


We will find a way

by Star_Henderson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bands, Blow Jobs, Festivals, Historical Ben and Harry, M/M, Music, Sex, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Content, side Ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-04 09:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 54,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star_Henderson/pseuds/Star_Henderson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shag, Marry, throw over a cliff...</p><p>'Ok, Kate Upton, Emma Watson, Nicole Scherzinger?'</p><p>'Aww shit, ummm Ohhh this is hard Haz, umm ahhhh shag Emma, marry Nicole, chuck Kate over a cliff.'</p><p>'You'd chuck KATE UPTON over a cliff, whats the matter with you?'</p><p>'I know I know but that was impossible.'</p><p>'Hmmmm, ok come on hit me with my 3.'</p><p>'Ok ok I'm thinking ummm gay men gay men ermmmmmm.'</p><p>'Louis..'</p><p>'Mmm?'</p><p>'They don't have to be gay, you can hit me up with straight men too, I have an imagination.'</p><p>Cheeky grin.</p><p>'Ok Becks, ummmm Chris Hemsworth and ermmmmm me.'</p><p>'Ok well this is easy, I'd shag Hemsworth, marry Becks and you'd be head first over that fucking cliff.'</p><p>Or alternatively...<br/>Harry Styles, fresh out of Uni, his first job is assistant tour manager to 17 Black, join them on their tour of European Summer music festivals.  Temptation takes over and Harry and Louis become a thing, but can Louis handle this thing? He's not even into guys so why is he in Harry's bed? </p><p>Some angst, lots of fluff and sex and music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We will find a way

What the hell do you pack for a whole summer away from home?  
One suitcase needs to contain everything, my whole life in a capsule, it was proving difficult.

 

I was the new assistant tour manager for 17 black, an indie band who slogged out the difficult afternoon slots on the festival circuit last year, won the crowds over with their anthemic yet melodic songs, they launched their album last September on the back of this and scored a number 1 in many countries and just finished a tour last month including some dates in the US supporting a huge rock band and now have a stack of high billing festival slots plus side shows beginning next week and I am the guy who has to help the overworked tour manager get these 4 lads round Europe in one piece.

 

Two buses, one truck of equipment, 4 band members, Louis on keyboard and main vocal, Zayn on bass and vocals, Niall, guitar and vocals and Liam drums.

Also housing Cal, the tour manager, me, Harry his assistant, a lighting, sound, stage manager, a guitar tech a drum tech, security guy and a wardrobe/hair guy.

 

I'd met Cal before, he had so much experience and I was fresh out of uni so it was on the job learning for me, I couldn't wait to get going.  
Our first festival was in Germany, Rock AM Ring at the Nurburgring race track but first some promo stuff in London to do so, case closed, no more stressing about clothes and I was on my way.

They were staying in the very bohemian K West hotel in London, I felt slightly daunted walking in pulling my case but knew this was the kind of life I was now leading.

 

'Harry Styles I'm with the Cal Aurand party'  
The very chic receptionist gave me a perfunctory smile, tapped her keyboard, studied for a while, found me and checked me in. Classic Rolling Stones tracks playing in the background, cool people lounging about in deep sofas, a buzz about the place, I liked it.

 

I hauled my ass up to the 4th floor, dumped my case and texted Cal, he texted back and said lobby call was 2pm, he was in 419 if I needed anything but if not just to see them in the lobby.

 

No point unpacking all my case as we were only here 2 nights so just picked out a few things and rezippd it.  
It was soon nearly 2pm and with massive butterflies I went down to meet them, nerves kicking in, could see a few people milling about but only knew what the band and Cal looked like but then spotted the '17 black' passes hanging from their necks and belts and so with a deep breath went over and introduced myself.

Everyone was cool, Xander, their hair and stylist guy was the most chatty, dressed in skin tight jeans, sex pistols vest slashed to pieces, tattoos and piercings and a mohawk laid flat he was striking to say the least.

 

At last a tired looking band emerged from the lifts with Cal rounding them up and sorting them out.  
'Ok everyone this is Harry our new assistant for me and the band, its his first real assignment so will need our help and guidance but he's more than capable of this and is now one of us, part of this team so can we have a quick introduce.'

 

'Hi I'm Jon, lighting.'

'Hi, Sandy, sound.'

'Hey I'm Paul Im the stage manager.'

'Hi, I'm Dan, guitar tech and stange hand.'

'Hi, I'm Josh, drum tech and stage hand.'

'Hey, you've already met me, I'm Xander the dogs body, hair, clothes, starbucks you name it

'I'm Pete, security.'

 

Names already a blur I just nod and smile.

 

'Eyyy up i'm Louis.' SHIT, a pair of beautiful cheeky blue eyes meet mine, I'd seen him on TV and in magazines but nothing prepares you for how luminous he is in the flesh, absolutely knocked me off my feet.

'Heyyy I'm Liam.'

'Hi, I'm Niall.'

'.....Zayn, ZAYN.'

 

'What?'

 

'Earth to Zayn, come on man say hi to Harry.' Liam chides him.

 

'Oh shit sorry man, just reading my texts, just woke up like 5 minutes ago and have like 30 text, sorry, nice to meet you.'  
I laugh, 'its fine, really, nice to meet you all.'  
'Where you from you Northern?' Louis quizzes me.  
'Yeah Holmes Chapel in Cheshire.'  
'Oooh watch it lads, posh boy on board.' Huge smile lighting up his face.  
'Nah its not posh its just a bit rural.' I grin, loving his charm already.

 

Cal goes and makes sure the cars are outside ready for us, a small group of hardcore fans are outside the hotel waiting to maybe try and meet them, they stop for a couple of photos and to sign things then we are bundled into blacked out cars and head to the TV studio.

 

Cal hands me the running order, the timings all on there, what time they need to sound check, what time they need to be stage ready, what time the interview is and then what time the performance is, they have been lucky to score both.  
It all goes without a hitch, its fascinating watching them prepare, a large trunk of outfits rolled into the dressing room, certain things looking better on camera than others, no logos allowed for advertising reasons, they soundcheck and then eat dinner provided for us then the audience come in, each segment is filmed and then its their interview and performance.

 

The banter flows, they really are quick witted lads, we are all in hysterics with them, constantly taking the piss out of each other and winding everyone up around them. Xander gets them all sorted and they are good to go.

 

The interview goes so well, Louis is the natural leader razor sharp brain so witty and joking with Alan, with Liam as back up telling the real stories, Niall is naturally funny and charming and Zayn is quiet polite and a bit mysterious. Loads of innuendo from Carr, photos splashed up of them out on the town, various ladies on their arms coming out of clubs and restaurants.

 

Then they perform their soon to be released new single, Tamed, its a bit risque, as are most of their songs, alluding to a bit of bondage but with a chorus that will be shouted out at every festival.  
In the video you keep seeing the wrists of men and women with various ties, handcuffs and scarves falling to the floor as if they have been tied in some way, very erotic, very visual video but the song is just amazing.

 

The audience go wild, the band totally pumped, the cameras stop rolling but they do another song for them, their previous hit, 'Watch'

 

They are pumped up when they come off stage, much hugging and fist bumping, they really do get on so well, I think I have landed a brilliant first job and cannot wait to hit Europe. There is an aftershow party back at the K West, the other guests and Alan are invited over and the some of the crew ask for passes too, I sort that out for them and phone for the cars to come and get us.

 

'You enjoy that?' his eyes shining, the adrenaline obviously swarming his veins, he is like a kid on Christmas day.  
'Yeah it was so cool watching how it all comes together.' I patted him on the back.  
'You were so entertaining to watch, so funny, so natural up there.' He's jumping about, so pumped.  
'Thanks, cool, right I need to ask you a favour, I have been talking to the girl who was the runner on the show, please can you make sure she has passes to get into the after show and I want you to make sure she is allowed up to my room later.' he winks at me.  
'I never go up with them at the same time so I'll come and let you know when I leave the party and if you could bring her up 10 minutes later,' he looks at me, eyebrows rising in a grin 'cheers.'  
I swallow, so I am his casual shags chaperone, oh right.

 

We arrive back at the hotel and the bar is in full swing, the music pumping, celebs hanging out, a footballer, a TV presenter, some of the Primrose hill set, a goth band in town to play Shepherds bush Empire tomorrow, all here hanging out. The guys get settled and drinks are set up, bottles of Vodka, Bourbon and white rum with jugs of juice and mixers plus buckets of ice with bottles of beer and cider laid on top.

 

Girls circling bringing everyones orders, Vodka proving popular, everyone chatting and relaxing, I tried to chat with everyone and then Liam shouts me over 'Here Haz, come and chill, have a drink.'  
'No I best not mate, not sure what Cal will think.'  
'Ah you'll be fine lad, here' Louis calls the waitress over, gets me a vodka coke and hands it over.  
'Cheers Harry.' He grins, chinking our glasses together, holy shit, he has an amazing smile.  
'Cheers pal.'

 

The boys are very popular, people coming over, wanting photos and chats, Pete the security guy keeping a close eye on it all.  
I spot the girl who Louis was talking about earlier, hanging round near their table with a few of the others from the show.  
Louis spotted her too and turns and whispers to me, 'Ok, I'm going up, give me 10 minutes then bring her up for me, 425, thanks Harry.'

I do as I'm told and eventually approach the girl, have no idea what I'm going to say but she is ready for me 'You Harry? she drawls.  
'Yeah yeah umm right, ok you wanna.' I gesture over my shoulder and she puts her glass down and follows me. 

We ride up in the lift in silence, I mean what do you say?  
We walk down the corridor, tiny TV screens built into the walls playing music videos, so cool.  
We tap on the door, Louis opens it in the tiniest, tightest pair of boxers ever, hair damp from the shower, his toned tanned body littered with tattoos, small designs and huge pieces on his arms and chest, droplets of water still fresh on him, feel my stomach tighten. 

'Umm right ok,' I turn to walk away quickly, hear her giggle and the door shut.  
Jesus I am going to have to realise what a hedonistic life it is on the road and grow a thick skin!  
I return to the bar, Liam turns to me 'You taken Tommo's booty call up to him?'  
'Yeah is this going to be a staple part of my job then?' I laugh.  
'Umm yeah soz mate, he likes his fun after a show, he has to release all the pent up adrenaline, he'd be a nightmare ball of energy if not, no one would sleep so there is always a girl after the show, well almost always.'

I widen my eyes 'Wow, he really does live up to the rock and roll lifestyle.'  
'Yeah but they don't stay long, I think they umm give him umm favours.' he coughs embarrassed 'I bet you that girl you just took up will be back down in no time.' 

He was right, it didn't take long to realise she was back in the bar, not a hair out of place, Louis follows not long after, skinny jeans and black vest on, his tattoos on show, hair still a bit damp.  
'Cheers for that bud.' he shouts to me over the music.  
'Thats was quick.' I narrow my eyes a bit trying to read him.  
'Don't mess about me.' smiling, cheeky eyes.

'You had a good night Harry?' He asks, his hand coming down onto my thigh, instant throb of desire shocks me, pure awareness of his hand, intimate for me, curling heat in my stomach.

'Umm yeah really good thanks.'

'Good to hear.' he smiles, his hand stays where it is though, holy shit.

We stay like that a while, chatting drinking, singing along to the music, eventually he gets called away, his hand leaves my leg but I can still feel the burn a long time after.

 

Eventually the party starts to quieten down, people drifting home or up to bed soon its just me and the band and Cal and Pete with a few of the residents sat staring over at us, some taking sneaky pics on their phones.  
'Right Harry so which of us are you going to sleep with first, we need to initiate you?' Niall deadpans.  
My head snaps up, 4 serious faces infront of me, staring at me  
'Whaa..?'  
'HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA did you see his face, priceless.'  
They all crack out laughing.  
'You bastards.'  
They dive on me, ruffling my hair and playfully punching me.  
'Welcome to the Jungle.' they all chorus at the top of their voices.

 

We all go up, all our rooms together on the block booking, we all say goodnight, hugs all round.  
The next day is a blur of radio and recorded interviews, they are big news in the UK Ireland and everyone is clamouring to interview them, 4 hot boys with infectious songs, cheeky wit and massive massive sex appeal, a winning combination.  
They go on XFM's radio show and then they are done for the day. 

They have been invited to an industry dinner and awards ceremony at the Ritz hotel and this is where my nerves kick in, where past might just meet present and I really don't think I am ready for that yet! I arrange for dinner suit hire to bring us some outfits to wear, Just the band, Cal, Pete and I go to this.

We all meet up in the bar, all looking so handsome in our black tuxedos, white shirts but left open at the neck to keep a cool twist, I down a shot to take the edge off my already jangling nerves, huge ball of tension in my belly knowing I am going to see him, the only man who I have ever loved, Ben. He is a music exec for Island records and they will surely all be there tonight. Louis comes over.

'You ok mate, you look a bit anxious?'

'Oh I'm ok Louis really, just a bit nervous.'

'Ah you'll be fine, it'll be so crap, loads of old boring label guys getting pissed and doing lines in the bathrooms, same old same old.'

I nod, 'Thanks mate, its just ya know.' I shrug, he nods and pats me on the shoulder.

'I know mate, sit with me you'll be alright.' He thinks I am nervous meeting all these important people, little does he know.

The cars arrive and off we go. We are all on huge round tables, there is us 7 plus Hanna and Mike from Sony, their label and Rebecca their pubicist. The top Sony execs are on the next table. My eyes scan the room, I can't spot him so sit down and stop looking and just try and enjoy myself. Louis true to his word keeps me amused by people watching, deciding who is with who, who is having affairs who is drunk, who is high, who is bored senseless, we have a laugh between ourselves if nothing else.

Its all very happy clappy industry stuff, I have half an ear open waiting to hear anything annouced for his label, the drinks are flowing and I do feel calmer when I hear the dreaded words.

'And the award goes to, Island DEF Jam.'

FUCK.

Everyone starts clapping, I notice a table over the left from us is up cheering, people hugging and sure enough there he is, my heart thuds so hard in my chest, I can feel it in my throat, choking me.

He walks to the stage with another guy, huge smiles. He looks so handsome, black tux, bow tie, his trade mark scruff, just the right amount to make it look cool, black hair, dark eyes, gorgeous smile, I can't drag my eyes away. They kiss the girl with the award and launch into their thank you's. I realise Louis has said something to me but I just can't focus, can't look away, my past whizzing through my brain, seeing him is painful as hell but I need to do this, its like therapy, facing your fears and me seeing him has been my fear for the last 8 months, that part of my life locked away to stop it hurting but then he sees me, eyes have scanned the nearest tables and there I am, his face goes through a tumult of emotions in a split second, recognition, shock, pain and then he's smiling at me, oh fuck, while the other guy goes through the list of people to thank he is staring over fond smile on his face, Louis is watching me watching him, knows there is something wrong I feel his hand pat my leg, hear his whisper,

'You ok Haz?'

I nod but don't break eye contact with Ben, needing to do this, needing closure.

They walk off stage and he walks straight to me, of course he does.

'Harry.' he is beaming at me, fucks sake, I was such a sucker for that smile, those eyes, the pain rearing its ugly head again. I stand.

'Ben,' My voice so low so hoarse.

He grabs me in a hug, his hand in the small of my back, pulling me in, holding me there just a fraction too long, just a fraction too close.

'How you doing,' he breaths as he finally lets me go.

'Umm I'm doing ok, very umm very well, yeah.'

'You look amazing.' he smiles.

This is so hard, so very fucking hard.

'This is umm the band and crew I work for 17 Black.' his eyes sweep the table, nodding.

'Yeah these guys are good, you with them then?' His eyes talking to me, old feelings bubbling in my stomach.

'Ahm yeah, assistant tour manager, just out on the summer festival circuit.'

'Good going, you did well to land a place straight out of Uni, I'm proud of you.' SHIT, he's too nice, too fucking nice.

'Come and have a drink.' he thumbs towards his table.'

I shake my head.

'No I best stay here.'

End it now Styles end it.

'Anyway was lovely seeing you, hope you're well.'

He nods.

'Probably bump into you again someplace over the summer.' He smiles, warm eyes, fucks sake.

'Ahm yeah I should imagine we will.'

His brows knit together slightly, he leans in.

'I miss you.'

This i didn't need.

I look at him pleading, he pats me on the shoulder and turns and goes.

I sink into my chair, feel drained, exhausted.

No one has noticed my absolute meltdown, except Louis.

He leans over 'You really ok?'

I shake my head.

'Come with me.'

He steers my elbow through the tables and out to the lobby, out to where the smokers are stood and round the corner to the quiet alleyway I suck in lungfuls of air.

Head thrown back resting on the wall, eyes closed just trying to get my breathing pattern back to normal.

'You wanna talk about it?'

I shake my head.

'Just get me pissed please.'

He grabs me in a hug, 'Ok but if you ever need to talk.'

I look at him, sweet face, soft blue eyes, kind smile, his fingers go under my jacket, onto the thin material of my shirt, rubbing patterns into my back, feels nice, feels safe and warm, this tough little rocker boy is a big softy really, I pull him closer, needing the comfort in the shadows of the alleyway and just calm myself and get my breathing right but for some reason this really isn't helping at all, if anything my breathing is worse.

'Thank you, I might take you up on that offer one day.'

He smiles.

'Anytime curly.'  squeezing me tight.

We get back in and the last few awards are being announced.

Sony wins outstanding achievement for the year and our table erupts.

All eyes on us and the suits next to us, much back slapping and cheering, the whole room stand to applaud the main winner of the night and I feel his eyes over on me again, I look and he raises his glass and smiles. In another life, maybe...

There is a party after to celebrate, we stay just long enough to be civil but really can't wait to leave.

I managed to avoid Ben for the rest of the night until we made a move to leave, he had obviously been watching me and strides over.

'Harry.' he holds his hand out to shake it, 'lovely seeing you, you going now?'

'Yep.' I nod inching away from him, needing to go.

He hands me his card.

'Call me.' Eyes meet, pleading in his, fear in mine.

I walk off, slip the card in my pocket and swallow down the lump in my throat.

 

'I fancy Whisky Mist, shall we?' Louis looks round at us all.  
'Yeah ok but can we do Mahiki as well?' Niall asks.  
'I like Funky Buddha' Liam pouts.  
'DSTRKT for me please' Zayn grins.  
Right, fucking hell, club crawl it is lads, lets do it.' Louis screams.

Just what I need, a night of mindless madness in the clubs of London, bring it on, decide Ben is not going to invade my head and focus on the night ahead.

 

Overdressed but so what, we hit the clubs, the guys certainly know how to enjoy themselves, they stand out, they look like Dior models. The clubs are amazing and I have to pinch myself that this is my job, how lucky am I? 

They have a great time, everyone wants a piece of them. The drink and laughter flows and we move from club to club just having the best time ever and for a poor little lad from Cheshire its absolutely eye popping for me to see all of this, such decadence. The girls are all over them, they look pretty disinterested to be honest, even Louis the ladykiller seems mildly irritated with some of the attention. 

A couple of cars come to collect us, we decide to end the night in the hotel bar, last one for the road.  
'I sit with Cal at first talking about tomorrow and lobby call for us all, making sure everything is in place then he says he is going up to bed, leave me the guys and Pete. 

Louis comes and sits with me, silly drunk, grinning and fooling about, I for some reason, just didn't get drunk, I have downed endless drinks and feel just as sober as I did earlier, it obviously is also a state of mind.

'Didya pull Haz?'

'Nah mate did you?'

'I umm ahh don't know, I think I might have there was some fit girls in that last club didya see them?'

'Umm can't say I noticed the girls Lou.' I reply grinning. 

I see the penny drop, silly drunken grin on his face 'You like boys, oh will I have to watch myself with you, will you jump on me?' he says elbowing me in the ribs.  
'No Louis, you are perfectly safe I can assure you.' But feeling less than convinced, he is after all, amazingly handsome and hot.  
He pouts a sulky face 'Awww really well we'll see.' 

I see a girl stood alone at the bar, can't take her eyes off Louis.  
'Umm have you made plans with the girl at the bar?'  
'Eeeeeerrrrrmmmmm I might have done I can't remember, is she fit'  
I eye roll at him.  
'Come on lets get you to bed, lobby call at 11am.'  
'Hang on I wannnnnaaa..' he puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles, the deafening shrill piercing the air, everyone glares at him he shouts, 'Oi love did ah make plans with you eh?'  
The girl has no clue how to react, the others swiftly leave the bar, Zayn Liam and Niall laughing at me because I am left with jack the lad and only Pete left to help me get him up to bed. 

I widen my eyes to Pete and we get him up and lead him to the lifts.  
'Where's my lass gone?'  
'She's gone home come on you need sleep.' 

We get him up to his room and I fish about in his pockets for his wallet for his keycard, find it and get the door open.  
'Just throw him on the bed he'll be fine' Pete grumbles.  
'Go on you go I'll sort him out.'  
Pete goes and I am left with him, he can barely walk. 

'I need a wee.' he slurs,  
'Ok come on.'  
I help him into the bathroom, decide there is no way he can stand and wee so have to undo his belt and trousers.  
'Louis take them off and sit down to wee, make sure its in the right place though don't wee on the floor and down your legs.' 

He hasn't a clue so I just have to go for it, I strip his trousers down, his boxers down and push him onto the loo.  
'Tuck it in Louis.'  
Thankfully he gets what I mean and makes sure its in. 

'Stay there, don't move.'  
I go in and dig about, find something resembling PJ bottoms and so bring them in, he is still sat there but leaning on the sink. I run some water, wash his hands and face, pull his trousers and boxers off and put his feet through the PJ's, I give him his toothbrush and watch as a baby chimp attempts to brush its teeth, or so it seems, there is more on him than in his mouth, foamy white toothpaste all over his face, dork, I fill the glass 'Spit.' 

'No I don't like umm when they spit, s'not right.' and then laughs at his own crudeness.  
'Jesus Louis, rinse your mouth and spi..oh forget it.' I cry exasperated.  
'I'm sure I don't get paid enough to do this.'   
I wet the flannel and just wipe his mouth.  
'Right listen, stand up and pull your bottoms up, Louis are you listening to me?'  
Nothing! 

So I just yank him up, bend down to grab his pajamas and in that split second its dick or ass in my face and I decided he would be less angry about ass so spin him round to lean him over the sink, shit he even has a gorgeous peachy bum and pull them up, make a mental note to tease him in the morning about Harry the gayboy undressing Louis. 

I sit him back on the toilet and unbutton his shirt, he leans his head forward and rests it on my stomach, I lurch a little, his hot breath on my belly burning through my shirt. Too nice, too intimate.  
'Right come on.' 

I haul him up and just drag him to the bed, phew!  
He lays there, just his bottoms on, his hair damp round his face where I washed him, his body so very nice, I indulge myself and stare for a few seconds, he really is hot, jesus Harry snap out of it dickhead. 

I cover him up and put a glass of water by his bed.  
'I'll make sure you are up in the morning cos I can't set your alarm.'  
He faintly nods. 

'Did you look at my willy?' His stupid drunk face trying to focus on me.

'Nope, shut up and go to sleep.'  
'You did you look dint you?'  
'Yes, I looked, I stared and took photos and I've seen bigger maggots now get to bloody sleep.' He laughs at that, silly drunk laugh.

I flick his light off and go to move off the bed, he grabs my wrist strokes it, pulls it to his lips and kisses my hand.

'That man, do I need to sort him out for you?'

'Nah, lets just forget him, he's old news.'

'You're too pretty to be sad, don't let him make you sad.'

'I won't Lou, night night, sleep well.' 

'M'thanks Haz, night.'

'HARREH' 

'What?'

'You have nice hair and pink lips.'

'Thanks so do you.' I shake my head, he is so pissed.

 

I get back to my room and stand for a moment, what a night, I've survived it, played this scenario over and over in my head, the first time seeing Ben again and I've done it, hurdle one complete. I pull the card out of my pocket, turn it over and as I guessed a message on the back.

'Please call me Harry, please give me a chance, I miss you, more than you know.. Always B x'

I had changed my number after we parted, knew he would say all the right things and knew I was too weak to resist so he had no way of contacting me, still hasn't, the ball is firmly in my court, I turn the card over, see his name in print, his business line in print and his personal number written on for me, I crash out on the bed, exhausted mentally and physically. 

Next morning I guess there is some very sore heads going on, luckily we are only on the bus so not a massive deal. I have some breakfast, no sign of any of them except Niall who has a huge plate of food.

I decide I need to know something, need to be able to put this feeling to bed, close the door and move on once and for all, forever.

I go back to my room and lift up the hotel phone, no way is this going to be on my mobile number, one quick question that I think I already know the answer to.

I dial his private number, he picks up, after 2 rings.

'Hello.'

I sit there, nerves getting the better of me but gather my strength and nerve.

'Are you still married?' I whisper down the phone.

Hear his breath suck in, 'hang on.' he says.

Hear muffled noises, doors, footsteps and then..

'Harry please, you know its complicated with Sadie, its, well..'

'Are you still married, yes or no?'

He sighs, 'Yes but Harry, you...'

I click off, nothings changed, nothing ever will, I can't do that, I can't be what he wants me to be, game over.

I feel a calmness descend, feel proud of myself, feel I can move on, I've done it. 

I pack my stuff and then go and round up Louis, Zayn and Liam.  
I leave Louis until last, the other 2 are all sorted just chilling in Zayns room.  
I tap on Louis' door and after a few seconds he opens it a tiny bit and I squeeze through, he looks like shit. 

'Morning!' I chirp  
He just grunts.  
'You suffering?'  
He sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, 'Ugh, dying.' he mumbles.  
'You need help packing?'  
'Sorry Haz was I a dick last night? I think you put me in these didn't you?' pointing to his pajama bottoms.  
'Yep, I toileted you, undressed you, got you in those and hauled you to bed.'  
He groaned 'Ughhhhhhhhhhhh fuck, so sorry.' He peeps at me through one bloodshot eye.  
'Fucking Niall and his fucking Jagerbombs.' he hisses.

'Its fine mate honestly I owed you one for umm helping me out with Ben so no worries ok?'' I pat his arm and he leans in to my hand.  
'Will you find me some painkillers in that black leather toiletries bag in the bathroom please.'  
I extract myself from him and he lays back on the bed. 

I went in and rifled through his bag until I found them, popped 2 out and got him some water.  
'Here, you want any food?'  
He waved his hand at me, eyes closed.  
'Ok Louis, I'll start to pack your stuff, you wanna jump in the shower?' He nods, takes the pills and shuffles into the bathroom.  
I make him a cup of tea while he is in there and sort his bags out.  
He is out in no time, towel slung low, beads of water running down his chest, past his nipple, down his stomach and disappears near his happy trail into the towel, I drag my eyes away.

'Have I got some clean clothes handy?'  
'Yup here, I left these out for you are they ok?'  
I hand him some tiny black boxers, black sweats, white T shirt and a purple hoody that was on the back of the chair. He drops the towel, throws the boxers back at me 'commando in sweats is the only way.'

I turn away but can see his reflection on the mirror, flustered I drop to the floor and fasten his suitcase. He grabs a beanie and covers his damp hair and we are good to go. We ride down in the lift, my eyes drifting to his obvious bulge.

'Was I a total arse last night?'  
'Nope but talking of arses, I did get to see yours up close and personal, next time, pull your own PJ's up yeah?'  
He buried his head in his hands 'what the fuck did I do?'  
I laugh, 'Nah its fine mate seriously don't worry.'  
'It will all come back to me today, it always does when I have been pissed, like little flashbacks.'  
'Look its no bother Lou, really, I don't mind.' He smiles, rubs my back, his fingers fanning across my spine, he smiles. 

We meet up for lobby call and go out to the buses.  
The decision was one would be a party bus, up late, music, games, laughs, etc the other bus would be chilled, quiet movies, sleep, work, quiet chat.  
Louis decided he needed more sleep and goes onto Bus 2, the other boys want to play and all piled onto Bus 1.  
I had work to do so joined Louis, Jon, Josh and Paul on 2. 

Schedules, running times, arranging interviews on the road, riders, hotels and PR was just the tip of the iceberg, my phone never stopped, I was tucked up downstairs in the kitchen area so as not to disturb the sleeping people upstairs.  
We cross into France and have a stop, Louis comes wandering down, sleepy face but brighter than he was.  
'Feeling better?'  
'Yeah but can I ask you, did I whistle really loud in the bar?'  
'Erm yeah, you whistled the girl you had lined up.'  
'I'm such a twat.' He groans.

We all go for a wander round the truck stop, buy crap, DVD's, sweets, juice, magazines.  
Cal needs to work and Zayn wants to sleep so Louis and I swap with them, the music is pumping on there and Liam and Xander are playing FIFA, I sit in the kitchen again, laptop and phone on ploughing through the 'to do' list. The guestlist for Nurburg my next task sorting out who could have band access, backstage access or who could just have passes to the gig.

I have a friend travelling round Europe and he has texted me to see if I could get him on the list, we met at Uni, his boyfriend of the time was in my lectures and we all became good mates, we used to hang out and go to gigs together but now Aiden is taking a year out to travel and is in Germany at the same time, and I am really looking forward to see him. 

'S'up mate?'  
'Tell me what I did last night, I keep having flashbacks of you saying I had a maggot dick, what the fuck did I say?'  
I threw my head back laughing 'You accused me of looking at your umm willy and I shut you up by saying I'd seen bigger maggots.'  
'Ooooh harsh.'  
'Well I was a proper gentleman and averted my eyes when the d was on show so I was joking.'  
'Well obviously because there's no way you would be calling it a maggot it would make your eyes water lad.'  
I laugh 'Oh really?' his eyes flash at me, challenging, shit.  
'Listen, you guys don't mind if my pal comes to the festival tomorrow do you, I'm ok to add him to the guest list yeah?'  
'Of course mate, its your life on the road too, it makes it bearable if you can see friends.' 

He leaves me to work and can hear them all having fun upstairs,  
We arrive in Nurburg, we have a hotel for tonight, I go in and check us all in and get the room keys so the guys can just get off and go up to their rooms, no hanging round for them.  
We have rooms on the top floor, I dish out the keys, Cal comes onto our bus and asks what they wanna do for dinner.  
'We have invites from a restaurant for dinner if we want it or the hotel can accommodate, we have been invited to a swish club, they have a VIP area if you want?' 

The guys decide to let their hair down after the journey and want to go out for dinner and keep the club in mind for later.  
'I need to get some action.' Louis groans grabbing his crotch, my eyes flash down, heat throbs in my groin, he is so sexual.  
'You are a horny bastard Tommo.' Zayn mocks. 'I can't help it, I just need sex.' 

We go to dinner and a club, the guys have a great time, they do get recognised and get lots of attention. Feeling liberated I spot a cute guy, we eye each other tentatively and eventually he comes over, we chat for a while, have a drink together, his English is amazing, he's hot but although I am feeling good about myself with Ben, it still hasn't changed that I'm not massively into one night stands and have no desire to take him back and shag his brains out, unfortunately, wish I were a bit more like that!

Louis of course has no such hang ups and is in with the ladies and at the end of the night he has a pretty brunette on his arm, he gets papped leaving the club with her. I ride with them in the car back to the hotel, he is almost cool with this girl, not sweet talking her at all infact he is talking to me more leaving her to look out of the window. 

'That was a cool club bro, I loved it in there.' he enthused.  
'Yeah it was different wasn't it?'  
'You pulled I saw you.' He winks.  
'Umm yeah he was nice.' My stomach lurching a little that he saw me with the guy, feel a bit weird.  
'You should have brought him back for a drink in the hotel.'  
'Nah, its fine.' 

We arrive and we all have a drink in the bar, everyone in high spirits.  
'Right I think I'm going up.' I yawn, knackered.  
'Yeah I think we will too.' Louis looks at the girl and they get up too.

'Hazza can she walk up to the lifts with you incase of prying eyes?' 

'Umm yeah ok, no prob.' 

'Niiiiight.' we all chorus.

Louis heads on infront of us and we linger slightly and walk slowly to the lifts.'

'Cheers mate.' he shouts over his shoulder as he ushers her into his room.

I get in, have a shower and check my emails before bed, nothing that can't wait til morning so I am just about to get into bed when my phone beeps.  
Its Louis.. 

'Haz, can't find my phone charger, you packed my bag at the K West where did it go do you know?'  
'I put it in the zip part of your suitcase I think?'  
'No its not there, can't find it can you come over and look with me?'  
'Aren't you busy?'  
'Nope, she's gone now.'  
Wow ultra quick!  
'Ok.' 

I pull on my pajama bottoms grab my phone and creep across the hall and tap on Louis door.  
He opens it, tiny black boxers on, eyes wide 'topless in the corridor.' he chirps  
'Shurrup I was in bed come on lets look.'  
I go over his case where I had packed stuff, no sign of it, I know I packed it, sure I did, I search more and eventually its found tucked down the side of his main suitcase. 

'I have no idea how it got there, I'm sure I didn't pack it there.'  
'Ah thanks mate, you fancy a drink?'  
His eyes were pleading. I suddenly feel a bit underdressed but I agree.  
He looks in the mini bar  
'What you want?'  
'Umm JD and coke?'  
'Ok, think I will too.'  
My glance to his bed, its completely neat, turned back by housekeeping it has definitely not seen any action tonight, I sit on the edge of it. 

'Where did umm the girl go?'  
'I couldn't be arsed, she had a quick drink, I gave her a fake phone number, called her a cab, told Pete to pay for it and let her go.'  
'Oh I thought you were a horny dog tonight??'  
'I am.'  
'Ohhh..'

'Cheers.' we touch glasses, take a drink, the heat of the bourbon hitting my throat, warming, curling straight into my veins.

'You ok now after last night? That Sony guy?' He sits next to me.

I nod 'old news Louis, someone I used to know, that has haunted me a bit and I hope now, I've put all that to bed and I can get on with my life.'

He nods 'I think he was really happy to see you though Haz.'

'Please Lou..' I plead.

'Sorry mate sorry.'

He coughs, 'You know what I do when I can't sleep?'

'Umm do I wanna know this?'

He laughs,

'I put my legs on the wall.'

'Huh?'

He puts his glass down, lays with his arse on the pillows and puts his legs straight up the wall, head in the middle of the bed.

'Jesus Louis, I used to do that when I was a kid, I'd read my book upside down.'

'Ahhhh so not only me that does this, I was laid playing quizzes on my phone the other night when I couldn't sleep, come on Haz, relive your childhood.'

I put my glass down, swing round, legs on the wall, head in the middle of the bed.'

'What the fuck do those tattoo's say?' He points to my ankles as my pajamas fall down my legs a bit.

'Oh umm my friend has a tattoo gun and we were drunk and I sang Careless Whisper on Karaoke and I ended up with never gonna dance again, I'm a dickhead aren't I?'

'Umm just a bit.' he grins.

'Also you have fucking massive feet, actual big foot aren't you?'

'Well you know what they say about big feet Lou....'

'BIG SHOES.' we both chorus.

We challenge each other to games on our phones, playing scrabble upside down against each other, I get a triple word score and overtake him by 85 points.

'You sneaky little shit.'

'Hey, less of the little.'

'You giant shit.'

'Thats better.'

'My legs are dead, I need to..' I swing round, lay on the bed properly, he does the same.

We progress to shag, marry, throw off a cliff.

'Ok me first, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Jennifer Lawrence.'

'Ooooooooooh ummmmmmmm ok shag Rihanna, marry ermmmmmmmm Katy and chuck Jennifer over a cliff, sorry love.

'Pooooooor Jennifer, what did she ever do to you to deserve the cliff?' I tease.

'Shurrup it was hard, ok my turn, Chris Colfer, Nick Grimshaw, Jaymi Hensley?'

Argghhh ok, presuming I was a confident little flower I'd shag Chris, marry Jaymi and chuck Grimmy over a cliff.'

He turns, shakes his head.

'How can someone as hot as you not be completely confident?'

'Hot? Me? really?.' I shrug 'I just erm I'm shy.'

He grins 'Mmmm not sure I believe that, anyway go on, 3 more for me.'

'Ok, Kate Upton, Emma Watson, Nicole Scherzinger?'

'Aww shit, ummm Ohhh this is hard Haz, umm ahhhh shag Emma, marry Nicole, chuck Kate over a cliff.'

'You'd chuck KATE UPTON over a cliff, whats the _matter_ with you?'

'I know I know but that was impossible.'

'Hmmmm, ok come on hit me with my 3.'

'Ok ok I'm thinking ummm gay men gay men ermmmmmm.'

'Louis..'

'Mmm?'

'They don't have to be gay, you can hit me up with straight men too, I have an imagination.'

Cheeky grin.

'Ok Becks, ummmm Chris Hemsworth and ermmmmm me.'

'Ok well this is easy, I'd shag Hemsworth, marry Becks and you'd be head first over that fucking cliff.'

'You little fucker, so lemme get this straight, you'd chuck me over a fucking cliff, no sex and sure death, you're no friend of mine Harold Styles.'

'So are you telling me, you would rather have a damned good seeing to then?' 

'Too bloody right I would.' 

'Ok ok I'd give you a right good seeing to and then chuck you over the cliff.' I giggle.

'You're EVIL.' he laughs and dives on me, pinning my arms to the bed, wrestling about, I break free, tickle him, roll him over, try and pin him down but he is fast, rolls me back and gets ontop again as I tickle his ribs, he pins my hands again.

'No tickling.' he squeals, breathless.

He stares at me, straddling me, knees by my hipbones, his very obvious bulge on my stomach holding my wrists down on the bed.

'I think I might have to punish you.' His voice raspy.

'Do you now, and how are you going to do that?' I see him swallow, watching his adams apple bob up and down.

'What do you suggest?'

The atmosphere is electric, his hands on mine, his bum so close to my groin, his eyes, looking down at me, his tongue darts out, wets dry lips, his thumb brushing over my pulse point, my heart thudding so loud.

'Stay with me.' he whispers.

Eyes scanning me from my mouth to my eyes and back again.

'I umm...' I swallow, dumbstruck.

'I'm horny as fuck and need...'

'I can't Louis, my job, I'll get fired, its just I..'

I really want to, I fancy him so much, love his company, feel really attracted to him, I can feel my own arousal, see his too, would be so easy to just..

'No one will know..' his voice coming in rasps.

He feels my guard going down, shuffles back, his arse coming into contact with my dick, I groan at the friction, he grinds back again, my mouth falls open, desire flooding my body, his smell invading my senses, his hair falling over his eyes.

'Can I..? his mouth coming closer, I blink, nod, powerless to resist.

He swoops down with his lips, tender and soft, his dick heavy against my stomach, his arse pusing back, he lifts slightly, capturing me under him now, circling his hips, I can't help but gasp into his mouth, lips parted he explores more, tongue sweeping, tasting, his teeth pinching my lip, he pulls away.  
'You want me too, no one will know.' He kisses me again and I am lost, can't resist, my body just taking over, kissing him back, he releases my hands, holds my face, my hands coming up to touch him, fuck, so good, I have missed this so much, I sweep down his back, fingertips, smooth warm skin, the muscles in his back flexing as I go down.

He breaks off, smooths my hair back, 'you ok with this?' he breathes.

I pull my bottom lip in with my teeth, nod at him, scared but oh so excited.

He absolutely devours me, his mouth taking me so high, his tongue trailing my skin as he moves down my jaw, onto my neck, sucking, biting, licking, body responding so naturally.  
'I didn't know you did guys.' I mutter.  
'I don't' he sighs 'first time for everything....'  
PLOT TWIST!  
I'm his first guy!!! Jesus fucking christ.  
Something snaps in my brain, I flip him over, I'm on top, looking down at him.

'Why?'

He looks at me confused.

'Why now?'

'You' he replies.

I smile, 'you want me?'

'Is that such a shock?' He whispers.

I nod.

'You absolutely sure you want this?'

He smiles, 'You have no idea.'

'I gonna blow your mind.' I rasp.  
He groans, body shuddering, 'about fucking time, just do it.'

Louis Tomlinson wants me, ME.

'Please stop me if any of this get too much.' I make him promise.

I rain tiny kisses on his lips, 'Boylove, Louis Tomlinson, its the only way.' and my lips melt into his mouth, we match perfectly, kiss perfectly, his tongue exploring my mouth and lips, swooping in, so good, I taste his mouth, sweet and hot.

He groans as I lick just under his jaw near his ear and as I suck a bruise into his collarbone his hips rise to meet me, needing some friction, some pressure.

I line up our bodies, give him what he needs, he pants, 'Fuck Harry.' as I feel his rock hardness against mine, so needy.

I circle his nipples with my tongue, nip at them, only just this side of pleasure, verging on pain but sooth it with my tongue, his eyes like black pools watching me.

I slide down, he loses the pressure on his erection, needs it, I slide my hand up, whilst licking his tummy, his hip bones, ghost my hand down his boxers, over his cock, he rises up, pushing into me, I slide it up and down still tasting his body.

'Off.' I order, feeling powerful, he wants ME! My fingers slide inside his boxers, he groans, lifts his arse and peels them down, pull my own off, need to feel all of him on me, just skin, nothing else, I look at him, take it all in, hungry eyes, I look back up at him, smile at his face, flushed and needy. My hand slowly coming down to him, makes him hiss, my eyes never leaving his, I run my hand up, feeling him, the weight of his erection, wrap my hand round, feel the size, smile at him, eyes never leaving me, the beads of sweat appearing on his brow, my hand slowly learning him, I shuffle down, he's watching me, mouth slack as I go down, lick his balls, he cries out, 'Please.' I run my tongue round, gentle sucks and licks, he loves it.

I kiss and lick my way back up, mouth hovvering over his cock, his eyes plead with me, I run my tongue up his length, watch his reaction, watch his eyes roll, watch him plead and take him in my mouth, look at him and take him deep, the sound is so erotic as it leaves his throat, I pull back, suck and lick his head, tongue his slit, swirl my tongue round, then flatten it and take him down, his hips rise, need to just control him slightly but lay so he can fuck my mouth, tongue flattened, throat relaxed and I let him go, his groans so hot, his hips thrusting into me, I take control back, take him out, admire him, lick and suck, at the head and then take him back deep again, let him fuck into me again, then take him out, watch his reaction, he needs this, I take him down, hand covering the base, deep and fast, feel him swell, 'Harry.' he warns I slide him down and feel the throb and heat of his orgasm, his dirty moan, his body spasms, I swallow quick and slide back up, letting him taste himself on my lips, he is wired, so buzzed from that.

He looks up at me, strokes my hair back off my face.

'That was so hot Harry, so fucking hot.' He is sprawled on the bed, panting, I toy lightly with my own erection, wondering if thats it, maybe he will be full of regret now, just want rid of me.

He opens his eyes.

'So what's next?'

Fuck

'You ready for me?' I whisper.

'Harry, I'm... oh shit, yeah, just..Oh yeah.'

He watches me put the condom on and lots of lube on him and me, I shake with anticipation, completely aware he's never done this before, I take tiny tiny steps, just let the sensation of me on his ass lead the way massaging back and forth, waking up those nerve ending, letting the sensations take over.

'Just relax Lou, I promise to take it slow.' He nods, looking up at me.

Then very very slowly when the muscle relaxes I fill him with me, wow, such a heady feeling, his delicate features so flushed so beautiful, I take my time, just inching in, pull back slightly and inch further, he is panting, maybe a slight fear of the unknown? I go slowly build a rhythm, hitch his bum up, he throws his legs round my waist, he nods, dare to up my pace, grind a little, his moans building, turning me on so much, he grinds into me too now, more daring, needing more, dipping his hips I hit his spot, the gasp so loud, so erotic.

'More...' he cries, oh god you want more you got it, I slide into him, make sure I am angled right, make sure he gets what he is craving, his head thrown back, we just fuse our bodies like this, slow and sensual then dirty and fast, I ease off a little, slide into him, fill him with me, look into his eyes, so blown, his face so beautiful, stroke his cheekbones, down to his jaw and over his lips.

'You ok?'

He nods, 'never better.' he breathes, grinding up to me.

I up my pace, delicious waves of absolute pleasure screaming through my body and I need my release, I lean forward, trap his erection between our hips, swift strokes over and over, his moans building, the buzz coursing through by body, bringing me to orgasm, having to scream into a pillow to muffle my cries, feel him come too again, aftershocks making me spasm so hard.

He is exhausted, his whole body covered in a sheen of sweat, his face damp and glowing.

I drop down and kiss him, he wraps his arms around me, holding me so tight, his mouth soft and sensual, his fingertips ghosting down my back.

'So that's what all the fuss is about.' he pants.

I grin, 'glad you enjoyed it.'

He laughs, 'hmmm bit more than enjoyed it, you are amazing Harry Styles.' he grins dropping a kiss onto my nose.

We kiss again, slow and delicious.

'I should go Lou.'

'Stay a bit, its fine.'

'I can't, if we get caught..'

I kiss him one last time, pad to the bathroom and wet a flannel and go and wipe him clean, he smiles, eyes so tired.

'Thank you,'

'No problem.'

'You always look after me.' he drawls, falling asleep.

I pull my pajamas on and bend and kiss his forehead.

'Sleep well, night Lou, see you in the morning, you are fucking amazing, you know that?'  
'Harry...'  
'Yeah.'  
'Jesus christ man jesus fucking christ.' he mumbles and is asleep before I am out of the door. 

So the problem with the night before is that it comes with a morning after! I have no fucking idea how I play this, no idea at all so I decide I play it as if it never happened. I pretend I didn't wake up at dawn and re-enact the whole fucking scene in my head, seeing his body respond to me, watching him completely lose it and with the added bonus of being his first, hell, that made me so horny that I have to sort myself out and try and go back to sleep.

I have to play it cool, the others can never know, its our lovely gorgeous secret. I have no idea if this was a one off so I treat it as such, a beautiful night. 

We meet up for breakfast, I make a conscious effort not to make eye contact with him, play it cool but find myself watching him slyly, hoping for a secret look. Massive butterflies as he walks across the room. I give myself a good talking to, try and eat but then he comes over, asks me a scheduling question, leaning over me I can smell his freshly washed hair, his own manly smell and those eyes, those fucking gorgeous eyes, but his face is giving nothing away, he wants it cool too, as if it never happened, I answer his query all business like and try to go back to eating my breakfast but suddenly I'm not hungry, my belly in knots. 

Lots to do we have to be in the festival site soon, we have a time slot of 22:10 and then its 30 Seconds to Mars headlining after, would really love to see them, have seen them before and love their set but most of all I wanna see Imagine Dragons who are on at 16:50, I love them, absolutely love them and haven't seen them live yet so really want to make their set. 

We set off on the buses, its a gorgeous day, just right, sunny and dry but not too hot. I stay down in the kitchen, looking busy but really my mind is mashed. He comes down, messes about in the fridge, opens a can of coke and wanders over.

Nerves jangle at the close proximity, he looks on edge.  
'I umm its..I'm not gay Harry.' he mumbles.  
'Lou..' I look at him incredulous 'I'd never... its...look..that was just spur of the moment, just fun, its fine.'  
He stares at me for a few seconds 'Yeah.' He nods and walks away. I feel like a horse kicked me, saw the regret in his eyes, my chest tight and painful, I am so fucking stupid putting myself in that situation. I was vulnerable after Ben and just needed someone to want me, to put me first and for those few hours he did.

We arrive, we're met by security, given our passes and allocated a dressing room for the day, its a portacabin with a shower and toilet. There is a massive marquee that is the 'green room' with a bar and food, tables and chairs both inside and out, can hear the thud thud of whoever is currently on main stage. We grab some tables in the green room and have a few drinks. I stay on soft drinks, need a clear head today, first full day for me on gig day so I am acutely aware of needing to get this right.

I get a text from my friend Aiden who has arrived at the box office, I go and meet him, so lovely to see him again, he grabs me in a huge hug, I really need it too, feeling emotional.  
'Looking good Styles.' he laughs.  
'Not too bad yourself mate.' So happy to see a friendly face.

We walk back to the green room, his arm slung round my shoulders, catching up and having a laugh.  
I take him over and introduce him to the others 'Hey guys this is my friend Aiden.'

I tell him all the names but know he will soon forget them. Louis' eyes sweep over him but seems disinterested. We walk to the bar and I grab him a beer and we sit and chat, I see his eyes flick over my shoulder and can feel some one is behind me, I turn and see Louis stood there.  
'Hey Harry can I have the pass code for the equipment room I need to go and tell Paul about my mic it was a bit dodgy and I wanna make sure its all sorted for tonight.'  
'I'll go for you Lou, its fine you relax thats what I'm here for.' I insist.  
He shrugs 'cheers.' And walks off. 

I go across with Aiden, explain to Paul what the problem is and return to the green room and thumbs up to Louis to let him know I've sorted it.  
We sit a while, I briefly tell Aiden about Ben, he knows the whole story and listens intently whilst I tell him, encouraging me that I did exactly the right thing and just generally being a fabulous friend and great listener. I don't tell him anything about Louis, thats mine, not ready to share any part of that.

Louis disappears, I realise its time to go and watch Imagine Dragons.  
There is a raised platform either side of the stage, we get a good spot and watch the band take to the stage, the roar of the crowd deafeneing.

They launch into their songs, all of them powerful wonderful anthems, this album so special to me.  
They power through their set, Dan Reynolds mesmerising the crowd with his massive stance, his powerful voice and the way he bangs those drums, so hot.

'Its time' starts up, I love this song, means so much to me ' _now don't you understand, that I'm never changing who I am_.' Aiden and I sing that to each other, fist pumping, such meaning, loving this, feeling the music.

'Demons' starts up ' _when you feel my heat, look into my eyes, its where my demons hide, its where my demons hide_.' I get a bit choked, its been a rollercoaster few days, Aiden sees me and hugs me in, one arm round my shoulders the other in the air ' _Don't get too close, its dark inside, its where my demons hide, its where my demons hide._ ' I feel the emotion of the song, so powerful, my mind can't help and think about last night, hiding my feelings today has been so hard but would I change anything?

'On top of the world' has the whole crowd singing and jumping, I happen to look over to the other side of the stage to the other platform and see Louis just staring over, he realises I have spotted him and looks away, watches the band.  
Shit, has he been there all the time?  
'Radioactive' ends the set, such energy, everyone walks away on a total high, so good and will get to see them a few times this summer when schedules meet. 

I look for Louis but can't see him.  
I explain to Aiden that I will be quite busy now getting the guys ready for stage time and that he is welcome to go see bands or hit the bar or whatever and leave him to his own devises telling him i'll see him later.

Next couple of hours are a blur of hair and clothes and nerves. Xander is so good getting them sorted, they all have their own style on stage but it works and they look so good together.

Louis is in a tank with the sides slashed low, tattoos and his toned body on show, skinny jeans rolled up a bit and sockless feet in Vans, he looks amazing, I can't take my eyes off him, he's mesmerising, Zayn in black leather jacket, jeans and DM's, Liam in a vest, jeans and boots and Niall in barely there vest, dropped crotch pants and hi top trainers.

Louis comes over, 'Can I just have a quick word, can you have some passes in your pocket, if I see a cute girl I want her to be able to come backstage so if you see me reach out to anyone can you give them a pass at the end please? I will wait until the last song so you don't have to be constantly on the look out, just be aware at the end when we jump into the pit, cheers.' I nod my face a mask of normality but inside I die a little I don't quite know why, maybe because it was quite a big deal for me and to him it was just another shag, what a shame.

Niall joins in 'yeah have a few passes at the ready cos I might see someone too so just be prepared for us thanks Haz.'  
Wonder if I can add pimp to my resume?

They are pumped up, Louis doing vocal warm ups chanting filthy rap lyrics to nursery rhyme tunes sounds so wrong but so funny, Liam drumming on any surface he can find, Zayn just going into himself to psych himself up and Niall warming up jumping in the air and singing Bon Jovi.

Soon they are at the bottom of the stairs waiting to go on, I am nervous for them, they get in a huddle, eyeball each other, hands in, chant said arms up and on stage they run, I go round to side stage and watch from there sat on an equipment box, look up and see Aiden on the platform above us, give him a thumbs up.

They thunder through their songs, 'Tamed,' 'breathing slow,' 'take the night,' the crowd on fire, Louis is killing it, totally drenched in sweat he is a fireball on stage, leaping about, meaning every single line of every single song, so good, the crowd on the journey with them, arms in the air, fists pumped, owning the night.

They sing 'Watch' and I swear to god he looked right at me singing this line, ' _but I see you glance, wonder if there's a chance that you might want me, I could fulfil your needs.._ ' Fuck, so hot but I am totally imagining it, wishful thinking maybe?

They cover The 1975 'Sex' so good ' _all we seem to do is talk about sex_ ' Hmm.

I keep my eye on the setlist, looking for my cue to be the pass giver, half hoping there is no girl, no one to escort back to him.  
I make my way round to the pit ready for the last song, its their biggest anthem, the one they have been waiting for 'Glow.'  
The crowd sings along _'I don't need to know your name, we play the game the stakes are high but at the time if feels like the only thing I want is your frantic touch, too hot too much we glow_.'

The crowd scream it back to them, Louis and Niall get down into the pit, a nightmare for security but the crowd go wild, 'We glow.' repeated over and over by them, chanting and screaming, the pyro goes off, lights up the stage, huge spot lights light up the crowd, I see Louis approach a girl at the front, grabs her hand, lingers a bit longer than with the others, just goes along the barrier hi fiving the rest, no hand holding anywhere else, so he's decided, she's it, wonder if she wants to be 'It?'

Niall doesn't seem to target anyone in particular, ok so just sex mad Louis then!!  
They get back on stage, take the applause, throw some drumsticks out, throw some guitar picks out then run off stage, Cal waiting for them.

I dash to the barrier, the girl is screaming up to the crew for a setlist, I turn and tear one from the stage, hand her it and raise my eyes for her to come to the end of the barrier.  
She brings her friend, I ask them if they want to come and meet the band, tell them to keep cool and hand them both a pass, they think their dreams have been answered.

I take them round, see Aiden hanging round waiting for me, call him over and ask him if he wants to come in for a drink, he does, I stop the girls ask their names, Daisy and Bella, ok right, tell them no cameras and to remain calm and open the door, Liam is already showered, Louis just in the shower, Zayn and Niall bouncing about in the portakabin. Drinks are flowing, Its a sick atmosphere.

The girls don't know what to do, I get them both a drink and sit them down, Niall chats with them a while and then disappears to go watch a bit of 30 STM set with Liam and Zayn, Louis comes out of the shower, face still glowing from the performance, hair wet dressed in jeans and t shirt.

'Hey girls, you enjoy the set?' He chats easily to them, obvious he is more interested in Daisy, hurts me a bit to watch him. I leave him to it and go and talk to Aiden.  
'You enjoy the set?'  
'Fucking amazing man, you're so lucky to get to do this for a job, so envious.' he grins.  
'Well if you are anywhere near where we are playing again you are more than welcome to come back and see us infact I insist, its been lovely seeing you, I miss you.'  
'Ok email me all your dates and I'll see where we can meet up again.'

Louis interupts us 'Can you help carry some of this rider back to Bus 1?' he looks at both Aiden and I, unreadable look on his face yet again.  
'Yeah of course.' We load up our arms with food and drink and make our way to the bus, the girls following behind giggling.  
We tap the code into the keypad making sure the girls can't see it and board the bus.

There no one on, the crew will be loading the truck and the others are watching the headliners. Xander is asleep on bus 2.  
We unload the stuff and walk to the back lounge downstairs, we click the music on and Usher sings to us.  
Louis goes over to Daisy, whispers in her ear and she stands and he leads her off, I feel my stomach lurch, us downstairs whilst they go upstairs! I look at Bella she's biting her lip nervously as she is left alone, I try and make small talk with her but my mind is filled with him and her just above us, I hitch the music up a bit, I don't wanna be hearing anything at all from up there.

The others all pile back on, well all except Niall who is shattered and has gone to bed on 2, bus call is at 3:30am, the crew come and sign in to say they are back and going to sleep on 2, not long after a topless Louis and a fully dressed Daisy come back downstairs, he seems like he just wants rid of her now, gives them both a 17 Black T Shirt from merch and asks Pete to walk them back to the gate, Aiden goes with them too 'hope to bump into you somewhere along the way.' he grins, massive hug and a kiss and he's gone.

Louis looks over 'drink?'  
I realise everyone is back on board and can now relax a little 'Ok cheers a corona thanks.'

He comes and joins me in the downstairs lounge, what the fuck do I say to him, 'hey I know you're not gay and want to forget it but remember this time last night when I was shagging your brains out? that was fun wasn't it, lets do it again.'

I stick to a more conventional 'You enjoy the crowd tonight? Good gig?'  
He loved it, enthused about the whole day, great festival, great weather blah blah.

It was just a nice excuse for me to sit and look at him, shirtless, faint marks on his chest from me makes my stomach lurch, my mind wondering, tasting those lips, feeling those arms round me, tasting him, touching him, FUCK, so good.  
I realise he's asked me something and I haven't replied  
'Sorry Louis what did you say?'  
'I said you seemed to enjoy Imagine Dragons, looked like you were really into it.'

'Oh I love them, that album means so much to me, I love it.'

'Yeah you could tell.'

So close, his knee brushed mine, I swallow, his eyes never leaving me, looking from my mouth to my eyes, faint smile on his lips, he knows I am squirming.

'Did you enjoy our set?'  
I nod, his aftershave, so heady, funny how a smell can take you to a place and a time, in his bed, in his arms, but I need to stop, I'm acting ridiculous, I have to live and work with this man so with every ounce of willpower I swallow and answer him, as normally as I can, stop my brain from over thinking and behave.

'Yeah it was amazing Lou, I loved it, you owned the stage, the crowd were in the palm of your hand.'  
He grinned 'thanks man.' That smile, that amazing, smile.  
Cal boarded and made sure we were all here and gave the go ahead to leave, onwards to Berlin for some promo a radio interview and a gig before heading back via Stuttgart for another gig and then home for more radio, a gig and the Isle of Wight festival.

We go upstairs and join Zayn and Liam watching X Men.  
'Didya shag that bird Tommo?' Zayn asks not taking his eyes off the TV.  
'Nah, just fooled about a bit, ya know, need my fun after a gig.'

He looked over and stared at me, I could feel him but daren't look, couldn't look, stomach lurching at him and the girl, I need to get used to this, its nothing, its just like a walk in the park, nothing!!  
We settled in for the 6 or 7 hour drive up to Berlin, we were there for a few days so had a hotel once we got there so we decided to stay up late and just sleep when we get there, we have all that day off and just have a radio interview the next night so we turn the back lounge upstairs into a giant chill out room, take snacks and beer and watch movies all night.

The seating area is like a horseshoe shape but all the bottom pulls out and makes it like a giant sleeper it can be a bedroom if needed but we just pull it all out and lay watching the TV.  
Zayn and Liam are quite snug in one corner of the bunk, Louis comes and sits with me, fucking hell.

We watch the film, deciding which superhero we all wanna be and then we put The Avengers on, I realise about 30 minutes into the film that Zayn and Liam are asleep, heads on each other, come down at last from the gig.  
I sneak a sideways look at Louis who looks heavy eyed, he looks over to them two and nudges me, grinning.

He shuffles nearer to take a sneaky photo of them, nap buddies, puts it on their private instagram that strictly only has them lot, very close friends and family.  
He doesn't shuffle away, his thigh pressed to mine, actutely aware of him, dying inside because I am turned on by him just glad my baggy sweats hide the truth, I can't go there again, no way, absolutely no way, sneak a look at him, his eyelashes throwing shadows onto his cheeks, his soft lips, his shiny freshly washed hair jesus he's stunning.

'How much like an old married couple do they look?' he whispers in my ear, his hot breath driving me wild.  
'Quite cute isn't it, don't you think?'  
He grins 'I think they like each other.'  
'Aww thats sweet.'  
His shoulder is pressed into mine now, I need to go, take myself away from this it's killing me, he's just being friendly and I am getting turned on, what a dick I am.  
I shuffle down off the sleeper, 'right, bed for me.'  
He nods, 'ok mate, night.'  
'Night Lou.'

I crawl into my bunk and I have a little cry, want to absolutely kick my own arse for getting myself in so deep so quickly, its easy come easy go for them, sex means nothing, its just a release in this fly by night environment, whereas I am a huge sap who can't help but have feelings, fool!  
I only wake up when we stop at the hotel, feeling rough I need more sleep, I go in and check us all in, grab the room keys and go and distribute them so everyone can go get more rest straight away.  
I go and sort bus 2 out first, hand them their cards and let Cal sort their luggage out, I then go back to bus 1.

Liam and Zayn are exactly where I left them but Louis must have come and got into a bunk after I did.  
I wake them all up and hand them their room cards and help them sort their luggage and we all go in together.  
Its a gorgeous hotel, we all look so done in, we mumble sleep well to each other and all fall into our rooms.

I have a shower, can't stand to think of this lovely fresh bed and me not so much and fall into bed knackered.  
I sleep soundly for a few hours and feel so much better when I wake up, I check my emails and sort a few things out, message Cal to see if he was up, he was just about up so I threw some clothes on and popped down to his room to see how things were going.

We'd been invited to a gig at a local venue by an upcoming band, he thought the guys might want to go to that and then a local club is holding a VIP party so probably go on to that.  
He sends me to wake them up, they have a radio interview to do.  
Liam is fine, Zayn is narky, Louis is ok, Niall is Niall, full of the joys.

They're all going in to the radio station to chose some of their favourite songs and chat.  
I pop back to Liam, 'go and cheer Zayn up he's tired and a bit grumpy, we need to eat and leave for the radio station soon.'

He nods 'No prob Haz.'  
My phone bleeps, its Louis, 'Help.'  
I go and knock 'Whats up Lou?'  
'My shower's not working Harry, cold only, been messing about with it ages, can you have a look am I missing something obvious?'

I go and mess with it, can't get any hot water at all, its freezing cold and a tiny trickle.  
'Grab your stuff and come and use mine.'  
He has a quick root through his case, grab undies and his washbag and follows me over.

I leave him to shower and pop back to see Zayn and Liam, they are with Xander, mood much better all of them having a laugh, I ask them if they want to go see the band tonight and they do, I tell Xander to come to mine to do Louis' hair and then go back to my room, make sure I make lots of noise as I go in, he's just coming out of the bathroom, towel slung low.

I gulp, bury my head in my case, not looking.  
I don't hear him sneak up on me but suddenly he's there, behind me, he wraps his damp arms around me, gives me a squeeze.  
'Glad we got you Harry, you've been a great addition to the team, you've fit in so well'  
His head on my back, arms round my waist, my whole body ignites, fuck me he is so sexual, my groin throbs and aches just having him near me but touching me, thats a whole other level, I feel like I daren't breathe, chest so tight, I don't know what to do or say so I do nothing, stand there like a statue, frozen to the spot.  
'Thanks' I croak, my voice sounding strained.

He lets go, I cough, clear my throat, 'I'll go shower, Xander will be here in a second.'  
I close the bathroom door and let myself go, my whole body shaking, his prescence is affecting me so badly, why WHY did I fuck up so bad, couldn't just be professional could I?

I click the shower on, spend ages in there and can hear the hairdryer when I get out, I wrap the towel round and go and chose my clothes, Xander whistles when I walk out.  
'Hey nice bod Haz.'  
I blush deep red, 'Shurrup.'  
'What's everyone wearing tonight?'  
'I'm going for jeans and a shirt tonight.' Louis says.  
'Yeah good Idea I think I'll wear that too.'

Louis goes back to his room to get ready.  
I root in my case, pull a couple of shirts out, one is the palest blue with a faint silver stripe and one is black and flimsy and a bit daring, I stuff that one back in and go for the blue one, team it with biker boots and black jeans, Xander grabs me and quiffs all my hair up, leaves the sides in curls, he does it in second, it looks good.

Aftershave, lip balm and I'm good to go, we all meet in the lobby, Louis is in a white shirt, really soft and floaty and open low down his chest, his hair all feathery and soft, his jeans so tight, STOP LOOKING YOU TWAT, I scream in my head.

Niall bounds over, 'Looking good Styles, nice shirt, you after pulling t'night?'  
I laugh 'You never know Nialler you never know.'

Cars come and collect us, we go to the radio station and record an interview to be played on their morning programme, Louis is so funny and quick witted and the others just bounce off of him so well, I was having to hold back laughing all the time at their banter.  
They get asked the usual 'Who is single, who isnt?' they all announce they are single, would they date a fan? 'Yes.' Hmmmm.

The cars come for us and we go to the venue, go and meet the band backstage and then take our places up on a balcony, the gig is fantastic, the crowd really up for it and the guys are on top form, great company and the drinks are flowing.  
We get whisked through the streets of Berlin to the aftershow party at a club, honestly having such a great time. Hostesses show us to our massive booth, the table laid with canapes and drinks, the music pumping.

We are already merry with booze, we all get up to dance, the dancefloor packed, music so loud we are jumping about lost in the atmosphere, get hot, get sweaty, so good, we drift back to the table, have shots, have such a laugh. Cal is knackered and wants to go back, we all stay with most of the crew and Pete.

The girls are flocking round the band, even I'm getting chatted up, a cute blonde girl latches onto me and I'm too polite to be blunt, she begs me to dance with her, she pulls me along after her, draping herself on me on the dancefloor, she's really going for it, I just dance along, I spot Niall and Zayn on a raised bit watching my dilemma being absolute shits laughing at me. Bastards.

I realise Louis is also on the dancefloor with a stunning girl, long dark hair, hazel eyes, tanned skin, utterly stunning. My throat goes tight, I'm jealous, I can't stop watching them, she's whispering in his ear, he's smiling wide, his eyes flirting with her, she's licking her lips suggestively, I turn so I can't see them, don't want to watch.

The song stops and I walk away, go get a drink, hope the girl gets the message, sit and drink my vodka, watch Louis, they make a gorgeous couple, my belly feels hollow.  
Niall's entertaining a table full of ladies, they are all hanging on his every word, he's loving it. Zayn and Liam are chatting at our booth, my eyes can't help but torture me, a slower song comes on and she pulls him in by his belt loops, her arms go round his neck, looking into his eyes, I see her reach forward, lips meet, lingering slow soft kiss, can't tear my eyes away. They pull back from each other, his eyes dart to our booth, I look away fast, don't want him to think I'm watching him, I jump up and go to the toilet, pee, wash my hands and splash my face with water, linger in there, wasting time, staring at my reflection on the mirror, the door swings open, Its him, eyes meet through the mirror, he comes over, 'Ok?' quizzical look on his face.  
I nod, 'you?'  
He doesn't answer, just looks at me, I feel the tension in my chest, his eyes burning into me, my throat contracting, so tight, I try to swallow, mouth so dry I bite my lip his eyes fall to my mouth, he blinks slowly, those eyelashes.  
'I'm ummm...' he shakes his head, walks away to pee, I quickly dry my hands and head for the door.  
'Harry..'  
I spin round, not expecting him to call out, raise my chin in reply.  
'I umm...can we..'  
The door swings open, a drunk guy staggers in, Louis lifts his hand.  
'S'ok..'  
'You sure?'  
'Yup.'  
I go back out, sit at the booth and drink. What was he going to say? Do I even want to know?  
Can we what? 

I see him approach the girl, he nods over to the table and they walk across.  
'Hey everyone this is Hattie.' he shouts above the thumping bass. We all nod and smile, too loud to try and make conversation with her.  
I'm trapped in the booth now, its a horseshoe shape and I have Liam and Zayn blocking one way and those two the other, the guys are leant in, whispering to each other and there is no way I am moving Louis and Hattie out of the way so I sit and pretend the beer mat is the most interesting thing I ever read.

Can we?  
Fuck thats going to kill me now, what did he want to ask?  
'Can we sleep in your bed together, can we fuck hard, can we hold each other til dawn, can we kiss, can we make each other scream..'  
Jesus christ I am going out of my mind.

He was probably going to say 'Can we sort the pimping arrangements for this girl, can we sort out a late for lobby call in the morning I have a hot chick to shag all night.'

Liam leans over to me 'Me and Zayn are ready to go Haz, are you staying or..?'  
I look over at Louis, deep in whispered conversation, I don't really want to sit here like a wallflower but I also can't really leave him so I gesture across to Pete that they are off and he goes and takes them to the car. Paul leaves too Pete sees them on their way and comes back in.

They go for another dance and then they seem to be ready to go, he looks over.  
'Ready? I mouth to him.  
He nods and whispers something to the girl, she nods and we all stand up to leave, the rest of the crew come too so we need a few cars, Pete sorts it and we are all stood in the fresh night air waiting to go.

'I'll go with Louis and his friend and you go with the crew.' Pete says to me.  
I nod, quite thankful I dont have to share the confines of the car with them.

Our car arrives back first, Louis' not far behind, I decide I aren't staying up for more drinks I'm going straight up to bed. I just shout 'Niiiiight.' as I stride to the lift, not wanting to get caught up in anything with the crew who are staying up,  
I press and walk into the lift just as the other car pulls up outisde, phew, escaped.

I am relieved the night is over, I undress and have a quick shower and slide into bed and fall asleep quickly but I sleep so badly, keep waking up, must be thrashing about as the bed is an absolute mess.

I look at my phone for the time, 4:03am but there is a stack of texts, all from him.  
I sit up, startled, chest thumping, I open them.

3:12am Are you awake?  
3:16 guess not or you are pretending to be asleep.  
3:18 I wouldn't blame you.  
3:22 Just put Hattie in a taxi, the most beautiful girl in the club wanted me and I just couldn't be arsed.  
3:25 What the fuck is wrong with me?  
3:26 Sorry  
3:27 Can we talk sometime, just us  
3:35 Fucking ignore me, I am sorry, drink talking, sorry night Haz x  
I sit there stunned, what the hell do I do? Go back to sleep, deal with this in the morning?  
What does he want to say? Well I dunno Harry what DOES he want to say, you aint no mindreader boy. I sit there arguing with myself and in the end I can't help it and just put.  
'You ok Tommo?'  
Hand lingers over the send button, lingers oh fuck it, send.

Immediately panic and want to reverse time, delete, delete, delete, if only it were that easy, heart pounding now, fluttering wildly in my chest.  
Phone lights up, I'm acutely aware of the blood rushing in my ears.  
'Can I come over to your room?'  
'What now?'  
'Is that ok or you sleepy?'  
'No its ok, come over.' SEND.

I jump up, I'm naked, grab some boxers from my case, catch sight of myself, wild hair thats dried in bed, a mass of dark messy curls I look about 12. Shit, dig about looking for pajama bottoms but can't find them, gentle tap on the door, I close my eyes, try and centre myself, deep breath and let him in.

He's in sweats, hair damp from the shower, smells of soap and deoderant, fresh and clean, I bet I don't smell that good after my couple of hours of thrashing about!  
He sits on the bed, folds his legs like he's at school.  
I sit facing him, one leg under me.  
'What's on your mind?.' I ask him.  
He's looking down, pulling at a bit of cotton on his sweats.

'What have you done to me?' he whispers. 

'What have I done to you? what's wrong Lou?'  
I reach and touch his leg, 'Louis what have I done?' panic flushing my body.

'Blown my mind,' he whispers 'I can't even think straight, its just....fuck...its just opened a huge can of worms, my mind is just full of that night, that fucking night...I replay it over and over, I just don't know what I am now....am I gay? I don't even know, I think David Beckham is fit but don't all men? What am I? what the fuck am I?'

He doesn't even lift his head, eyes down all the time.  
'Look at me Louis, please, don't cast your eyes down, don't be hard on yourself.' He looks up, misty eyed, looking a bit lost.  
'Tell me what I am Harry.' he pleads.

'You're Louis and you don't need any other label than that, you don't need to fit into a slot that society says you have to, you can see someone, want to have sex with them regardless of gender, thats should be inconsequential, attraction is attraction, end of, embrace your healthy sexual appetite and once you accept it yourself the rest will come easy, I have never been attracted sexually to females but I would never say never and if it happens it happens, I can appreciate a beautiful woman, Hattie was stunning and you could see that too but whereas I had no desire to touch her, kiss her, maybe you did have but you need to get past this mental block of what or who you are.'

He has listened intently, mouth slightly open, eyes hooded.  
'You had sex with a man and enjoyed it, no strings, just allowed yourself to experience the pleasure, thats fucking amazing, how many people have pigeon holed themselves, not allowed their spirits to wander to explore to try, you had the courage and spirit to do that and its opened up a whole new avenue, don't fall into the trap of labels, just be you.'

He's looking at me like he's never seen me before, scanning my face, his eyes searching.  
'You make it sound all so easy.' he whispers.  
'It really is though, sex is wonderful, amazing sex is life giving and if you find that, then embrace it, I am an emotional sap, I attatch too many feelings to it and end up getting hurt but I think you will be an amazing sexual being if you just allow yourself to be.'  
'You saying I have no feelings?' He looks slightly hurt at this.  
'No but you have to admit you have the confidence to pick someone up and be intimate with them after just meeting, giving your body to them, I am a bit different, I ummm..well.... I need to know someone first, you are the closest I have come to a one night stand I have to have a connection or at least thats what's happened in the past, I've never just picked someone up in a bar and shagged them, but you are able to do that, pick a girl out in the audience and be intimate with her, there's nothing wrong with that but we are all different and you allow yourself to be so carefree and thats a good thing I mean all I am saying is free yourself from boundaries, don't limit yourself.'

He almost throws himself forward into my arms, hugs me so tight.  
I stoke his hair, breathe him in, fuck, he feels so good in my arms, desire coursing through my body for him, he just ignites every nerve and fibre in me, a heavy ache low in my groin, needing to concentrate having only got boxers on.  
'Can I stay?' he breaths into my neck 'not for...just..I mean..to be close.'  
'Yeah, of course,' trying to sound calm but a frenzy of emotion swilling round my belly.

We lay down, I hold him in my arms, his head under my chin, it feels so nice, his hand lazily fanning down my back, feels so good, he has no idea just how good.  
'It's just nice to have someone hold you.' He breaths into my neck, I smile, close my eyes, relish the moment.  
'It does, snuggles are the best, it helps when its someone's cute as well.'  
'You think I'm cute?' he sounds incredulous.  
'Oi stop fishing for compliments, of course you are cute, in a very manly, rugged kind of way.'  
I feel his shoulders shake in a laugh.  
'Rugged, manly and cute, what a bloody combination.'  
'Dork.' I poke his ribs, he squirms.  
'Spanner.' he pokes me back.

I lay and feel him breathing, lightly stroking his arm, soft skin, hard body, he fits in my arms so well, loving this, its been too long since someone shared my bed.  
'Tell me about your love life then Hazza.'  
I tense a little, he feels me, looks up at me, 'only if you want to.'  
'Well there's not much to tell but ok, here goes.'  
'My first love was Sam, he was at high school with me, we started seeing each other at the end of 6th form and had a lovely summer together, a pair of fledglings, mad for each other, so cute, we both had different uni places, we tried to keep it going but it was impossible, we parted friends though, hurt like hell to let him go but he will always have a place in my heart, he was my first love.'

He squeezes me in encouragement.  
'I met Mikey in college, had a year long relationship with him, he was lovely, so kind, thoughtful but I never felt that absolute bond with him, I loved spending time with him and we had a good sex life but the there was something missing, it just never felt complete.'

He hums his encouragement for me to go on.

'Then there was Ty, promised me the earth and cheated on me after 6 weeks, think he just wanted to chalk me up as a conquest.'

'Bastard, I hate him.' He mutters

'Then there was Ben, the guy the other night.' He sits up a bit, looking at me.

'You ok to talk about him?'

I nod, he settles back into my arms.

'I went to LIPA, Liverpool institute for Performing Arts, I got a work placement at his record label, Island, he kind of took me under his wing, showed me how the label was run, was kind and generous with his time and effort.'

'What happened?'

'Oh god its complicated Lou,' He nods, encourages me to go on.

A sudden sob escapes my throat, he pulls me in closer, stroking my back.

'Go on, if you can Harry.' encouraging me.

'Well I always knew he was married, talked about his wife and there was a photo of her on his desk but I never thought for one minute he was interested in me, I just presumed he was happy, fulfilled.'

'We spent a lot of time together, I was based in his office, sat while he took important phone calls, made huge decisions, he was patient and kind with me, showed me everything, was there for bands signing on with him, went out scouting with the A&R man in London with him, saw all aspects of the job, we were really close, he is such a lovely man. He took me on a business trip to New York to see the US label team, we flew first class, had a stunning hotel and went out socialising, loved it but then that night, I ended up in his bed, I'd been in love with him for weeks, absolutely infatuated with him and so started the best and worst few months of my life.'

I shake my head, its painful to think back, how much he meant to me.

'You ok Harry?'

I nod, deep breath.

'They were both encouraged to marry by their families, they were all friends and there was a bit of pressure on them to join the two families together by marriage. They both had high powered jobs and they were rarely home together, Ben had found out she was cheating on him, they agreed to stay together for the sake of the families but they then had a very open marriage and he admitted to her that he had slept with men when he was younger. I came along at the right time apparently, he was lonely and needed someone in his life, he treated me so well, gave me everything I ever needed, not possessions but love and passion but he would never be mine completely, I indulged myself in the luxury of having him for a while but then I wanted more, wanted him all to myself and he wouldn't do it, wouldn't commit.'

I sit up, hug my knees to my chest, the pain pouring back into me like it was yesterday.

'I waited until my placement finished, see if he dumped me, see if I really meant something to him, he wanted to keep seeing me so I asked for all of him, wanted the works and he couldn't or wouldn't do it so for all our sakes I ended it, hoping I suppose that he would miss me and make the grand gesture, he never did so there I was, in a black hole of sorrow with my finals looming and my ridiculous heart in tatters.'

He hugs me.  
'Its not a ridiculous heart, you are a good man Harry, you deserve someone special in your life.'  
'Thanks Lou.' I whisper, dashing the tears away with the back of my hand.  
He looks up at me, 'it hit you hard didn't it?'  
'Yep, really hard, I changed my number and never got in touch with him again.' I sigh.

'The other night was the first time I had seen him in months and it hurt, a lot and he wanted me to call him, told me he missed me and I rang him.'

He sits up, looks at me.'

'And?'

'And I didn't really give him a chance to speak, I just said are you still married and he said yes but.. and I put the phone down.'

'If he'd said no what would you have done?'

I beat, a silent moment, thoughts rush through my head, facing the question I had been avoiding since I saw him.

'I honestly don't know Louis.'

'I thought I was over him but seeing him the other night was hell, it brought up all the old feelings but is that all it is, a remembered feeling from back then?'

He sighs.  
'I'll kill him if he hurts you.'  
I smile, 'Louis Tomlinson you little softie.'  
'Shhhh don't you dare tell anyone, I need to maintain my bad boy image.'  
'Thanks for listening to me Louis, it was good to talk to you.'  
He shifts up, looks at me 'yeah me too, I needed that chat with you, been going mad inside my own head since..well since we..'  
'You feel better about it now?'  
'Yeah, suppose I do, its no big deal is it? So what if I had mindblowing sex with a hot guy, lucky me I say.'  
I grin 'Hmm mindblowing sex.' you can hear the smile in my voice as I say it.  
'Ok big boy stop with the smug.'  
I laugh 'Go to sleep now.'

He snugs down and we both sleep soundly until Marimba plays its deadly tune.  
He jumps up, has a quick pee, I follow straight after, 'you need to get back to your room or else we'll have the whole entourage talking about us.'  
He nods.  
'Thanks again for last night Harry.' I smile, 'you too Lou.'  
He's looking at me with those unbelievable eyes, black lashes so ridiculously long, eyes so clear and blue, he leans forward, hesitates slightly and then slowly, tenderly, he kisses me, soft and sweet, no urgency, not frantic, just slow and gentle, beautiful, lips part slightly, his mouth just has the ability to make me melt, the tenderness squeezing the life out of my heart, He pulls back, his pupils so blown, breathless.

'Better go.' He balls his fist to cover the material over his crotch which seems to be straining, no such luck for me, I have tiny tight pants on that are hiding nothing at all.  
'Yep, see you soon.'

I let him out and slide down the door, one kiss and he has reduced me to a wreck on the floor, I need to stop this, preserve myself, can feel myself getting too deep and I really cannot do this, I really cannot, I hug my knees to me and let myself cry properly, such a bloody idiot, I can't be hurt again.

The day passes smoothly, the venue is an old gothic building, loads of lovely photo ops for the boys, they get their hair done, get dressed and a magazine comes in and shoots them for an article, they all look so good, moody black and white photos and then an interview with them all, I sit in, watch them bounce off each other, so quick witted.

A local band are opening for them tonight, they arrive and do a quick set up and sound check and then we order in some pizza's for dinner and soon its show time.  
'Do I need to have passes in my pocket tonight?' I ask Louis and Niall.  
'Aye, you never know.' Niall winks, Louis just smiles.  
Its so good, the sound is amazing in this building, the crowd are so loud, its hot and sweaty and the place is jumping.

I can't help but watch him, he takes the crowd on a journey they're at his mercy, I play a game, who are they going to reach out to? Spot a couple of potential girls.  
Soon its last song time, I am down in the pit, its quite narrow, not a lot of room, I see Niall reach out to this funky girl, really striking and cool,  nice. I wait to see if Louis makes a move, he's on his knees singing, heart and soul into it, he leans back, folding himself in half, feet under his bum, shoulders almost on the floor, I've turned to look at him now, lost in his performance, he throws himself forward, screaming out the next line, jumps to his feet and comes to the edge of the stage, ok here goes, he bends forward and ruffles my hair and then moves on and finishes the song, ok so no woman for Louis tonight, he obviously didn't see anyone who caught his eye, I wait, let him take the ovation and then move into the girl who Niall indicated, give her a setlist and a pass for her and her friend and take them backstage.

We party backstage and the drinks flow, the support band bring some friends back so its busy and chatty and whilst the crew pack up, we socialise.  
It starts to wind down, the cars come for us and we travel back to the hotel to get a few hours sleep before bus call at 8am. Niall is still with the girl, I be the decoy taking her up in the lift with then take her to his room. Job done I swiftly pack up my case, have a quick shower and fall into bed, I grab my phone to set the alarm and there is a text from him.

2:14 'I must be losing my edge, in bed alone.'  
I reply 'You need your beauty sleep, its prolly a good thing.'  
2:18 'You saying I'm ugly?'  
'Far from it, go to sleep, see you for bus call, 8am sharp, you need help packing?'  
2:19 'Yeah come and do it now.'

'Sod off, I'll chuck it all in for you tomorrow.'  
2:21 'Think you just missed an oportunity there.'  
Shit! What do I say to that?'  
Whilst I'm sat thinking what to say my phone beeps again.  
2:24 'Come over...'  
Oh fuck, he doesn't realise what that does to me, he's ok, I am falling deeper and deeper, should stay away to preserve my feelings.  
'Go to sleep its late, you have another show tomorrow.'

I type this whilst rolling about on the bed, groaning and hating myself, wanting with all my heart to go over but I daren't I just really daren't.

I wait...nothing back from him, using every ounce of will power not to go and knock on his door, not to go and sleep in his arms, I lay down but put my phone on the pillow facing me on the quietest volume so I can hear any beeps, constantly think I have heard something and pick my phone up, nothing. This feels worse than saying no, jesus fucking christ Styles, what the fuck do you want?

I get up pace about, should I go, the temptation killing me, my head saying no, go back to bed, my heart saying RUN OVER THERE YOU STUPID FUCK.  
I throw myself on the bed, put my phone on silent, curl into a ball and make myself sleep.

7am comes too soon, feeling like I haven't slept a wink, mainly because I woke up 75 times and checked my phone! Stupid idiot.  
Wake myself up under the shower and dress quickly and go and tap on their doors, Zayn looks half asleep, I offer to pack for him and he's sorted in no time, Liam is all done, packed and ready, Niall is half asleep, had a heavy night by the looks of it, I pack for him whilst he wakes up in the shower, now Louis, its 7:45 and time is marching on, I knock and he answers, all dressed, packed and ready.  
'Wow someone's on the ball this morning.'  
'I packed last night, couldn't sleep, too much adrenaline after the show.'  
'Oh well if you're all sorted I will go back and check on Niall and Zayn, they're a bit delicate this morning.'  
He nods, I feel like he is being cool with me, don't like it, feel a bit gutted.

I go and make sure they're all ok and we get down for bus call, Niall and Zayn want to sleep so they go on 2, the rest on 1, I see where Cal wants to go, he goes on 2 as well as he has some conference calls to do and needs the peace so I hop on 1 and set up office in the kitchen again.  
I hear Louis and Liam playing games upstairs and I sort out the days emails and the guestlist for tonight.  
The journey is about 6 hours and we stop half way to stretch our legs, I feel so tired and decide to go for a nap, I stay on 1 though because Cal is still working, I put earplugs in and sleep well, the motion of the bus always helps rock you to sleep.  
I feel someone shaking me gently and see Louis peering around the curtain.  
'Nearly here Haz, you ok?'  
'Yep, much better for my snooze, I didn't sleep so well last night.' I admit.  
He frowns 'Why?'  
WHY? WHY? I wanna scream, because I'm crazy, because you text me in the dead of night and fuck with my head, because I have battles with my brain telling me one thing and my body telling me another I have to bring feelings into everything, can't just have fun, no strings attatched fun, oh no I have to fall head first every single time but instead I just say...  
'Oh just stuff, you know.' Wave my hand dismissively.  
He stares at me, trying to read me I think? Purses his lips and brings his chin up.  
'You wanna cuppa I just made one.'  
'Thanks Lou, would love one.'  
Anything to make this aching stop in my chest when he is so close to me like that.

I jump up and go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, the cuppa is waiting for me when I get out.  
Liam and Louis discuss the setlist tonight and what cover to do, I watch them, laughing and joking, they are such good friends.  
'Anybody hosting a party for us tonight Harry?' Liam asks  
'Umm there is one dodgy looking club that has offered to host us, they do have a VIP area but its your call guys.'  
Louis curls his lip, 'not sure I can be arsed with dodgy to be honest, shall we go do summat else like bowling or umm like night fishing?'  
Liam and I burst out laughing, 'Tommo you crazy bastard.' he dives on him and slaps his arse so hard.  
'Liam you have hands like fucking shovels man, my arse is stinging now,'

We arrive at the venue and it looks like an old disused warehouse, no where near as pretty as last nights place.  
The crew set up and the band soundcheck and then go for naps on the bus, I ring some of the bowling alleys and see if any open very late and if we can secure some alleys, one says it will stay open for us so I book it for us all.  
I get everything ready backstage so they can nap as long as possible, I pre empt when they might want to wear with Xander and lay it all out with a few choices for them.

We go and wake them as late as we dare and then get them sorted with showers, hair and clothes.  
It all works out and they are ready to go with plenty of time, nerves are buzzing tonight, the crowd are quite hardcore and I think the band feel a bit jittery.  
I see Louis on his own, sat drinking a bottle of beer, looking scared as hell, I go talk to him.  
'Hey Lou I have booked us a coupl[e of bowling places if you were serious earlier.' He looks up, nods and smiles.  
'Yeah I love bowling, prepare to have your ass whipped Styles.'

Hmmm..

The show is astounding, the crowd absolutely deafeneing, I can see how high they all are on the pure rush of feeding off the crowd.

No passes tonight as we are going straight to bowling and then bus call for the UK, I am secretly pleased.

They run off stage, the adrenaline buzzing through them, they are so high, so pumped, they go shower and change and come and have a drink waiting for each other to be ready. Niall is like a wind up toy, so hyper, shadow boxing himself and then turns on Liam who is next ready, they spa round the small backstage area. Zayn out next, I watch him pick a beer up, he is jumping about to Jay Z, he walks over to Liam and throws his arm round his shoulder, Liam looks round and smiles at him, oh my word OH MY WORD, they are shagging, they are totally shagging, the look he gave him, I watch, see Zayns thumb brushing the back of Liams neck, so soft, so gentle, see Liam lean back into it, his hand coming and brushing Zayns thigh, see Zayn shift, let his hand drop down Liams back, just catching his bum. How have I missed this? My mind thinking back to them falling asleep together on the lounger, in each others rooms when I go to help them pack, I am such an idiot it was so obvious.

Louis comes flying into the room  
'Oi Oiiiii who's up for some bowling then? prepare to be slaughtered by the master.' He shouts. I arrange the cars and go see the crew and ask them to put the remainder of the rider onto the buses and then off we go.

We arrive and its a really cool place, they have ultra violet lights for the lanes, music video walls with the sound cranked up, really great atmosphere.

We have 2 lanes with 4 of us on each, Zayn Liam Cal and Xander verses Louis, Niall, Pete and me. We will have a winner of each lane but also the overall team winners. Louis puts rude team names in the computer and away we go. True to his word Louis is fantastic at bowling although I am looking at his arse more than the pins he is knocking down, its very distracting seeing him bent over throwing the ball! I am quite average. He gets strikes and spares most throws and I am lucky to get the odd spare. We have such a great time, laughing at each others misfortune and taking the piss. Zayn is useless and won't even try, he puts zero effort in and doesn't give a fuck about it, Cal and Xander who are really good at bowling are groaning and shouting at him for being so shit but Liam isn't, awww he is all heart eyes at him instead, huge smile and the odd pat on the bum.

Its the very last throw and its my turn, they are 5 points infront, Louis comes over  
'Ok Haz, come on, lets get the job done, no messing about, you only need 6 pins, 6 you can do it.' He grabs my face, squahses it so tight between his hands so I look all distorted, pulls my head forward and plants a huge smacking kiss on my forehead. Way to make my hands shake Louis!

First throw, I make a total mess of it, it ends up in the side, no pins down, the other team all laugh and cheer. I make the sign of the cross, pick my ball up, fingers in the holes, kiss the ball, Louis starts a 'Harrrr-y Harrrr-y.' Chant going, I try my best, just hope it doesn't drop off the line, I've thrown it as hard as I can, it stays straight, thunders down and takes out 8 pins, I did it, I run round arms in the air, feel someone jump on my back, its Louis, one arm over my shoulder, one in the air, legs wrapped round me. Shit, the heat of his body, so good.

My face must be beaming, Pete and Niall rugby tackle me and Louis to the ground, a pile of boys, cheering and laughing.  
We walk out to a chorus of 'We are the champions, no time for losers cos we are the champions, of the world..'

We get the cars back to the buses and pile on bus 1, no one is ready for sleep, the crew are all tucked up on 2 and we are ready to party. Zayn and Liam hit the decks and give us club night on Bus 1. We have such a good time.  
They play songs, all sing together, half of the songs I don't even recognise but they all finger point and sing to each other  
'Started from the bottom now my whole fuckin team here..' I recognise Drake, they all turn Gangster, throwing up signs, moody faces, so funny, 'Talk dirty to me..' next, all messing about, dancing to it, I video them on my phone, threaten them with a Vine or instagram.

I just watch them, goofing around, the best of friends.  
They are starting to wind down, the decks left and just a chilled playlist put on, we pull the lounger out and just sit talking and drinking. Of course Liam and Zayn are clamped firmly next to each other, Louis disappears downstairs and comes back with snacks for us, Niall decides he wants sleep, we are due a stop anytime and so he sorts himself out to swap to 2 as does Pete and Cal.

We get some air at the stop, Zayn has a cig, I shiver in my thin shirt, its so hot on the bus compared to the cool night air. I hop back on and go changed into pajama bottoms and a vest.

'Think me and Zayn are gonna watch a film.' Liam says.  
I get it now, that way they can snuggle in the lounge together, whereas in the bunks they would be apart, so cute, they look so good together.  
Them two sit close under one blanket and are soon both asleep on each other, Xander Louis and I try to get into the film but I am struggling and fail miserably, eyes closing all the time, Xander gives in and wanders to bed, I am too comfortable to move.  
'I'll just close my eyes.' I whisper to Louis, sleepy eyes, hardly a voice. He nods 'me too curly.'

Sometime after I wake up and realise I am totally spooning with Louis, he is sound asleep and I am tucked into his back, his bottom in my crotch, my head in his hair, I breath him in, indulge in the fact that I can do this now, he is asleep and has no idea. I sweep my hand down his side, feel the tight muscles around his chest, the downward curve of his stomach to the upward curve of his hips. I hardly let my hand touch him, just ghost down his body, I sigh, he is just so hot, I can hardly contain myself. His smell, his body, just him. I can feel my groin so heavy, the need killing me, the fact that I can't, killing me even more.

I turn away gently as to not wake him, back to back, I inch up so we are touching in as many places as we can, ass to shoulders. He shifts, feel him stretch a little, feel him squirming about and feel him turn over, he is spooning me now, oh shit, his arm snakes round me, hot fires in my belly, I can't move, daren't move, I feel him nuzzle my neck, hot breath in my hair, was that his lips on my neck? Holy fuck, his hand gently skims my chest, my stomach, praying he doesn't go lower, that will really give the game away and then he gently moves my hair, his lips so light, so gentle, brush the soft skin where my neck meets my shoulder, hot darts fill my belly and chest, my groin throbbing, he keeps going, ghosting kisses so soft, so tender, feel him sigh against my neck, his breath fanning the skin, heat radiating, me frozen to the spot, not daring to move, not daring to react, but destroying me not to.

But then his tongue comes into play, feel him lick me, then his lips descend, hot kisses, his tongue driving me crazy, he wants me to react, wants me to wake up, he sucks harder at that place, his hands still skimming up and down my body I can't help but let a tiny sigh escape me, he's waiting for it and in one move he is rolling me over, onto my back, him still on his side, I look up at him, eyes needy, lips parted he shakes his head at me and slowly his lips are on mine, soft, gentle, slow burning kisses, so wrong with Zayn and Liam snoozing just across the lounge, heavy breathing next to each other, we can't make a sound. His lips never leave mine, slow and sensual, he is so gentle, its lovely, his hands just as gentle, running down my side, his thumbs caressing gently.

I have no idea how long we stayed like this, it was heavenly, just enjoying the art of perfect kissing. He kisses down my jaw and onto my neck, my weakness is my neck being kisses and sucked, I pull his head back up 'No please.' I whisper, nose to nose. His hand moves, his thumb lightly skims my nipple, for fucks sake, my other weakness, my ultra sensitive nipples, they have a direct line to my dick which twitches so badly when he does that. I grab his hand 'No.' I feel him smile against my cheek, rubs his nose against mine and returns to kissing me but he can't help himself now and as his hand finds the edge of my vest he is up inside stroking my nipple so soft I groan, the noise sounding so loud we are going to be caught, I have to grab him and stop him because I can't take any more. I go to get off the lounger and his arms come round me and pull me back, I turn away, try and protect myself from him, the need in me so strong.

He shuffles into me again, arm over my side, pulling my belly back so my arse is in his groin, oh fuck, there it is, he gently ruts against me, lips on my neck, my whole body is shaking now with the added pressure of rock hard cock and just utter need. His hand moves down, slowly down until he feels me too, palming me through my thin pajamas, a damp patch there already from it leaking, he presses my erection hard against his palm, boom, the flash inside of me so intense, I push away which only brings me more into contact with his cock on my arse, I feel him gasp as the pressure increases, he grabs my hand and pulls it round, pushing it into his bulge, his turn to lose it, feel him buck at the pressure, realise we are going to get caught and pull away, he tries to grab me but I am too fast, I jump off the lounger, dash downstairs to the bathroom, look in the mirror, I look fucked, mouth swollen and red, cheeks flushed, a bruise where he had nibbled my skin, little fucker but jesus holy christ that was such a hot make out session, he is amazing and had we not been on this tour bus I would have been useless to resist him. 

I splash my face with cold water, grip the edge of the sink, he turns me on so much, so hot but what the hell are we doing? This really needs to stop.  
I come out of the bathroom and sit in the kitchen a while, open a bottle of water and take a long drink, fold my arms onto the table and lay my head on top, can't even begin to work this out, it's so unlike me to be so weak and impulsive, even Ben and I had spent a long time together, weeks of working and socialising before New York happened.

I hear shuffling about upstairs and Liam and Zayn come down to use the bathroom, shocked to see me sat at the table 'couldn't sleep,' I smile weakly.  
Liam goes in and Zayn comes over 'you ok Haz you look a bit upset.'  
'Nah I'm fine mate, just can't get used to life on the road just yet, hotels and tour buses, weird sleeping patterns and all that.' he nods. 'Try and get your head down for a few hours, if you don't wanna sleep in a bunk if it freaks you out, use the back lounge, thats what its for, megastars don't use the bunks they have a bus to themselves and the back lounge is their bedroom.'  
I smile 'I'll be fine in the bunk but cheers mate, kind of you to offer it to me.'

Liam comes out and swaps with Zayn, he grabs a bottle of water, has a little chat and then wanders back up to bed, dawn is just breaking and I'm on my way to bed.  
I follow him up, have no idea where Louis is, probably in his bunk by now, I get in mine and dream ridiculous dreams for the rest of the night.  
London is calling and the next day we check back into the K West, we have a gig at KoKo the day after and then a spot on Grimmy's breakfast show the day after.  
I quickly dress and go and check us all in, go onto 2 and give them their room keys and then go onto 1 and dish ours out. I deliberately put Louis next to me, talk about playing russian roulette with yourself. I also put Liam and Zayn next to each other, well I am a sucker for a good romance.

Louis is fast asleep in his bunk, I shake him gently, smiling to myself as I get to have a little touch of his shoulder.  
'Lou, we're at the hotel.' He rolls over, sleepy tired face.  
'Mmm 'k Haz, coming.'  
He rolls out of the bunk and in his pajamas, they look ok to go into the hotel in, its early afternoon and pretty quiet. The luggage gets brought up and I take a shower and do some work.  
My phone buzzes and its him 'what room you in?'  
'Why?'  
'Wanna come and annoy you.'  
'Some of us have work to do go annoy the others.'  
'I'm just going to knock on all the doors round me.'  
'Jesus christ, I'm 521.'  
'Oh handy.'

He's knocking in seconds, I let him in, pull a face at him as if to say behave.'  
He grins, fresh out of the shower in sweats and a t shirt he looks so hot.  
'Sit down and be quiet I need to work.'  
I sit at my laptop answering emails, sorting out the running schedule for KoKo and the guestlist and then contacting Radio One about Grimmys show.  
He sits on my bed, messing with his phone, feet in the air again, I can't help but smile. He gets bored and wanders over, reading over my shoulder, messing about whilst I'm on the phone and just generally distracting me.  
I give him daggers and he lifts his hands up 'Sorry sorry.' he mouths but grins the most cheeky grin ever, I can't be mad at him, I finish and click off.

'Oh my god, it is like having a 5 year old in the room, are you bored?'  
He nods 'come and play with me Harry.' he says in a childish voice.  
'No go find some friends in the park and go play with them.' I say firmly but my heart is melting.  
He pouts 'but you are the friend I like to play with the mostest.'  
I roll my eyes.  
'You have the bestest toys.' he sticks his tongue out.  
That makes me laugh.  
'Shut up you fool, go annoy Niall or Xander.'  
'I'll be quiet, I'll stay here and just watch you.' he grins.  
Oh shit.

I ring an agent back with some proposed dates for an interview and decide on a firm date between us, email a sponsor about coming to see the boys about a clothing line and politely decline the least appealing invites for the next few nights, I compile a list of the decent ones for tonight, print it and throw it over to him in a paper airplane and tell him to choose one for them.  
'See it is fun in your room, you make planes and everything.'

He looks down the list, closes his eyes and points to one opens his eyes and says Madame JoJo's.  
He then jumps up and says 'I wanna go shopping.'  
Oh jesus, 'Have you been on the red bull?' I eye him suspiciously.  
'Nope, come on, lets go.'  
'Whoa whoa I can't go, you'll have to go with Pete if you wanna go.'  
He frowns, 'I wanna go with you.'  
I shake my head, 'its not going to happen Lou, Pete will wanna go, he is your security after all and there is no way Cal will let me go out shopping when there's stuff to do.'  
'But you've been working since we got here, let him do some.'

And with that he picks his phone up, calls Cal and insists that I be his protection and take him shopping.  
Under much duress, Cal agrees.  
I quickly dress, he puts a beanie on to try and disguise himself and off we go to Westfield in Shepherds bush.

He wants to head to Urban outfitters first, he stocks up on t shirts for the tour, keeps asking my opinion, asks me to chose some for him, he holds up a turquiose one  
'This colour suit me?' He asks.  
'It does mate, matches your eyes.' He flutters his eyelashes at me and grins.

Then to Calvin Klein for his knickers, again I am asked opinion, I chose the smallest boxers, tiny they are, love them, chose him some funky colours as well.  
'Red? seriously Styles?'  
'Absolutely 100% red, Tomlinson.' he grins and buys a few.  
'I might model them later for you if you're lucky.'  
I feel my cheeks burn, my stomach flipping.

We then go to starbucks, have a drink, he is spotted here for the first time and is asked for a picture, he obliges and then raises his eyes to me for us to go.  
We keep shopping, he goes in Burberry, I love it in here but its quite a bit out of my price range, he browses the shirts, sees one he loves, its black with white hearts on it.  
'What do you think?' he holds it up.  
'Oh its gorgeous Lou.'  
'You think?'  
'Yep totally, are you getting it.'  
'Yeah I think I might just do that.'

He goes and pays and looks pleased with his purchase.

We pass another store which is within my price range and I spot a lovely shirt, it is white and quite sheer, it has fine stripes on it that are a bit sheer and see through, I love it and ask him if I can go in and buy it.  
'Sure of course.' he smiles.  
We go in and they have my size, I go and try it on  
'Come and show me.' he says,  
I pop my head round and nod him over, his face drops.  
'Whats up, is it horrible?'  
He stares at me 'No.' he whispers, buy it.

He sees some he likes, a pale blue fitted one and a black one, he buys them both.  
Lastly he goes to his favourite jeans shop and stocks up on black and blue jeans, he sees some cut off's that he loves and buys those too, I spot some cool skinny black jeans and buy them, arms full of bags we think we are done, Cal has already phoned us 4 times so we think we had better go, he sends a car for us and we ride the few minutes back to the hotel.

The others are sat in the bar chilling out, we join them and order drinks, they try and rifle in our bags but Louis won't let them.  
We tell them the best offer for tonight was Madame JoJo's in SoHo, we debate Wagamamas or Nobu and Wagamamas wins, its almost 7pm so we go and get ready, I phone the restaurant and ask for us a table, quick shower and dress in my new white shirt and black jeans, they are a bit snug but look good, I leave lots of buttons open, lots of aftershave and I think I'm ready.

I have butterflies going on, I have not let my mind think about what happened in the middle of the night and certainly Louis hasn't mentioned it so far.  
We meet up in the bar, Louis is there in his new black shirt, it looks so cool on him, fits like a glove, shows his gorgeous body off so well, he wears the black jeans with it, nice and snug on that bum, not that I'm looking of course but my heart is skipping beats over him.

He comes up to me, 'that fucking shirt.' he whispers shaking his head.  
We have some shots in the bar and then the cars arrive for us.  
We have such a great time at dinner, everyone is in high spirits, the cars come to take us to the club, we all jump in, Louis squashes in next to me, he slides his arm round the back of the car seat fingers stroking my shoulder and then dives down and whispers in my ear.  
'Don't think I've forgotten the unfinished business Styles.'

Oh shit, I shiver as his hot breath hits my ear, feel the heat spread across my chest, he's staring into my eyes now, as the street lights speed past he keeps going into the shadow and light, he's turned sideways towards me, his other hand slides onto my thigh, its like an electric current, throbbing in my belly and groin, he was inches away from my ever growing, rather uncomfortable cock, I have to shift as its getting strangled in my rather tight jeans, I knock his thigh with mine, he presses hard with his, he knows exactly what he is doing, never taking his eyes off me, I try to look away but he just inches his hand up nearer, I spin my head round to him, eyes wide, the heat on my thigh from his hand burning, he lifts it up, pretends to be pulling at an imaginary crumb on my shirt but really his hand has just brushed my groin, sharp intake of breath as he grazes past, trailing his fingers up, the briefest of contact but enough, oh enough, he brushes at my shirt, fingers trailing past my nipples, oh you bastard Tommo, you utter torturous bastard, foreplay at its very best, strung out over hours and now days, the anticipation killing me, knowing exactly how this is going to end,

Thankfully the journey doesn't take long, we pile out of the car, me trying to hunch over a bit to hide the bulge, thankfully the club is dark.

We are on a raised part at the back of the club, we have our own hostess who brings us all what we need. The entertainment is about to start, Its very classic burlesque, a beautuful young lady comes on stage and tastefully and erotically takes her clothes off.

I of course can't concentrate because my whole body is buzzing with adrenaline from him. Of course he sits next to me, pressed up to my side. I inch away from him and he just slowly fills the gap, I give up, hit the vodka. The music starts now the burlesque has finished, Niall wants to go and meet the her and disappears with the hostess hoping to get backstage.

A song comes on that I love, Liam too, we have been playing it loads on the bus its a huge funky dance number and as soon at it starts we look at each other and jump up, hit the dancefloor, Zayn and Louis sat laughing at us, we don't care, we go for it. Two girls come and dance with us, we turn into two smooth dudes, dancing with these girls, having a blast and those two shits laughing at us. I see Liam glance over at Zayn and pull a face at him, I glance at Louis, give him a big toothy grin he rolls his eyes at me.

We end up going and dragging those two on the dancefloor, have a brilliant night, the music is so good, we dance and drink and laugh a lot, Niall reappears after a while, massive grin on his face and a new phone number in his phone.

Louis grabs me 'don't be planning on getting any sleep tonight will you?'

My heart pounds in my chest 'why what you got planned?' I whisper in his ear.

'Everything.' he mouths to me.

I stare at him for what feels like a lifetime, legs like jelly, chest thumping, powerless to resist. God damn him!

For the rest of the night we speak via our eyes, hungry lustful looks, killing me wanting him so much.

He spots me checking my watch and grins and nods, 'me too, me too.' he mouths.

Soon everyone is winding down, Pete sends for the cars, I am beyond excited, the anticipation tangible.

We travel back to the hotel, London by night, there's no place like it, vibrant and vital, racing past my window and all I can think about is the crackling air in this car, the tightness in my belly, the almost fear of what I was about to let happen, that it was wrong, so wrong, I could get fired but my whole focus is this man, this utterly all consuming man sat next to me, overloading every sense that I have.

Niall is chattering away, telling Pete all about Mia, the Burlesque girl, he's a smitten kitten that's for sure, my brain won't let me take in what he is saying so I just look and nod now and again but really have no idea what he is saying.

We pull up, the doorman comes and opens our door.

Pete waits for Liam and Zayns car.

'Nightcap?' Niall asks.

I glance at Louis, see the slightest of head shakes 'No, not for me Nialler, I'm knackered, off to hit the sack I think.'

'Ok bud.' he hugs me in tight.

'Lou?'

He yawns and shakes his head 'Mashed already mate, I'm off up too.'

The bar is still busy and a footballer catches NIall's eye and he waves us off and runs over to him.

Louis widens his eyes 'get in that fucking lift before anyone else has any bright ideas for us.'

We scoot in and press before anyone else gets in.

I raise my eyes to the security camera in the lift just incase he was thinking anything, he sighs and grins.

Soon up, we come out on our floor, 'mine or yours?' he ponders 'You are less likey to be disturbed.' I say.

That sorted he grabs my arm and races me down the corridor. Keycard in and at last the door closed, he pins me up against it. 'I've been waiting all night to do this.' and his mouth descends on mine, soft at first, slow sensual, tasting, beautiful, my sigh is all he needs to invade with is tongue, his hands sliding down my sides, stopping at my hips, his fingers circling my hipbones, his touch igniting me.

I pull him in, hands down his back, onto his arse, such a curve, I pull him in harder, need to feel his heat growing, he groans, kisses becoming more urgent, needy. I ease him backwards, walking him to the bed, stop him just short and pull away, eyes never leaving him I start to undo his shirt, fumbling with the buttons, fingers grazing as I push it off his shoulders, he reciprocates, buttons open but as he takes it off he brushes my nipples, it throbs so hard in my groin, I catch my breath.

'Such gorgeous nipples Harry, made for this.' and his mouth comes down, licking and sucking, teeth nibbling, just this side of pleasure but with a very definite hint of pain, intense and erotic.

'I've been fantasising about this for days, I wanted to fuck you on that bus, you awaken feelings in me I never knew existed, a new level of desire.'

'You are going to fuck me tonight.' I tell him, sucking hard at his shoulder, he gasps, 'harder.' he begs, I bite him lightly, lick the purple patch with my tongue, cooling the skin by blowing on it, his body shakes.

My hand goes to his jeans, undo the button, zip down, he does the same, eyes never leaving mine. He sits on the bed and slowly peels them down, boxers too, my erection springs free, he looks up at me, smiles and pulls me down on the bed, kissing, I roll him over, kneel up and yank his jeans down, he has the red boxers on, the ones I chose.

'MIne,' I whisper.

Fingering the waistband, 'I told you red didn't I? and whip them off so I can see him.

I look down at him, so perfect, his skin flawless, lightly tanned, defined body, with the added bonus of curves, I'm staring, I realise that, he's watching me.

'Harry?' He questions, maybe feeling vulnerable at my scrutiny.

'Perfect.' I whisper. 'You are the work of the gods Louis Tomlinson.' He groans and pulls me down and never lets me go all night. He wanted me so badly, begged me to show him, scared he would hurt me I had to reassure him, take it slowly and he was so tender so steady, shaking as he owned me and blew my mind as I encouraged him that I was fine and he found his pace swooping down and grinding his hips, deep and powerful, watching me fall apart, kissing his encouragement as he hit my spot and made my body shake so badly, he was absolutely amazing, just seeing him, face aglow, his body shuddering with passion is so erotic, saying my name as he orgasms so hard and as he lays there after, in my arms, looking into my eyes, whispering sweet words whilst feathering kisses on my tingling mouth I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else but here, with him.

We both fall asleep in each others arms, morning already broken a long time before, too exhausted to move, not wanting to go back to my own bed just yet I allow myself the luxury of sleeping right here for a while and when he wakes up, wanting more, who am I to refuse, he wants me, the anticipation making him shake, I take my time, tasting every inch of his body, watching his body respond to me, needing me, begging me, I fuse my body with his, feel the sweat on my face and my body shake as he cries out for me, wrapping his legs round my waist, clinging to me, pulling me in and rocking with me, pupils blown as I get it right, pound him, his face so beautifully fucked, rosy and damp and my turn to gasp his name as I come so hard, so powerful.

Later I stand under my shower, barely able to touch myself as I wash, sensory overload in full swing, I think about him, how he makes me feel and how this is all going to play out and feel pretty scared, I am breaking all the rules and hate myself for being so weak but jesus, he is stunning and I just cannot resist him.

Lobby call is 2pm to go to KoKo, this is being filmed for a Summer in the city music special so extra sound checks and camera placements are needed.

I catch up on some work, answer emails and check in with Cal and then at 1pm I start to rouse the guys, make sure they are all ok. I text them all and they all reply, Niall is dying in bed, Zayn and Liam are chillin in Zayns room and Louis, well he replies with

'I'm fine, up and about I'll be down at 2'

I finish off the guest list for today and go over some other meetings for later in the week, finish up and get dressed.

Zayn and Liam are ready and waiting, I knock for Louis, he opens the door 'Ok Lou?' and I immediately get a vibe, he is cool and sharp with me.

'I said I was ok, see you downstairs at 2 Harry.'

I just nod and walk away, but feel like I have been smacked in the stomach, 12 hours ago we were racing back to spend the night together and now he can barely look at me.

I busy myself getting the cars sorted and he just goes staight out gets in the first car, I hang about and get in the next one, hoping he is just tired and moody.

The director of the shoot has a meeting with the team, we get a schedule and they go off to soundcheck.

I let him be, give him some space and throw myself into work, setting up my little office in a corner and answering the never ending emails but my mind is just full of him, whats changed? Why is he so cool?

The guys want to order in Nando's for dinner, I ask Niall to get their orders so I don't have to speak to him and then we ring and arrange delivery.

I go for a wander around the beautiful building, little balconies upstairs so ornate.

Sit on one and try and clear my head, last night was perfect so what the hell is going through his mind?

Is he scared we have gone too far, is he confused with the whole 'what am I?' thing he has going on? Is he going to have a crisis if we have sex again? is this just his reaction to it? or is this it, has he thought enough is enough?

I have no idea to the answers of any of these questions so I have to push it to the back of my mind and get on with my job.

They have been invited to a private party at Whisky Mist, the daughter of a superstar is having her 21st birthday there and they are on the guest list if they want it, I haven't told them just yet, will tell them at dinner.

Niall comes out on stage 'Harrrrryyyyyyy foooooooooods herrrrrrre.'

I stand up and shout to him 'I'm coming Nialler.'

I go down to the dressing rooms, the food is being dished out by Xander, I see mine and take it through to the other room and sit with the crew and try and eat, can hear them all in the other room discussing the setlist and what to wear.

I only pick at my food and then wander back through to the others, Louis eyes my from his seat.

'Umm guys, not sure if you're interested but you've been invited to a private party at Whisky mist, Lola Lee turns 21 and daddy is hosting a huge party for her.'

'Not bothered Haz, do we have to RSVP now or can we just turn up?' Liam asks.

'Think we need to RSVP at some point so you are on the list for security but suppose we can hold off a while.'

'It will be full of jumped up little rich girls, it will either be shite or the best night ever, lets do it.' Louis states.

I leave them to discuss it and wander back to where I was working, plough through more emails and have a quick chat with my Mum, feel like I need a friendly voice to talk to, she immediately senses my sadness and her concern makes me teary.

'You ok darling, you feeling down?'

I blame Ben, tell her about seeing him and it how it made me take 5 steps back into the sadness phase, I don't mention Louis I mean where do I even start?

She talks to me, her calming voice and soothing words working wonders.

'I don't know what I'd do without you.' I sob.

'I'm always here sweetheart, anytime you need a chat, call me day or night.'

'I will, Love you so much.'

'Love you too Harry.'

I click off and realise someone is there behind me, I turn and see Louis shuffling about.

'Umm we have decided to go to Lola's party, can you RSVP for us?'

His eyes looking concerned at me, I just nod and move over to the laptop to reply for them.

'You ok?' he questions.

'Fine.' I sniff.

I am in no mood for his flakiness, he isn't going to treat me like I am something he stepped in so he can piss off and leave me alone.

He looks like he is going to say more, doesn't, turns and leaves me alone.

I respond to the email and drop my head to the table, I am such a fucking idiot, no more though, no more, I am going to do the best job I can and keep my head down and just get through this summer.

I finish off and go and help get them ready, game face on and off we go.

They are a bit nervous for the cameras and Liam has a bit of a meltdown and ends up in a bit of a panic, Zayn and I talk him down, take him into an empty dressing room and let him clear his head and get him sorted, I leave them in the room and go and make sure everyone else is ok, I pop back and they are cuddling, they realise I am there and jump away, I walk in and close the door.

'Look guys its really none of my business and I absolutely won't say another word about this but you two are wonderful together, I love you both and have your backs.'

I smile at them and walk out, I just want them to know that I fully support them and that they can relax around me.

Niall is hyper, Louis is plugged into his music in the corner, I go and talk to the floor manager of the production team and get some last minute instructions from him.

'Ok they are letting the audience in at 5.30 once they are happy with the camera placements we will go on at about 6.30pm, full song runthroughs but you can stop inbetween if you like, give it a good few seconds at the end of each song and if you need a break you can, the audience will be prepped that there might be stop gaps but if you feel you can, a full setlist runthrough in gig conditions always comes out best they say but it is entirely up to you.'

They all nod, taking it all in.

The gig goes amazingly well, no stopping, straight run through, all on top form, Liam's nerves melted away as soon as he started playing, Louis was on fire, his voice sounding amazing, Zayn was made for the camera, was watching the cuts and he just looked stunning and Niall stole the show, was such a performer.

They were super hyper when they came off stage, absolutely pumped up and full of adrenaline.

The director came backstage, was so pleased with how it had all gone, told us he would be in touch as soon as they had a date to air the finished programme.

They all go shower, I go and pack my office up and go check with Pete about the cars.

Niall is first out, dressed and Xander grabs him and dries his hair quickly.

One by one they are getting sorted and ready to keep on partying, the music is thumping out and they are all completely buzzed.

At last they're all ready, we send for the cars and get them all on their way.

Once Louis has left I grab Cal who is going in the next car with Liam and Zayn 'I have a migraine Cal, I really need to go back and sort my head out.'

He nods, him and Pete are fine without me and he leaves me to jump in a cab back to K West.

I have a quick shower, turn my phone off and jump into bed and fall asleep quickly, dreaming of rich girls at birthday parties with very few clothes on kissing Louis on the mouth. Damn!

I wake up for a pee and dare to turn my phone on, I know I am looking for text from him, want him to have missed me, want him to have noticed I wasn't there.

I pad back from the bathroom and see a stack of text from him, my belly lurches.

10.45pm You really got a migraine?

11.30pm You would have loved the people watching in here, missing you.

11.45pm Sorry x

1.30am Its juts am only me a fool its not ok is it?

Oh fuck he's pissed.

1.34am Who you love?

Oh fuck, he's really pissed

1.37 get a cab to here cos I wanna dance with you shes got too much lipstick on its not nice.

2.04am a man in a cake not Harry though.

2.16am You didnt come

Shit.

3.45am I'm sorry, I am a dick, I hate myself, I ruthlessly sleep with you and then push you away, I do this because I hate myself, hate that I have abused your friendship, hate that when you aren't here I miss you so much, miss your smile, miss your company, miss your crap dancing, your ability to pull the weirdest person in the room, I miss you. I promise not to be a dick to you ever again and please ignore most of those texts, champagne does weird things to me. Hope you have your phone turned off or else I am guessing you will be hitch hiking back to Holmes Chapel right about now.

3.51am Oh and when I said who you love? I overheard you on the phone, say you loved someone, I was a bit jealous, ignore me, none of my business x

3.53am Night Haz, hope your migraine is better xx See you at 7am for Grimmy, jesus christ!

I throw the phone down, he is horrible to me because he hates himself? Shit I can't even go there at the moment, too confusing, too complicated. We keep it friends only now, no sex, its making us both unhappy, I can't have him hating himself for sleeping with me and I can't cope with his feelings afterwards, too much of a head fuck, never meant to be but I can't help thinking how utterly perfect we are when we're together.

I sleep on and off until my alarm goes off at 6.30am, I send out texts get ready quickly and out for lobby call at 7am. Radio One are providing breakfast for them. I give each one a knock, make sure they are all ok, Niall looks like death, I give him 2 paracetamols and tell him to just lie down for 10 more minutes, I knock for Liam and he pulls me into his room, Zayn is sat there on his bed chewing his nails looking all sheepish.

'Haz, Hi, umm about yesterday, I umm we don't wanna umm look the truth is yes you are right we are together but we know we can never go public with this and we don't wanna piss Cal off or anyone be weird round us so please if you would keep it to yourself that'd be great' He rushes this huge speech out, clearly been rehearsing it and was nervous as hell.

I look at Zayn, he's nodding his head at Liam but can't quite make eye contact with me.

'Guys, its your call, I just want you to be comfortable around me, I am going to be in and out of your rooms and its pretty obvious when you are always in one room.' I state.

'I think a few people will have picked up on your closeness but its totally your call, but I am here for you, please feel free to come and talk to me, anytime.'

Liam strides over and hugs me 'Love you Harry, knew you would be cool about this.'

If only they knew the secrets I was harbouring!

Nerves hit as I approach his door, gentle tap and he opens it, looking pale and tired, damp hair, hoody and sweats, I want to gather him up in my arms and never let him go, but I can't.

'Ok?' I question.

'I've been better.' he groans.

His eyes meeting mine, sadness, sorrowful?

'Come on mate, bacon butties are waiting for us.' I am all smiles and show no animosity.

'Can I offer you any of my magic paracetamols?'

He nods, holds his hand out and I follow him back into his room, fill his glass up with water and make him drink.

'Thanks Haz.'

I nod, 'S'ok'

'Sorry for the drunk texting, not sorry for the other texting.' He mutters.

'Look forget it, lets just get on and crack these summer festivals.' I smile, knowing the smile doesn't quite reach my eyes but hoping he can't see that.

The guys do so well on Grimmy, lots of great banter and laughter, they trend world wide on Twitter and the listeners tweet questions in for them and Grimmy plays their songs, all great publicity for them. They were all papped at the party last night and there is a lot of talk about that, they stay on longer than they were supposed to but no one complains.

They all crash back to the hotel and aren't seen again for hours, I stay in my room sorting out everything for the Isle of Wight festival tomorrow, I can't wait to go but I'm a bit nervous thinking Ben will most probably be there, I can't even begin to think about my feelings for him when I have all this with Louis churning round my head. Why do I fuck up so badly every single time?

Tonight we are just going out for dinner and a few drinks back at the bar because we are on the 7am ferry to the Isle of Wight so bus call is 4am so I book us in at China Tang in the Dorchester, feel like dressing up a bit tonight, something a bit posh, wonder if it will be a late night and begin to pack up ready to leave in the early hours.

I text them all the reservation details, tell them to wear a jacket and tell them to buzz me if they need me.

Theres a tap on the door and Louis is stood there, a small box tied with ribbon in his hand and a sorrowful look on his face.

'Can I come in, I have cupcakes.' he smiles.

'Sure, come on.'

He sits down on the bed and I put the kettle on, mess about for as long as I can so my nerves can calm themselves.

'You slept well today?' I ramble on making small talk.

'Yeah I did thanks, needed it, not had that many hours kip these last few days.' he chatters.

I carry the tea over and he opens the box and offers me a fluffy pink cupcake.

I grin.

'Sugar rush, just what I need because I am regretting not sleeping today.' I confess.

He knits his brows together 'You sure you're ok Haz?'

I dare to look him in the eye, try and read exactly what he means by that, is it just a gereral enquiry or does he mean us? The mess that is us and our turbulant existance with each other.

'Louis I am totally fine.' I state steadily.

He sighs, 'I've been a complete bastard.'

'Louis its..'

'No, please let me finish Haz...'

I nod, keep his gaze.

'I am so sorry for how I treated you, my own insecurites choke me sometimes.' he shakes his head.

'I am a twat, an absolute fucking idiot.' He looks away, hooded eyes.

'When I'm with you, its like nothing I have ever felt before,' he raises his eyes, searching my face.

'But the minute you go, the minute I am left with my thoughts, the self loathing starts, the questions, the why's, the soul searching..'

I reach for him, touch his arm, encourage him to keep talking.

'I just don't know..' his voice tails off.

'Louis, its supposed to be fun, its no good if its making you feel like this.'

I sigh 'We forget it from here, just draw a line, forget..'

'No, no please Harry, thats not what I want at all.' He reaches forward, holds my hands.

'I want us to continue...' he whispers.

'Just keep me in check, don't let me slip into the mood, kick my arse if I need it.'

'Louis, I can't be..'

'Please Haz, please.'

He leans forward, brushes my lips, pulls back, looks into my eyes.

'We are good.' his voice no more than a whisper.

'I don't expect anything from you.' I whisper against his lips.

He crashes against me pushed my body to the bed, lips melting together, tongues exploring, we are good together.

I grasp his face, pull his lips from mine.

'If you hate me the next day once more, we walk away from this Louis ok?'

'Ok.' he promises.

'But I won't.'

We spend the next part of the afternoon just kissing and holding each other, talking, touching, cuddling, its lovely, just the closeness.

I make him go and get ready for the night, he kisses me before he goes.

'You kiss so good Styles.' his voice thick.

'Ditto Tomlinson.' I rain kisses along his jaw.

Now go get ready, see you in the bar for a drink.

I push him out gently and close the door smiling, glad we have cleared the air, hoping we can just get on with things now.

I have been brave and decide to wear the shirt I was unsure of, the black sheer see through one, paired with my new skinnies and black boots, a black blazer finished the look.

We meet in the bar, I down a JD and coke, feeling the burn of the liquor and watch Louis walk out of the lifts, white shirt, black skinnies rolled up, brogues on his feet, hair in a quiff, grey blazer, he looks so handsome, feel a knot in my stomach.

Niall flies out of the lift next, looking smart, Zayn and Liam close behind, Zayn hanging back for Liam when he stops to answer his phone, such cuties the pair of them.

The cars arrive and we pile in, the restaurant is beautiful, it serves the best cantonese food and we all stuff ourselves with this amazing meal.

Louis gets a message from his friend James Corden who is having a wrap party at Mahiki and invites us all.

'Lets go, fuck early nights, we can just sleep on the buses tomorrow, lets go.' He grins.

Once again we are out on the town, the drinks flowing and the company so good.

We people watch, decide who is with who, who is shagging, who wishes they were. We critique the clothes, hair and makeup, some good, so have clearly left the house without looking in a mirror.

I pull, a girl with huge teeth and hair extensions and knee socks on, she is more like a cheerleader and I feel 17.

'Wanna dance.' She grins, lipstick all over her front teeth.

'Yeah he'd does love.' Louis quips, pushing me up to go dance with her, I turn to him and mouth,

'I'll get you for this later.'

He raises his eyebrows and holds his glass up in a cheers to me.

I get hot, take my jacket off, fling it at him, 'I can see your nipples Styles, that shirt is obscene.' he whispers to me when I finally escape the dancing. I grin 'Had to wait til I was so boiling hot before I dare take my jacket off.' I confess 'Its not one of my better clothing choices.' I sigh.

'You have got to be kidding.' he mocks and drops his eyes to his bulging zip area.'

'Whoa, hello there.' I wink.

The night is such fun, we find ourselves in cars going back to the hotel at 2am, off to try and sleep and pack in time for bus call in 3 short hours.

'Stay with me.' He whispers in the car.

Damn.

Devil and angel on each shoulder, temptation verses common sense, alcohol of course drags me over to the dark side, temptation all the way means me in his bed, again, mind and body blown again by this man.

We manage a powernap before the ridiculous bus call, cases dragged down and we just fall straight back into our bunks and sleep until we are on the Isle of Wight.

Two big things dominate today, will Ben be here, I am certain he will be, this time last year I was on the festival circuit with him, watching the bands they had signed, seeing how they were received in the mud and the rain and the fleeting sunshine and he loved it, went to as many of the festivals as he could and If he was at all bothered, he could look up the line ups and see where 17 black were playing or was I just getting ahead of myself now?

And the next and most exciting thing was The Killers were headlining so we could go and see one of mine and Louis' favourite bands play.

Perks of the job!

It was a weird set up here, the dressing rooms were a local hotel which was fully booked out by the festival, then we could be shuttled in and out as needed, we had the buses to chill out on so thats how we spent the day, I was quite pleased as no chance of bumping into Ben.

The guys played on the X Box and chilled out and then went into the hotel to get ready, a steady stream of showers, hair and dressed and then shuttled us up to the site a couple of hours before stage time.The weather was holding out for us and we pop over to watch Bastille on main stage absolutely killing it.

Just before they finish we go to the holding area to prepare, there is a 30 min stage change over time so they sit and chill and have a beer. We are mid conversation when I feel Louis look over my shoulder and see his eyes widen and he looks at me just as I feel hands on my shoulders and know instantly who it is, Ben.

I jump up, turn and face him, he is cautiously smiling at me.

'Harry, thought I'd bump into you here, how are you?'

'M..fine thanks.'

He looks at the guys, 'Can I borrow him five minutes, won't keep him any longer.'

I hear Louis grumble but obviously the other guys have no idea and are all fine about it.

I have to walk off with him, glancing over my shoulder at Louis' annoyed face, shrug my shoulders and keep walking.

He walks me over to their trailer, opens the door.

'I'm ok here.' I mutter, not wanting to be in the confines with him.

He nods, 'whatever Harry, I just need to talk to you, please just hear me out.'

I nod 'Please be quick, they are on stage very soon.'

He nods, takes a step closer, 'You sure you wont come in?'

I nod, 'Sure.'

He coughs, looks nervous, 'Harry, I can never ever make it up to you for how things ended up, but I really need you to know, I wasn't..it wasn't just a fling to me.' He looks round nervously.

'But I know I fucked up and I don't expect anything more from you personally, sadly, but Harry..' He looks at me pleading, 'you were my protégé, I saw so much in you, you were a natural at the label, you just have a way with people, know the job inside out, everyone loves you and my plans for you still stand.' he swallows hard.

'I don't think I could stand to see you every day.' He smiles sadly.

'But I don't want to lose your talent, your skill, your charm so I want to offer you a position at IDJ in New York..'

I zone out, shocked, hear a salary quoted that is double what I am getting now, something about me being an A&R executive, signing new music, scouting them out, having artistic interest in any new signings, all too much for me to take in, he is talking fast trying to get his well rehearsed speech to me, he can see my head is spinning, knows this is my weakness, standing in tiny dive bars, listening to new music, hearing their potential. FUCK! We did this all the time in London, watching unsigned acts in Camden and Hackney, watching the crowd, having a feeling for a band that had good chemistry, feeling the music, the excitement when all boxes were ticked and something speical had been dicovered and then the whole thrill of approaching them, having talks and signing them.

I look at him, can feel I am floored, know I will look utterly done.

'Ben I umm I can't even..' He interupts 'Harry, its lots to take in, I don't expect any kind of answer from you today, all I need you to say is that you will think about it.'

'HARRRYYYYYYYY.' Niall is shouting me.

I spin round, realise where I am and where I should be.

I look at him.

Confusion reigning, he slips me his card again, 'If you want to talk to me, please, anytime.' he smiles.

I nod, 'I umm need to go..'

He grabs my shoulder, 'please Harry, its a chance of a lifetime, Island DEF JAM would love to work with you, I can sort out accommodation for you and help with whatever you need, just please, we don't want to lose you, give us a chance..'

I nod, pocket the card and walk away.

Louis is stood watching from afar, sees my face.

'What the fuck, you ok?' I nod weakly.

'Do I need to go over there and punch his fucking face in?'

'No please, its umm its ok Lou, really, I'll explain later, I umm, its ok really..'

He nods, 'You don't look ok but umm If you're sure..?'

'I am.' I force a smile, all the while my brain is mashed, fingers touching the card in my pocket.

Need to focus, get this band on stage, Louis is watching me with narrowed eyes, we get the 5 minute warning, go to the bottom of the steps, they get a huddle, pep talk, hands in, motto screamed and up they go on stage.

I go and sit on an equipment box, I take the card out, his email address and his mobile number again on the card and a short.

'Please Harry, give us a chance, keep in touch.'

The band rock the stage, the atmosphere is electric, the crowd going wild, so much energy.

The time zips by, me mostly in a world of my own, trying to take in what he said and what I have to decide, can little old me do this? Move to New York and work at one of the biggest record labels in the world? My belly flips, excitement, fear and nerves.

They come off stage, back to the buses, change into hoodies and jeans and head back for The Killers set.

Louis wants to go in the crowd, jump and sing along with the other fans. We make our way down, beanies and hoods up disguising his identity, its dark and that unmistakable festival smell of mud and beer and smoke, I grab us a drink at one of the tents and start to enter the crowd at main stage, go down the edge and then sideways into the crowd, get a decent spot and soon its time. They walk on to lights up and open with their massive hit Mr Brightside, not something bands normally do, opening with such a huge hit but they do and it works, we jump and sing like maniacs, the crowd going wild, surge forward, we are crushed together, sweaty bodies jumping and screaming, we hang onto each other so we aren't separated.

_'Jealousy turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies choking on your alibis, but its just the price I pay, destiny is calling me open up my eager eyes, cos I'm Mr Brightside.'_

He leans into me, can feel his hard body pressed into mine, just his presence, him there, so hot so vibrant, the adrenaline is pumping, such a high when I am wish him.

The set is amazing, Louis is in awe of them, he loves them so much jumping and singing along to all their massive songs, I grab him in for 'Smile like you mean it.' hands in the air singing along.

The last song strikes up, 'when you were young' its immense, pyro and confetti and the crowd going wild, perfect end to a perfect set, they nailed the headlining spot.

'I wanna do that someday.' Louis chatters on the way back to the bus, 'headline a main stage festival.'

'You will, look how far you've come Lou, you have done so well, all these offers are high billing slots, thats a massive leap from last year.'

He nods.

We get back to bus1 and sign back in, most are back, just Niall is missing but bus call isn't for another 30 minutes and eventually he turns up, huge grin on his face and very definite sex hair going on.

Liam and Zayn go on bus2 they are shattered and just wanna sleep, Niall Louis and I join Xander in the back lounge of 1 and put a film on, pull the sleeper out and all get settled.

'I still need to talk to you about that Ben bloke don't I?' Louis whispers.

'Yeah, we'll talk tomorrow.' I nod, he squeezes my thigh under the blanket.

Its not long before I feel my eyes so heavy and fall asleep, I am vaguely aware of being on the ferry, the drone of the engine and the rocking motion but feel too exhausted to move. I next wake and feel arms around me, he's spooning me in, asleep himself, it feels nice, I stay where I am.

I am woken the next morning by Louis with a cup of tea for me.

'Morning lazy bones.' he chirps.

'You're lively this morning what's up with you?' I joke.

'I slept reeeeallly well.' he drawls, 'nice sleeping companion.' he whispers.

I can't help but grin.

We are on our way to Dover to catch yet another ferry for the continent this time, heading to Pink pop festival in the Netherlands.

I take my tea downstairs and set up office in the kitchen, check my emails and deal with the urgent stuff, Louis sat with me keeping me company, Xander and Niall upstairs playing a FIFA tournament, shouting a lot and swearing even more!

'So you wanna tell me about Ben?'

Oh shit.

'Umm you sure you can be arsed with my tales?' I ask.

'Yeah I wanna know if its ok?'

I sigh 'Ok, well, he offered me a job.' He eyes widen and then narrow suspiciously.

'What as his personal assistant by any chance?'

'Nope, I thought that but umm he offered me a place at IDJ in New York, said he invested a lot in me and doesn't want to lose the training and experience he gave me, he said he would have liked to have worked with me but realises that wont work now so if I want it, there is a job with tempting salary and he said he could even let me have somewhere to live.'

He nods 'and what are you going to do Harry?' I shrug my shoulders 'I have absolutely no idea Louis.'

'How long is your contract with this lot?'

'Its a rolling 3 monthly contract so end of August, right after Reading and Leeds fest I would finish.'

'You tempted to go?'

I nod, bite my lip 'Its like a dream job, fantastic money, living in New York..'

He smiles, 'you'll be on your own though Haz.'

I nod 'thats the only thing, can I do this, on my own?'

He puts his hand over my hand, 'If ever you wanna chat you know where I am.'

He gets up and goes and joins the noisy boys upstairs.

'You'll be on your own.' rings through my head.

I click open a new email.

'I have a three month contract until the end of August, I don't think you will be prepared to wait that long for me so thanks for the offer but it has to be no, Harry.'

I read over it several times before I hit send.

He replies within minutes.

'Thanks so much for even considering the offer Harry and the time frame makes absolutely no difference I want you at IDJ, if you take the offer, you can have September as paid leave to sort out your move and we can say work starts 1st October, how would that sound?'

Holy shit.

I don't reply, my mind in a whirl.

I keep on with work stuff, running times for tonight and a radio interview for a night time Amsterdam radio station to organise when another email from Ben pops up.

'Hope you give me a chance and read this, I have been desparate to contact you, couldn't believe my luck when I spotted you at the awards, I have spotted you so many times since you left and then been so disappointed when It wasn't you that I had to pinch myself when really it was you that night.

Your hair has grown so long, you looked so handsome in your tux. I never stopped thinking about you Harry, never.

I was broken hearted when you left, Sadie knew, she realised, it could only have been you I was crying over, she was quite good actually, spent some time at home just so I wasn't going home to an empty house.

Mum and dad are good, dad is still heavily involved in the charity work he was doing and Sadies dad is involved too now that he has retired! Happy families eh?!?!?

I'll never forget you H and never ever ever regret us, ever.

Hope you are happy and healthy, please take the job

B xxx'

I lay my head on the table and the tears spring.

I don't hear Louis come down, I just feel a hand on my shoulder, thumb stroking, he bends over and kisses the back of my neck.

'You ok?'

I point to the screen and he reads it.

'Oh..' deep sigh.

'He's full on I'll give him that, you feel sorry for him now and so feel like you have to accept the job, yeah?'

I nod.

'And then he will work from New York, get back into your bed, still be with the wife and you will be back to square one.'

I close my eyes, know he is talking perfect sense but..dunno..

'Its nice to feel wanted I guess..' I state shakily, voice ruined with crying.

'Lots of people want you and need you and rely on you Harry.'

I shake my head 'You're wrong, I am easily replaced, there are dozens of LIPA students with first class degrees that can come and step into my shoes, he actually wants me, ME, I should be dancing round the room.'

'Its your life, your decision but think carefully, don't reply yet, ignore him now, let him wait for a reply.'

I nod, he pulls me up, no one is around and he kisses me, soft and wonderful, I sigh against his mouth and he kisses me deeper, tongue invading, sweeping in, so good.

I pull back, breathless, put my forehead on his, his lips swoop down and kiss my neck, fuck, this man has the ability to turn me on so easily, but at this moment in time I need to feel wanted and needed and this is doing the trick, I was such a mess for such a long time after Ben and I couldn't even hate him, he is such a lovely person, just hasn't got the balls to sort his terrible situation out, needing to please people, we are two peas in a pod, maybe we were made for each other.

Louis grabs my hand and pulls me into the storage room, its full of suitcases and all our junk, back against the door his hand is in my sweatpants, hand around my erection and he's sliding away, I reciprocate, can still hear Niall and Xander screaming at the X Box above us whilst we frantically mutually orgasm, lips clamped together to stop us screaming out, so scary but so fucking hot, the fear of being caught adding to the thrill. Spontaneous Louis! He kisses me, so deep so hot, he really is the best kisser ever.

We clean up and dare to come out, still no one is in the kitchen, he grins at me.

'Needed that curly.'

'Mmm me too.' my voice even more wrecked now.

'Happy to oblige.'

We arrive at the festival, its early afternoon and we spend the time in the hospitality tent, eating a very nice lunch and the guys have a couple of beers in the sun.

I go and watch The Vaccines set, Louis and Niall come with me, its manic, so good, the crowd was so loud. Its put them in a great mood, all pumped up for their own set.

'Hazza, have some passes for me and Tommo t'night I wanna pull so bad, bet you do doncha Lou?'

'Umm yeah yeah, have some passes for us Harry.' Louis chirps along with Niall, can't meet my eyes but he has to keep up to his image doesn't he? Tommo the ladykiller is getting his kicks from me now but no one can know that so he'll play the game but does he want to pull a woman tonight? Maybe he does but that doesn't help the deep ache in my chest when I think about that.

The next couple of hours are spent getting them ready, hair and clothes and they are ready to go on, passes in my pocket I sit on a box until last song, my head is all over the place, Ben and Louis driving me crazy, I see Niall reach out to a girl, throw her a pick from his guitar, Louis glances at me, split second look, I see him hesitate slightly then reaches over to a cute pretty girl.

Oh!

I give them both passes and get them through the gate and out to hospitality, grab them both a drink and the guys come back from the dressing room damp hair and changed clothes. Niall turns on the charm, the girl is completely under his spell, she looks older than Niall and he is turning on the charm. Louis girl is quieter, shyer, he comes over and sits chatting to her, I wait til they are all back.

'Ok need you on bus 2 at 12 midnight for this radio interview at 12.15am, please don't be late and walk off and leave them to sort out the where and when for their girls, I can't be part of this.

I walk around, realise the headliners are taking to the stage and go to see who it is, its bloody Green day!

I text Louis.

'Sorry to disturb but its Green day headlining, thougth you might wanna know'

He replies.

'Oh shit thanks H deffo wanna see em, on my way now where are you?'

'Side stage left side gantry, its packed up here,'

Meet me at the bottom of steps we'll go into crowd.'

He grabs me from behind, 'Oi Oiiiiiii.'

'Come on dickhead we're missing them.' I berate.

'Was a great excuse to get rid of that lass, she was ok and all that but..'

I don't ask what the but is, I am just happy he is with me.

He turns to me 'I wasn't going to do anything Harry, I was going to make it look like I was..' His voice tails off.

'Louis its fine you don't have to..' he shakes his head 'come on lets go.'

We squeeze into the crowd, Louis with his beanie and hood up and become a pair of crazed idiots for a while, jumping about screaming the words to the songs but I was ever mindful of the time and dragged him back in time for the interview.

Done and finished we are heading to Spain for a few days but the journey is a long one, but they aren't due on stage until Wednsday but have lots of press lined up so we set off for the long drive, Louis falling asleep almost immediately in the back lounge, lightly snoring next to me whilst I watch The Hangover with the other guys and enjoy a beer or two.

First time I realise something is wrong is when Louis starts to thrash about next to me, we are well into the film and he is mumbling and jumping, the others laugh but he seems weird to me, I touch him and he is boiling hot, panic sweeps though me.

'Shit Niall, Louis is burning up, just caught him with my arm and he is boiling hot.'

'He'll be dreaming about hot sex Haz, he'll be fine.'

I daren't make too much fuss but I knew he wasn't right. I keep feeling him and he isn't cooling down and the thrashing about is worse.

'No there's something not right.' I eventually dare to speak up, I nudge him 'Louis, Louis mate, you ok?'

The others pause the film, realising I am serious, he is delirious, temperature raging hot.

I ring Cal, 'Louis is unwell, raging temperature and just not well at all Cal.'

We arrange to stop at the next truckstop and meet up and decide what to do.

We are somewhere just into France and once Cal sees him, realises he needs to see a doctor.

I am sick to my stomach, the other lads are moved onto bus 2 incase its something contageous, I tell them I have a strong immune system and I am expendable and stay with him, wouldn't have it any other way.

A Doctor arranges to meet us at a hotel not far away so we set off and get him checked into a room and the Doctor soon arrives. He examines him and checks him all over and says he thinks he has 'flu, he is dizzy and his glands in his neck are up and his high temperature.

He takes some blood to rule out glandular fever but says he needs bed rest for 48 hours and a course of antibiotics and meds for his high temperature. He advises that he be isolated incase it is anything infectious and promises to be in touch with the results of his blood test very soon.

Once his meds kick in he is much more lucid.

'What the hell happened?' he croaks

'You had a massively high temperature, was thrashing about and you scared us all to death.' I admit.

'You in pain anywhere?' I probe.

'My throat and ear feel sore, I have a shocking headache and my joints ache, like 'flu I suppose.' he whispers.

'Ok go back to sleep.' I tell him.

The others are all still on the bus, just me and Cal sorting Louis out just incase.

Its decided that all the others will head on down to Spain the gig is postponed but the others will do the promo without Louis and we will join them once he is feeling better, one bus will stay on for us and they will squeeze onto the other bus.

We don't worry Louis with the details and Cal leaves us and gets the others down to Barcelona.

The hotel give us adjoining rooms and I sleep with the connecting door open so I can listen out for him but find myself in and out checking him and end up in his room curled up in the chair and sleep on and off for a couple of hours.

Louis wakes up groaning, his head is thumping and his temperature is up again, I feed him more paracetamol and water to drink, he isn't hungry and just drifts back off to sleep. Cal is wanting regular updates and I let him know how he is all the time.

He is curled in a ball on this huge bed so I wet a cloth and lay next to him cooling his brow, pushing his hair back and trying to make him comfortable. Spend hours just looking at him, watching his face as he sleeps, his straight nose, his mouth, his cheekbones, his tiny sprinking of freckles, his dark eyelashes, him.

He wakes up needing a wee, he is dizzy and unsteady, I walk him into the bathroom.

'Sit down to wee Lou, don't want you getting dizzy.'

He nods and does as he is told.

'Don't look.' he croaks.

'Not the first time I've seen you do this.' I smile.

'Oh shit, just..oh just kill me now, what a useless dick I am.' he moans.

'shurrup drama queen, fancy a wash?' I ask. 'Might make you feel a bit cooler.

He nods 'yes please.'

I wet the flannel and wash his face and body, make him feel a bit fresher, he shakes as the water hits his skin and cools and in the end he is shivering quite fiercly.

I dry him and get him back to bed, lay next to him, pushing his hair back gently he looks at me.

'Whats the deal then? Have I fucked it all up?'

'Nah, the others have left us here gone to do all the promo, we have postponed Wednesdays gig and gonna reschedule when we know what is wrong with you.'

He nods, face flushed with the fever, 'thanks for looking after me Harry.' He breathes and soon is back asleep.

I mess about on my phone, play candy crush and catch up on Facebook, Twitter and even venture onto Tumblr putting Louis Tomlinson in the search and passing a good few hours just looking at all the blogged photos of him and thanking the lord for hotel wifi.

He keeps waking, I keep giving him water and he drifts back off, I nap on his bed, have weird dreams and feel really restless and anxious and feel much better when he wakes up a bit brighter.

'You been there all night? 'Louis Its almost Monday night, you've been mostly asleep in this bed for the last 16 hours.'

He's shocked, can't believe he has slept so long, I feed him more pills, more water and he chats for a while then nods back off to sleep.

I'm starving, lived off the snacks in the minibar but need some food so I order room service, hoping he might be tempted to eat.

It arrives and smells amazing, I ordered Pasta and Pizza hoping he would have some, he picks at some pasta and a small slice of pizza and drinks some more but is much brighter than he was earlier.

We get back on the bed and talk.

'Tell me about you, all of you.' I ask.

He laughs, '100 ish female sexual encounters, half of them just blow jobs, one male sexual partner.' he side eyes me.

'Number of relationships, zero.'

I look at him shocked.

'You've never had a relationship?'

'Umm I had a school girlfriend.' he says girlfriend in air quotes'

She was a laugh at school, we dated for 6 months, we were prom dates, but thats it.'

'Harry, I watched my mum..' his voice tails off, I am still spinning a cold flannel around to cool it down and replacing it on his hot forehead.

'She umm she had it so tough..' his voice cracks, I reach my other hand over and stroke his arm.

'I don't know how she did it Harry,' he sighs 'she worked so hard, brought us kids up so well, we never had loads of money but we were always happy and never needed anything.' His hands wringing in his lap giving away the inner turmoil reliving the memories was causing him

'And yet she will have been nursing a broken heart and still having to carry on as normal,' His voice hitched with emotion.

'She's amazing but I could never be like her, no one is going to make me feel like that, I had enough of heartbreak, people I loved leaving us.' His face harder now, his jaw clenched.

'You've had so much to deal with Lou.' I hug him closer 'you must be so strong, such a fighter.'

He sits up and looks at me and has a rueful smile, shakes his head 'you have no idea Harry, I am a coward, I run from everything, never face anything, never settled with anyone, never shared my life with anyone because everyone I have ever loved has either been hurt or let down or they've let me down, I can never see myself with anyone, I am so cynical, I will end up a lonely old cat man.'

I see the pain in his eyes, it kills me seeing him like this, just want to kiss his pain away, make him feel better.

We chat for hours, let him lead the conversation, try and get his inner feelings out, he doesn't show too much, think he thinks he has probably shared enough so we turn it more lighthearted.

Tales from being on the road, Nialls conquests, the fact that he is sure Liam and Zayn are shagging hmmm spot on Sherlock!

'Would you be bothered if they were?'

'Nah not at all, infact I think its quite cute but fuck, dreading the impact when it all turns to shit.'

'Maybe it won't.' I venture.

'Oh it will, nothing lasts and we have such a fucked up existance on the road if they are at it then it can't possibly last.'

He is a true commitmentphobe.

I realise whatever it is I feel for him and at the moment it feels strong, it feels deep but its going to be unrequited, its going to end in my heart being well and truly broken, he is never going to want me like I want him, he is stuggling with his feelings as it is. I have learned to live with Ben and his ridiculous situation but I don't think I would survive Louis' rejection, it was hard enough having the morning after so that makes my decision that much easier.

He drifts back off to sleep, I sweep his fringe back, watch his beautiful face and know I need to act fast.

I open email and whilst I am in the right frame of mind, I email Ben.

'Ok, I will come and work for IDJ, I can't promise anything else other than giving my all to this job but please, you need to give me space Ben, I need to be able to find my feet and seeing you still churns up forgotten feelings, I am over you but the hurt is still there, so if you feel we could do this without hurting each other more, then yes, I will come.

Harry.'

And then the nerves hit, I run to the bathroom and throw up, so sick, so scared.

Ben emails back, tells me a flight will be aranged for me when I have packed up and sorted life out at home for the end of September, he is delighted I have accepted and tells me some apartment details will be forwarded to me at a later date.

Ok I can do this, two more months with 17 Black and then new life in New York City! Whats not to love? Shame I have this niggling doubt in my stomach.

 

Louis recovers enough to travel on to Spain, the Doctor visit and gives him the all clear but he has to finish the antibiotics and take things easy.

We have the whole bus to ourselves and settle in for the long journey. I set up and office in the kitchen, speed through the emails I need to deal with but Louis is bored and restless and wants to play some FIFA so I abandon work and keep him busy.

We make a stop, buy some snacks from the shop and a stack of crap dvd's and settle in the back lounge for a telly night.

He scoots closer, puts his leg over mine, I put my left arm round him and his head falls onto my chest and snuggles in, his right hand coming up and playing with the hair in my neck, left arm slides over my belly, I lace my fingers with his and just enjoy the closeness.

Half an hour into the film and we have lost the plot and have been making out for the last ten minutes, bodies entwined, lips fused.

Hands exploring, touching, stroking a buzz growing in my stomach, he just has the ability to turn me on so much.

'I've accepted the job.' I just spill it out.

He stops, dead still, looks at me, pain seems to sweep across his eyes 'are you absolutely sure you are doing the right thing?' he croaks.

'Nope, not absolutely sure about anything Lou but what have I got to lose?'

I look at him, want him to say me, you will lose me, don't go, stay, but he doesn't, he just nods faintly and hugs me close.

'We'll miss you.' he whispers.

Lips crash again, New York forgotten I need this tonight, need him, think he needs me too, I cling to him, his lips and hands working their magic, he just has the ability to make me fall apart.

We don't move out of the back lounge much, I keep popping down and checking work but I have my phone and emails are sent there too so I can work from up there.

We go down and make sandwiches and have a shower but relocate back up there and just enjoy the privacy and quiet time together.

We talk more too, he shows me photos of his family, tells me about school.

'I could wash dry and iron my own school shirts at 11.' he grins proudly, 'because my mum was so busy with the kids and then when the twins came along I was dropping and picking Lottie and Fizzy from school and helping them with their homework whilst Mum looked after the twins and Mark and the house, it was hard going.' He admits.

He talks about the crappy jobs he got before the band.

'I was fired from them all, I was terrible, didn't give a shit about any of them.' He smiles ruefully.

'and then I had an absolute melt down when I had no idea what to do with my life.' he sighs.

'Thank god we got spotted and signed, we worked our fucking arses off every night in bars, playing for beer money, hauling our gear round in a battered old van, night after night, sometimes to audiences of 5.' he shakes his head.

'Our mate Ed had a showcase booked in London and some label guys were there and they came to talk to us straight away.' he shakes his head, smiling at the memory.

'We thought they were joking, that it was a wind up, thank god we turned up the next day at the offices with our demos.'

'That's what I am going to be doing at Island.' I tell him 'A&R, I love it, the buzz of discovering something new.' I grin.

He looks at me, leans in, head on my chest, fingers lacing through my hair 'you'll be amazing at that.' he whispers.

He stays quiet now, feel him sigh, shift that bit closer, thighs and hips melting together.

'You'll have to come and stay with me in New York.' I try and lighten the moment.

He nods, 'And you will have to come and stay with me in London, I have just bought a place. He shifts and gets his phone out to show me photos of his new home, I was expecting an ultra modern apartment but it was a beautiful Victorian house, high gates and a garden.

'I could have gone for a view of the river apartment with one bedroom or this, in North London, a proper home with 4 bedrooms and loads of space for when all the family come down, it was a no brainer.' he smiles.

I graze my thumb along his jaw 'Louis Tomlinson you really are a big softy.'

He wrestles me down, sits on my hips and pins my wrists to the lounger.

'I will deny it to the death and if you speak of such ridiculousness again I will be forced to hush you, I may have just the thing to do that.'

He swoops down, kissing me so tender, so gentle, his hands releasing my wrists so he can tip my head to deepen his kiss, his tongue lazily exploring, my hands slip inside his sweatpants, his bum naked, soft and round, my hands happy to just exist here stroking and caressing. His hands grazing my sides, slipping under my t shirt, hands splayed, sweeping back up, his thumbs finding my nipples, my breath catches in my throat, explosions in my groin, stomach buzzing with desire, his lips leave mine, I let out a soft moan, needing to feel them, he comes down and licks and bites my nipples, pleasure and pain, pleasure always wins though, I sweep my hands up, thread my fingers in his soft hair, breath in his scent, pineapple shampoo, fresh deoderant and him, his smell.

He sits back on his heels.

'2 months.' he murmurs.

And then he is back down, his body mine, he makes love to me all night, its different, its tender, its passionate, its always been good, always been thrilling and erotic but there was something else there, bodies yes, always, but now minds were there too, our time together had brought us closer, it brought another element to us, to this situation, it was too close, the eyes, the looks the touches, a new connection and it scared the hell out of me but ignited me to the core.

The next morning I peel myself from his arms and after peeing showering and brushing my teeth I make us and the drivers some tea, Tony the driver, tells me he is about to stop for the last time and that we are about 4 hours away from Barcelona.

Just four hours of freedom, I wake him up, give him his tea and ask him what he wants to eat.

'You.' he winks.

'As much as I want that too, I don't think its nourishing enough for you to get back to full health so I shall go and make eggs and then we'll see what you are strong enough for.'

His smile makes his eyes crinkle 'You'll make someone a wondeful wife Styles.'

I bend over and slap my own arse, 'a chef in the kitchen and a slut in the bedroom, I can't lose.' and flash him a killer smile.

I make poached eggs on toast with avocado for him whilst he showers, we sit in the kitchen, eating and chatting easily and watching the Spanish countryside whiz past then he drags me back upstairs.

'Thank you so much for staying and looking after me.' he smiled ghosting his fingers down my arm and sending shivers down my spine.

'So glad it wasn't Cal who stayed.' his whole face lit up in a smile 'and your arse is much better and don't even get me started on that mouth.'

I laugh, 'It was a pleasure, kind of enjoyed being in solitary with you although you are quite demanding, eggs and tea and blowjobs.'

'Well now you mention it..' his eyes fall down.

We spend the last few hours pretty much wrapped in each others arms, insatiable Louis strikes again.

I reluctantly leave his side and go and check on things in the kitchen, speak to Cal and tell him we are nearly there.

Louis sits and watches me work, making me tea this time and just generally distracting me with is whole prescence.

'So what has been Bens reaction to you taking the job?' he chews his lip.

'Umm he's erm pleased, he umm says he invested like loads of time on me and umm wants it to go to good use.' I watch his face, suddenly feel really nervous talking about it.

'Only do what YOU wanna do, don't feel like you owe him anything and don't let him take advantage.'

'I'll be fine, I think, might be a bit lonely in New York but I suppose I will make friends.'

He frowns 'Ahm not sure you know, its completely new to you and are you sure you will be ok and umm new job, new home, new friends, its a lot you know Haz.'

I shrug 'But I can't really carry on with you lot, don't even know if they would renew my contract and this is a certain job, I have to take it really.'

He pouts 'Just don't want that twat taking advantage of you.'

'I'll be fine, its just totally professional now..'

He cuts me off 'Maybe for you but I saw how he looks at you, he will be in your bed in no time.'

That stings, my face must show the pain, him thinking I am that much of a sap that I will let him back into my bed.

'Thanks for the vote of confidence.' I sigh.

'All I am saying Harry is if I were him I would be doing everything I could to get you back in my bed.'

'But I don't want him so that little word no will put an end to that.' I spit out.

'Sorry.' he mutters and goes back upstairs and leaves me to work.

I speak to Tony, we are 30 minutes away according to his sat nav so I pop back upstairs, he is brooding on the lounger.

I crawl up him, pout my face right up into his face 'whats up sulky?'

He stays straightfaced for 3 seconds and then breaks into a grin at my silly face.

'I just don't like the thought of you at his mercy, I just..anyway forget it.'

He snakes his arms round me and pulls me in for a kiss.

 

Barcelona is amazing, we have a fabulous time, the weather is beautiful and the people are so cool, they play the rescheduled gig and do a couple more interviews, downtime finds us soaking up the sun and our last night there is spent in the bars of Las Ramblas, we eat the best tapas and drink too much beer and dance.

I don't take anything for granted and always wait to hear from Louis if he wants my company, I realise he struggles when we are with the others.

We end the night having nightcaps in the hotel bar and then all go up to bed together.

'Get your beautiful ass over here.' he texts about 60 seconds after I close my door.

I tease him.

'I'm very very VERY tired and think I am going to just put my jimjams on and get a solid 8 hours sleep.'

There's a tap on my door a minute later and I have to bite my sleeve to stop from laughing, I make my face all serious and open the door.

'Yes Lewis what do you require?'

He just rolls his eyes and grabs my hand and pulls me out and over to his room

'Get your fucking arse in there Styles.' He growls in my ear.

We are spending more and more time together, I don't question this, just happy to be with him but can't help wondering where his head is, what he thinks but don't have the courage to ask, so I just relish the time we spend together.

Next stop is Paris, lots of promo, radio, TV and a couple of shows. Their profile is so high at the moment the crowds are always waiting to meet them and the offers for promo deals are rolling it.

I work hard, endless emails, everyone wants a piece of them but we are about to have 4 days off in the UK before we do Glastonbury and we are all looking forward to that.

Last night in Paris we are invited to dinner in the tower, its incredible, the views are amazing and its just so epic, we dress up, make a special night of it and have just the best time.

'To us.' the guys toast with a glass of champagne.

'Can't believe how far we have come.' Niall adds getting all emotional.

'Travelling the world with my best buds, living the dream, heres to us.'

'To us.' they all chorus.

Liam leans in and clears his throat 'Guys I umm we..' he glances at Zayn who is looking at Liam so fondly 'we have something to tell you, umm Zayn and I umm..' he lowers his voice 'we are umm together and we thought its about time we came clean.'

I grin, the others all look at each other and say,

'About bloody time.' and burst out laughing.

'You knew?' Liam laughs.

'Course we bloody knew you two are sickly man bloody sickly.' Niall scoffs.

'Nah bloody top news is that fellas, we love ya's and you's are the best.' he grins.

Liam looks like his face is about to split open and Zayn is just simmering with happiness.

We raise a toast to them too 'Don't EVER room next to me.' Niall adds 'Theres no fucking way I wanna hear THAT.'

They all fall about laughing, Cal looks thoughtful and Louis is raising his eyebrows and grinning at me across the table.

We are straight back on the bus to London, happy and chilled out, I book a train up to Holmes Chapel looking forward to seeing my mum and sister and just relaxing for a few days.

We have to hold back on the goodbye, everyone is there so its bro hugs and we all go separate ways.

Mum is so pleased to see me, we snuggle up on the sofa with tea and biscuits and I spill out the whole story about Ben, she just listens, never judges, offers her opinions and then I tell her about New York, her face drops.

'Harry are you absolutely sure about this? New job, new city, new home, its a lot to adjust to.'

She gets a bit upset, worrying that I have taken too much on, I promise her I will pace myself and not be too overwhelmed by it all.

Gemma is away for the night so I watch TV with mum and Robin, they sense I am tired and just want to chill, I soon fall asleep on the sofa, Mum shakes me gently makes me go up to bed, I crash out immediately.

Next morning I pop down to my old bakery and get us all fresh pastries for breakfast, Gemma pops home to get changed for work, I make her a cuppa and take her a danish up whilst she dries her hair and we have a quick catch up before she dashes off.

Mum and I sort my case and just have a lovely day together, she does my washing and packs me some new T shirts and things she has picked up for me.

We wait for Gemma and Robin to come home and get fish and chips for tea and play scrabble together, great family night, I bed down in my old room, not so shattered tonight, looking round, seeing all my old books and things, makes me feel all melancholy, not lived here properly since before uni, wish I was a kid again with no responsibilities, no worries just having fun.

My phone bleeps,

'Hey you, hope you're having a great time with the fam, feels weird being home, the decorators have gone now my house is all done, seems massive for just me, had a takeaway tonight and watched a stack of Walking deads that I missed, feels strange not seeing you, sweet dreams xxx'

'Hey you too, having a great time, managed to worry my mum silly about NYC, had fish and chips and played scrabble tonight, laid in my old room feeling sorry for myself now, missed seeing you too xxx'

'Why you feeling sorry for yourself? can I facetime you? will the others hear you?'

I click in to facetime him, he answers straight away, laid on his sofa.

'Hi sexy, I'll whisper don't worry, show me your room then.' He grins.

I turn the phone round and show him my old stuff, my teddy at the end of the bed, my old bookshelves, my Man U posters and my Beckham poster pride of place on the wall.

'Show me your posh house then' I counter.

He turns the phone around and shows me his living room, all white walls and comfy sofas, a huge telly and gorgeous art on the walls.

'Zayn did all the artwork, I'm so lucky, he's a genius.'

'He is and your house looks beautiful.'

'Why don't you umm come and see for yourself.' he says hesitantly.

'I umm yeah I will pop in sometime.' I say.

'No, come and stay, come and see it, please.'

'Oh ok if umm if you want.'

'Do you want to?' he questions.

'Yeah Louis I'd love to.'

He grins 'You think you could get away Wednesday morning? I'll pick you up from Euston.'

'I umm I have a ticket for Thursday but umm I could get another one I suppose.'

'I could drive up and get you.'

'Oh god no Louis its fine, its too far, i'll get the train down.'

'Get an early one Haz.' he says, barely a whisper, 'lets make a day of it.'

'Ok,' I smile.

'See you Wednesday, will text you my train time.'

'If the trains are full Wednesday morning with commuters you could always come down Tuesday night.'

Thats tomorrow night, jesus.

'I umm I'll let you know Lou.'

'Harry..I erm I miss you.'

'I miss you too Lou.'

'See you soon.'

'Yeah night night.'

I click off, the biggest smile on my face, he misses me.

Gemma texts me 'I can hear you talking dickhead what you up to?'

'You awake Gems, can I come and talk to you?'

'S'pose so.'

I sneak in, share her covers and tell her all about Louis.

'So let me get this straight, you are shagging the lead singer, he's confused about his sexuality, wants you then hates you, can't speak to you but now he wants you to go stay, what if he hates you again and throws you out?'

'No, its not like that now, he is fine now, it was in the beginning, he was confused, I'm his first guy, he never umm before so yeah, he said he didn't hate me, he hated himself.'

'Oh very deep Haz, very deep, look its your life, I just..' she grabs me in a hug 'I don't want you to get like you were after Ben.'

I hug her 'I have no expectations, I know we can never be anything other than shag buddies and I'm going to New York soon so, it is what it is.'

'As long as you're happy.' she smiles.

He spends most of the next day texting me, asking me when I am going down, I look at trains and there is one at 9pm from here gets me in after 11, so unsure what to do I check the next mornings trains and they are ridiculosly expensive to go early in commuter time so I text him and say,

'Its too expensive to get the early train, I could come on the 11am train get me in 1:30ish.'

'Fuck the cost, who cares, I'll book it for you.'

'No Louis, I'll come in the afternoon.'

'What about tonight?'

'Mmm there is a train tonight but dunno..'

'What..dunno cos of family or dunno cos of me?'

'Both.'

'I want you here.'

Oh!

'You sure?'

'100%'

'Ok will let you know.'

Mums is on her last wash from my suitcase, its all being repacked on the kitchen table, she spoils me she really does!

'Mum uhm I might have to go down tonight would you be bothered?'

'Have worked called you love?'

I take a breath.

'Its...... a guy.'

She grins.

'Oh dumping us for a man, I see.' she grabs me in a hug.

'Do what makes you happy love.'

I cling onto her, breathing in her smell, I love her so much.

'Thanks mum, love you.'

'Love you too darling.'

I text him 'you sure you want me tonight?'

'You know I do, let me know your train time, I will be there xxx'

'Euston, 11.25pm see you soon xxx'

'See you there xxx'

'I could get a cab.'

'Shut up idiot, see you there xxx'

 

Mum drives me to the station.

'So wanna tell me who you are going to see?'

'Uhm, not yet, he's nice, we are just good friends though.'

She holds my face in her hands,

'Ok love, be careful, enjoy yourself, love you so much Harry, be happy.'

'I will and I am happy Mum honest.'

 

He's waiting for me, beanie on his head, skinny jeans, denim shirt over a white t shirt, he looks breathtaking, my stomach is in knots, chest pounding.

I walk towards him, grinning, he steps from foot to foot, hands in his pocket, looking nervous but smiling.

I hip check him 'Ey up.'

'Ey up yourself.'

'You look hot.' I whisper down to him.

'Ditto curly and did your voice get even deeper?'

'Shurrup where are you parked?'

'Just abandonned it outside, bet I've got a ticket now.'

'LOUIS.'

'I don't care, come on.' he tugs me towards the exit, huge grin on his face.

His car is there, unticketed thank god, we jump in and he drives us into the London traffic, he looks so hot maneuvering this huge range rover in the traffic.

'Nice time with the family?' he slides his hand over to my thigh, heat pouring into my groin, fizzing in my belly.

'Lovely time thanks, you keep busy?'

'Nah been a right lazy get, just chilled, Niall popped over Sunday night for curry and FIFA but we both crashed out knackered, just chilled on the sofa yesterday like I said, watched loads of crap that I'd sky plussed and ate crap all day, missed you and sat thinking about texting you for about 3 hours.'

My heart flipped 'why did you think about texting me for so long?'

'Cos I didn't wanna disturb your family time.'

Traffic grinds to a halt.

I lift his hand to my lips, kiss his fingers and his wrist 'don't ever be afraid to text me Louis, ever.'

He looks over at me his eyes wide watching me with his hand.

'Don't.' his voice cracks 'I might have to pull over and dive on you.' he murmurs.

I do it all the more, sucking his fingers, tongue swirling, eyes on him all the time.

See him shift, see the bulge in his jeans, 'some friction going on in there,' I nod towards his crotch.

'You bastard, you just wait.'

He grabs his hand back and slams the car into drive, we move off again, dodging the traffic, more urgent, heading north.

I drop my hand, palm myself through my jeans, watch him watching me, he sucks his breath in, shakes his head.

Anticipation swirls in my stomach, he keeps looking over, the air is crackling, he turns off into suburban streets now until we turn into a leafy lane, he slows, presses a button on his keys and the gates open, he drives in and they close behind, he stops the car slides over, grabs my jacket and pulls me towards him for a kiss, fierce and hungry, teeth clashing, lips pressed, so hot. He pulls back sits in his seat, I laugh.

'Thats for making me drive through London with an ugly erection you twat.'

'I'm sorry I'm sorry but never ugly Louis, never.' I say licking my lips,

He laughs too, 'you are such a tease!'

I grab my case and follow him into the house, its amazing, his kitchen has every gadget known to exist, his living room is immaculate, he has a dedicated games room with every boy toy you can think of, he has a gym and even a pool with a jacuzzi. A sweeping lawn out the back with a huge covered area for barbequing.

'This is stunning Louis, absolutely stunning.' He grins 'Glad you like it, I love it too.'

'Fancy some supper?'

'Nah I wanna dive in your pool.'

'Go for it.'

I strip off, he watched me intently, gets to my boxers and I look at him questioningly.

'Take them off.' he orders.

I oblige and jump in, swim up and down, loving the feel of the water, exhilerating, refreshing, I feel the splash of him jumping in too, I stop, wait for him to surface and swim over to him, I wrap my legs round him, he can hold me up for once in the water.

'Hi.' I breath

'Hi,' he counters, hands under my bum, holding me up, I kiss him, tender this time, deep and sensual, desire curling in my stomach, racing round my veins, needing him, he sucks my collarbones, making bruises, making me shiver with want.

I unfurl my legs from round him and in one move I have lifted him out of the pool and onto the side, I stand between his legs, his hands come round into my hair, my mouth worships his thighs, sucking a lovebite in the soft flesh, licking his balls, I look up at him, my hands take his erection, admire and adore and then my mouth eases his need, relentless, tongue, lips and hot mouth swallowing him down, his head thrown back, a growl escapes him, come up to suck and lick the head, take him down to devour him, his voice raw, 'Harry please.' he begs, I hum around him, hand covering the base, mouth taking care of the rest, he swells, shaking as he spills down my throat, crying my name, it echoes around the room.

He slides back into the pool, kisses me, 'you just...Harry you are mindblowing..' he pants as he gets his breath back.

'Come on,' I nudge him with my hip, 'lets finish the guided tour and maybe we can do something about this.' I push my erection into his hip, he groans 'my pleasure.'

We wrap towels round us and pad upstairs, he leads me by the hand into his room, he has a huge bed, deep fluffy carpets, its huge with doors leading out to a balcony, a bathroom off to the right a walk in closet to the left.

'On there,' he orders.

'I'm still really damp i'll ruin the bedding and pillows.' but he just pushes me on it 'I'll buy new ones.'

We kiss, he's laid across me, hands touching, brushing my nipples, 'I need you.' I whisper.

His mouth is on me in seconds, working his way down, licking and kissing, so good, hot on my cold skin, he takes me in his hand, tongue swirling round the head, licking down, sweeping across my balls I suck in air, panting at the magic his mouth is producing, back up, taking me down, so deep, so hot, he pops off, leaving me reeling. 'You're going to fuck me right now.

He slides across the bed, hear the rip of the condom packet, see him slide lube on himself, slides the condom on me and lubes that too, lays down and pulls me on top, I slide my erection against him, slowly opening him, he pleads, 'need you.' I inch my way in, stopping myself from the need to slam him, biting my lip watching his face slack, mouth open eyes heavy as I push my way in, feel him swallowing me up as I near the hilt, pulling back and pusing in more, nearly there, the tighness squeezing at me, I pull back and thrust in, making him buck, the groan in his throat exhilatating, I grind my hips, he lifts up to me, needing me, I up my pace, rotating my hips, giving him it all, feel him relax more, I go in for the kill, hips tilted up I slam in, he falls apart, pupils blown, body shaking I take him higher, watching him respond to me is like a drug, addictive and heady. I stop, pull him up into my lap, kiss him, stroke his hair, down his back, his legs wrapped around my hips, rocking on me, grinding down, driving me crazy, 'fuck Louis,' I breath 'so beautiful.' He runs his hands through my hair, thumbs across my cheekbones, kissing me, still in my lap, riding me slowly, its unreal, face to face, eyes connecting, a feeling blooms in my chest, looking at him, his face, his blush from us, making love, I run my fingertips down his back, he shudders, throws his head and shoulders back pushes his arse forward and grinds his hips into me, rolling slowly, coming back to capture my lips, kisses me, nibbles my jaw, my ear, I can't take my eyes off him, captivating. He slips his feet back, kneeling over me now gives him more control, he rises and falls onto me, drving me insane, moaning out as he goes, completely controlling what he gets, sweat beading on his chest, his face flushed, his pupils blown, know I will look the same, my soul on fire.

'Louis...I'm..I need..' he's still pounding down, fingers biting into my shoulders.

'Harry.' he cries as I explode into him, hips jerking, my hand stroking him to his own orgasm.

I just hold him in my arms, realisation flooding my brain, I love him, I am in love with him, I've let it happen again, promised I wouldn't hopeless to resist, he struggles enough with this without me adding to the pressure, its supposed to be fun, he can never know, never.

He kisses me, still panting.

'Jesus christ Haz, I am shaking.'

'Me too love, me too.'

I hold him in my arms, relishing this time with him, sleep eventually invading my brain but not before I let silent tears stream down my face when I feel his breathing slow and know he is asleep.

Harry Styles you utter dickhead.

I wake early, feel him still in my arms, just lay watching him, not quite believing this situation, this beautiful man in my arms, crying out my name last night, making me feel so alive.

I sneak out of bed and pull my case into the bathroom, quickly shower and pull on boxers and go down and find the kitchen again while he sleeps on.

I poke about in the fridge, he has tons of food in so I look for pans and crockery, find a blender so start on smoothies for us, berries and bananas with yogurt and ice, so good, I cook eggs and bacon and brew some tea, I pluck a rose from his vase and put it between my teeth and carry a tray up to his room, kick the door with my foot and try and make a noise with the damned rose in my mouth, well it seemed like a good idea at the time.

He rolls over hearing the commotion, sees me, hands full, grinning with the rose between my lips.

'Best sight I ever woke up to.' he says, all gruff morning voice.

I lay the tray on his knees and can now take the rose out.

'For you..' I hand him it.

'Put it back in your teeth I wanna photo of that.' he smiles.

I oblige, stood there in my pants I bite the stem of the rose and grin wildly at his phone, striking a ridiculous pose.

'Might make that my Christmas card.'

I pull my tongue out.

'I made stuff.' I gesture to the tray.

'So I see, nice work Styles.'

We eat side by side on the bed, he hums his appreciation when he tastes it all.

'What you wanna do today?' he asks.

'Ahm not bothered, what do you wanna do?'

'You.'

'Oh..' I grin.

'Fancy some shopping and a nice afternoon in the garden?'

'Honestly happy to just do whatever you wanna do Lou.'

He nods.

I stack the dishwasher whilst he showers and dresses, I popped back up to get dressed and he was on his phone, looking exasperated, I hold my hand up to say sorry and leave the room, with my case and go and get dressed in one of the other rooms, leaving the door open so he knows where I am.

He pops his head round.

'Sorry, persistant lady on the phone.'

'Oh, umm is it.....am I causing problems for you?'

He scratches his head.

'Nah, It is or should I say was very casual, she heard I was home, wanted to monopolise my time but I aren't interested.'

I grin wide.

'Sorry.'

'You don't look very sorry.' he winks.

'Ok not sorry.' He shakes his head laughing.

'You are going to take some beating Harry, what will I do when you are in New York, who will make me scream like you do and then make me breakfast?'

My face blooms red.

'I aim to please and there are these things called aeroplanes, they take you places, you can visit me so I can make you eggs and erm other stuff.'

He laughs 'Might just take you up on that offer.'

He kisses me, tender and sweet.

We jump in his car and drive down to Camden, so bohemian, wander round the shops, he is spotted but people are too cool to ask for photos, he buys a vintage denim jacket and one of a kind Chuck Taylors, I buy a vintage red checked shirt, a fitted bright green t shirt and a new hat, an off white fedora. He spots something in a craft shop.

'Hold these whilst I pop in here would you?'

Passing me all his bags and running into the shop.

He is back out in a couple of minutes, taking the bags back from me and dropping another small bag in his shopping.

We head back to the car, he gets asked for a photo and obliges with a smile, we drive back to his house, get changed into shorts and go lay out in the garden. Its a beautiful day, we chat easily, music on, sun out, perfect.

'You think you'd be able to work out my washing machine for me?

I take my shades off and look at him.

'Please tell me you are kidding.'

He bites his lip.

'The cleaner or my mum does it usually and I wanna take that new jacket on tour but I wanna wash it, do you wanna wash your new shirt too?'

He flutters his eye lt me.

'Come on derp face lets go look.'

We put the clothes in and its so easy, switch it on and bow for him.

'Haven't you washed stuff from tour?'

'Yeah, well not me, Margaret my cleaning lady came in yesterday, sorted my case and washed my stuff, got my shopping in, I love her, she's ace.'

'Well now I have showed you, you can do it yourself now.'

He pouts 'You are too clever.'

'I remember you telling me you could wash dry and iron at 11, don't regress Lou.' I laugh.

'Shurrup showoff.'

I run and dive in the pool, I pound up and down, ploughing through the water until I feel the burn in my arms and legs, he's sat on the edge watching me.

I swim over, pull him in, hold him, still panting from the swim but because I have this wonderful boy in my arms.

'You are so beautiful.' I breath, he wraps his legs round me, I hold him under his bum, kissing him, desire curling in my stomach.

'What shall we do for dinner?'

'I don't care Lou, its up to you?'

'You wanna dress up, go out or veg out and order takeaway?'

'Honestly you chose.'

'I wanna show you off.' he giggles 'People were turning to look at you today and I was with you, you are in my arms, in my bed, it makes me feel so good.'

'Louis, they were looking at you, they were all nudging each other going its that hot guy from 17 black.'

He eye rolls me, 'right we shall go and be fabulous darling in Primrose hill?'

'Ok then.'

He books us a table and later we go and get ready, it was so nice, sharing his bathroom, getting ready together, in his bedroom, trying clothes on, asking what he thinks.

'THAT, wear that.' he says when I pull out the black sheer shirt.

He shows me a new shirt he bought, its purple with tiny white spots on, he looks so good in it, so hot.

'Wear that, I will have an ugly erection all night though,'

He laughs 'niiiiice.'

We have a great night, its full of all the people I see in Heat magazine in this restaurant, they come over and chat he introduces me as his tour manager, the truth I suppose, it stings slighly, I completely understand though.

My foot hooked round his ankle, his hand keeps appearing on my thigh, its lovely, feels intimate to me, feel proud when people are looking at him, we laugh all the time the conversation never dries up, finish each others sentences, sing along to the background ratpack songs,

The food is amazing and at the end of the night he gives me a choice, clubbing or home.

I look at him and whisper, 'its up to you but I just wanna get you home.'

He nods 'great choice curly.'

Its torture waiting for the cab, trying to keep my hands off of him.

We fall into the house, too much wine but drunk on each other.

We get very little sleep, he makes sweet love to me, its passionate and tender, mindblowing and erotic and the closest I have ever felt to another human being. As he holds me, making my body sing, looking into my eyes, fire and passion blowing my mind, the emotion taking over me, I can't help it, its overwhelming, a sob escapes me, pure emotion, his eyes question me, I pull him in for a kiss, covering the slip quickly, crying out his name as I come, feel him swell and come too, his cries touching my soul.

I hold him, breathe him in, 'you are bloody amazing.' I pant. He suddenly sits up, remembers something and slips out of bed, messes around in the bags on the floor and then brings a small package back to bed.

'For you.' he says quietly.

'Louis, I..you shouldn't have.'

'Open it, its just a small gift.'

I tear open the paper and a small box is inside, I open it to see a silver plane on a silver chain, its gorgeous.

I look at him and grin.

'You bought me this?'

'Yeah, we'd been on about me coming to see you and I saw that and thought it was appropriate so umm yeah, you like it?'

'I love it.' I whisper. 'Thank you so much.'

He leans over and puts it on me, 'you don't have to wear it but I just had this impulse to buy it.'

'Of course I'll wear it I love it so much.'

We lay for hours, just touching, talking, fingertips, eyes, lips, lazy and sensual until sleep steals him away from me and I watch his chest rise and fall, savouring the moments spent with him, this person who feels like the other half of me laid in my arms.

Morning sees us packing up, we are meeting at K West, our London base, they have Jonathan Ross to film tonight and then its on to Glasonbury.

Even though I am going to be with him we are leaving the sanctum of his home, where we can just be us, be free, feels scary, is Niall gonna want to hook him up with a groupie? My stomach twists, will he want to hook up? He might want some female company, someone soft in his arms rather than my broad frame. and this is how my thoughts torture me for the next few hours, he senses I am withdrawn, comes over and tucks a curl behind my ear.

'S'up love?'

'Nahh I'm just being greedy, just want you all to myself, bit scared that I will forget myself and like grab for you or kiss you by mistake.'

'Once we are back with them lot it will feel like we've never been away.' he smiles.

He orders us separate cabs, I am to leave first, him a short while after.

I grab him in a hug,

'Thank you for these last few days.' I sigh.

'Thank you for leaving your family and coming down to me, you know how much I appreciate that?' it came out as a question.

I smile, 'no where else I'd rather be.'

'Just so you know, I am telling the others I am seeing someone, I don't really wanna be taking randoms back with me so yeah, I am going to be dating someone and trying to be faithful on the road.'

My heart soars.

'I'm not interested in anyone but you Louis so absolutely no randoms for me either not that I normally do.' I smile.

Feeling much happier I leave for the hotel, I am first there and sort out the rooms, putting Louis at the end of the corridor and me next door so no eavedroppers either side!

Cal arrives soon after looking rested, we debrief in the bar, waiting for the others to arrive and then once they drop their stuff and we all have a chat in the bar, find out what everyone got up to, I just said I was in Holmes Chapel, I omitted my trip to North London!

'I spent some time with someone special.' Louis grins 'Its someone I was seeing on and off and we've become a bit closer so I'm gonna try and stay faithful on the road.' They all fall about laughing.

'As IF Tommo.' they all chorus.

The cars arrive to take us to Jonathan Ross, I'd already primed Louis to wear the purple shirt again.

'Yeah? you like?'

'Uhmmm for sure, ugly boner time again.'

It all goes well, they are ribbed mercilessly by Wossy about their love lives, life on the road, groupies and how their lives have changed and they come across so well, such cameraderie, such grounded lads.'

There is a little aftershow party there and then we are invited out to One Marylebone, there is a party being held for the X Factor launch and we got an invite so we jump in cars and go across.

Too many cocktails, too much nice food, some interesting dancing and all too soon back to the hotel for a few hours sleep before bus call for Glasto.

I scoot down to his room when everyone is settled, he's made us both tea, I watch him undress, put his comfy pajama's on, stomach curls when I watch him, could just sit and do this forever.

We lay on the bed, wrapped in each others arms, disect their Interview, he worries he came across as a douch, I reassure him he was wonderful.

'I like this.' he whispers.

'What?' I stroke his hair from his face.

'This, us, coming home to someone, sharing.' he bites his lips, nervous.

'Me too.' I confess, holding him close, my heart flipping in my chest.

6am finds me sneaking back to my room, huge smile on my face not quite believing my time with him, how close we feel.

 

The traffic down to Worthy Farm is slow going, the vibe on the bus is buzzing though, the lads all together on bus 1, are so pumped to be playing the legendary pyramid stage at Glastonbury.

They aren't actually on until tomorrow night but its always good to network a bit and to do some interviews.

I have been looking at the lineup and trying to arrange a schedule to see as many bands as I possibly can.

After crawling along we soon arrive, I stay onboard and just finalise some interviews and a merch delivery and then I catch up with the others to go see a few bands.

Its a lovely day, manage to catch Kodaline, Lumineers and The Vaccines before popping back for an interview with XFM and then we go and watch Arctic Monkeys headlining Pyramid stage and all get nerves about tomorrow night.

We chill out after on the bus and I reluctantly sleep on my own in my bunk him just feet away from me but not even able to touch him or kiss him.

Morning dawns, we go find some food and then I want to see The 1975 on the other stage, Louis comes too, they are immense, so good.

Back for the big BBC3 interview, its a riot, gets the adrenaline pumping for the night.

We round the corner, laughing at some joke Niall pulled in the interview and I see him straight away, Ben stood about near our dressing room.

I spot him first, he is looking away.

Louis feels me tense and slow my step.

'S'up?' he quizzes.

I nod 'Ben, there, waiting for me no doubt.'

He slings an arm around my shoulders and walks us over, my stomach in knots, he turns.

'Hey Harry, great to see you, how you doing?'

'Umm fine thanks but a bit busy just about to start stage prep.'

'Yeah I realise that, I won't keep you but can I just have a quick chat?'

I can feel Louis eyes burning into me from the corner of my eye.

'Umm really quickly then.'

Louis stays right where he is, at my side, it looks like bro's with his arm around my shoulders but I see Ben glance at him and his face drops slightly when Louis doesn't go.

'S'fine Louis knows I'm coming to work for IDJ.'

He smiles, all teeth and scruff and dark eyes 'I am eternally thankful you accepted, I am going to forward some apartment details to you after the weekend, see where you fancy living, there is a couple of new interns that might want to flat share if you fancy that or you can live alone, its totally up to you.'

I shrug 'I'll think about it, thanks.'

'Don't know if you want a car over there but I can arrange that for you, as soon as you have sorted packing up at home, let me know and I can book you on a flight and arrange shipping for your belongings.'

I nod, 'thanks Ben, I will let you know.'

He shifts from foot to foot, eyeing Louis again, Louis senses this and almost seems to pull me in closer, my heart is hammering inside my chest.

'I best get on.' I state 'speak soon.'

'Just 2 seconds, Harry can I speak to you alone?' He looks pointedly at Louis and he looks at me and questions me with his eyes.

'Its fine you go ahead Lou.' I smile,

He drops his arm and wanders off, but not before giving Ben a death stare to be proud of.

'He's umm..'

'He's my friend Ben, he knows the whole story and he is concerned for me so please..'

He holds his hand up, 'Ok ok.' he sighs

'Please don't be angry with me Harry, I can't stand to see you looking at me so wounded, please, you are so special to me.'

'I deserve someone who wants all of me.' I say 'not angry, more sad, shame we didn't make it but life goes on.'

He nods 'as long as you don't hate me, I couldn't stand that.'

'I don't hate you Ben, I could never hate you.'

He relaxes slightly 'means a lot.'

I nod 'later.' I say and walk off.

Louis looks stressed when I get back, I duck out again, pretending to go look for something, I text him 'Bus 1 in 5 minutes.'

I sneak off, wait in the bus, he comes in, I drag him into the junk room, sink down on my knees and try and ease some of his pressure, he thows his head back, its swift and powerful and he's utterly panting and spent by the time I have finished with him.

'Now go and blow that crowd like I just did you.' I smile.

He hugs me in 'so nervous Harry.'

'You'll be epic, you wait and see.'

Last kiss and he's off.

I wait a minute then wander back.

I feel like I want to throw up for them!

They are on before The Rolling Stones I mean it can't get much better than that, they have a couple of beers to take the edge off and all too soon the crew are changing the stage over and they have their 5 minute warning. They huddle, pep talk each other, fists in, motto screamed

and up they go, bounding out to tens of thousands of people, unreal.

I race round to the pit, snap away with the camera, taking lots of memories to treasure forever then settle back side stage on a box and watch them dominate the Pyramid stage, so proud I could cry.

It passes by in a flash, they were huge, almost live footage goes out on BBC3 and they trend worldwide, their Twitter and Facebook explode.

I have never seen them so pumped up when they come off. They have hoards of industry people coming to congratulate them in their dressing room, even Ronnie Wood pops in and tells them how much he enjoyed them.

We pop champagne and toast them, 'to world domination.' they chant.

We run back across the grass to go and watch The Rolling Stones, they were just legends, the whole place reverbing to the timeless songs.

They smash it, we walk back to the buses on a massive high, our set and then seeing legends is all a bit much. The crew are tucked up on bus 2 but we need to get rid of this adrenaline, so we all pile onto 1, music pumping we party hard on the bus and set off on our epic trek across Northern Europe to the Roskilde festival in Denmark.

The booze flows and everyone is merry, singing and messing about, Zayn and Liam end up dancing together, hips grinding, arms round each other, whispering and laughing, drinking their beer together, just enjoying the fun. I am jealous, I wanna sway with Louis, feel his hip on mine, chat and hold him, share a beer and secret jokes.

I wander off downstairs, wanting something I can never have is painful but the compromise is stopping all of this and I am sucked in, need him, will take whatever he will give me, if its stolen weekends in New York then that will have to do but I know deep down that once I go there is no way he will be able to maintain a long distance love affair, I am loathed to use the word relationship because, well, how presumptuous of me and know how much he hates the whole relationship thing but thats what I'd love to call it.

We scoot through Europe, we share snatched moments, sometimes left alone in the back lounge, late at night we manage some time together. The junk room becomes a standing date, when everyone is getting stage ready we meet in there and relieve some of the pent up tension, not ideal but precious all the same.

Roskilde is so cool, the weather is scorching hot, the gig is shockingly good, the crowd hardcore music fans who make the atmosphere one of the best ever then its back on the bus down to Belgium for Rock Wercher festival.

I am waiting on the bus for him as everyone is getting stage ready, he comes in, drags me into the junk room, desperate kisses in the dark.

'I need you all to myself.' he moans into my mouth 'this is no good,' more kissing 'need to have you,' sucking into my collarbone, 'want you Harry, so much.' tongue sweeping down my neck, gasps escaping me, so hard for him, I press my thigh into him, feel his heat too, he ruts forward for more pressure, welping at the touch.

'After Hop farm, please come and stay with me.' his hands roaming over my body, his mouth capturing my nipple and tugging hard with his teeth, soothing with his tongue, sending shockwaves to my poor throbbing dick.

'You sure you won't get sick of me?'

'I won't get sick of you Harry.' he sighs, 'I have never wanted to spend time with someone like I want to with you.'

'Ok, if you want me to, ok, I will.'

My hands have his fly open in seconds and I slide down the wall and capture him, hear the primal noise escape his lips as I take him greedily, no let up, needing him, hearing him respond to me, he comes so rapidly, sliding to the floor, 'sorry I..umm..shit Haz, that was umm...'

I kiss him, silencing his apology. He reaches for my fly 'No time..' I sigh. 'Fuck that, there's time.' he pants and I have my very own rapid orgasm.

Belgium to Kent we go, loving Hop Farm, such a throwback festival with a retro feel and such a fantastic gig.

Back on the bus and the short journey up to London, we had already dropped it into conversation that I was going to stay with Louis during this break because my Mum had no bed for me at home and I had the most massive butterflies packing up and getting ready to be alone with him. Scared and nervous but oh so excited.

 

We hit London at 2am, we jump straight into a cab after saying our goodbyes, eyes talking, secret smiles.

We arrive at his house, dump the cases and shower together in his bathroom, lime shower gel, coconut shampoo, slippy hands and hard cocks makes for sweaty messy boys in the shower and more of that lime shower gel is needed.

Knackered we fall into bed, he spoons his back into me, my arm over his waist, hand splayed over his belly, feels so so good having him next to me, skin on skin.

'Mmm feels nice.' he mutters, sleepy voice.'

I drop a kiss onto his shoulderblade, his skin, sunkissed and silky 'night love.' I whisper. He squeezes my hand and is fast asleep in seconds.

Morning brings snuggles, blowjobs and me in the kitchen making a full english and 2 suitcases on the floor being sorted for wash loads. I'm loving it, love domesticity, radio playing, windows and doors open, sun shining and Louis sat at the counter chatting to me, reading his messages, tweeting and talking to his mum on the phone, just blissful.

'What you wanna do today?' he asks.

'Nothing, absolutely nothing, just get the cases sorted, chill out, ignore my emails and maybe swim in your pool.'

'I can get Margaret to sort the cases leave them..'

'Noooooo.' I reply alarmed 'I love doing shit like this, let me fanny about Lou, I love it honest.'

He grins and shakes his head 'weirdo, who likes unpacking?'

'Me.' I laugh.

The bacon is crisp the sausages nicely browned the eggs over easy and the hash browns crunchy but fluffy, all ready to plate up, tea brewed and we carry it out to his conservatory, chatting and eating, not a care in the world.

'5 bloody days of this, you can't feed me like this every morning Styles I will be a little fat piggy by T in the Park next week.'

'I don't care and anyway I have plenty of exercise planned for you.' as I spear a sausage onto my fork and eat it suggestively.

We polish the plates off and sit drinking our tea.

'You happy Lou?' I dare to ask.

'Harold, I am very happy, loving life doncha know.'

I smile

'What about you Haz?' He chews his nail, eyeing me.

'The happiest I have ever been in my life Louis.'

I throw myself into the washing, music blasting, terrible dancing round the kitchen.

Louis sunbathes, swims and makes me a gorgeous smoothie.

'Right enough of all this Cinderella, I want you with me now, leave this come and swim.'

We mess about in the pool and lay in the sun, drinking beer, chatting shit, loving life.

We have a quiet night in, I make steak and salad and we are watching TV in bed by 9pm.

'My kitchen has never seen so much action.'

'Bet Margaret was shocked at your shopping delivery this time, not just snacks but actual food to cook.'

He laughs 'she texted me and said I think this Tesco delivery is wrong Louis, so much food.'

I laugh 'I love cooking and messing about around the house and this house is so gorgeous its a pleasure to cook and clean.'

'I dunno Haz, cooking and cleaning and laundry and bed by 9, so rock n roll.'

'Hey normal people have boring work lives and lively downtime, we are the opposite, batshit crazy worklife and peaceful downtime.'

'S'pose so.' he nods, bites his lip, pounces like a ninja, pins me to the bed 'and fucking shit hot sex life.'

Its everything and more, we just connect, sex is just electrifying but the mind connection is even more, I crave him, his touch is everything to me but his eyes, his soul make it complete.

 

We are in a heap, on the bed, him still on top of me, slicked with sweat, bruises line my collarbone, his too, fingerprints emblazed on his hips.

He moves a curl from my forehead, traces his finger down my face, along my jaw, cups my face and kisses me.

My heart feels too big for my chest, its fluttering so badly, feels like its missing beats and then pounding like a steam train to catch up, just looking at his flushed face makes it worse, so much worse.

'Louis, I..I umm...I love it here with you.' I chicken out, terrified of freaking him out, I can't burden my ridiculous heart on him I really can't, just need to live for the moment.

'I love having you here.' he whispers, pulling me in, snuggling me tight, we fall asleep like this, content and happy.

I am awake first the next morning, shower and dress and go and start breakfast, I open my laptop and cringe at the amount of work emails I have, I skim through the unimportant ones, stopping off to read the ones that catch my eye, 3 in particular are that they are invited to the VMA's in August in New York, that they have secured a US tour for the Autumn to be announced in the lead up to the VMA's and promo around it and that in turn I have been offered an extended contract for a further 3 months until November.

Damn.

Head fuck right there.

My main push for taking Ben's job was that at least it was a job, but here I was, thown a slight lifeline with the extension.

But Ben's was a real job, contract, permanent, this was still temporary.

Louis comes bounding in, wet hair, just in his pants, 'We got the nod for the VMA's and a TOUR.' he shouts.

'I know I know so happy.' I hug him, swing him round, 'But look, you can't come down here looking like that, fucking you whilst trying to cook sausages doesn't really work.'

He throws his head back and laughs.

'One day Styles, you will multitask in that way I will make sure.'

He jumps up onto the worktop, I stand inbetween his legs.

'Morning gorgeous.' I kiss him.

'Morning sexy.' he grins.

'You got any news then?'

He points to the laptop.

'They've offered me an extension of my contract for 3 months.'

His eyebrows shoot up.

'Oh..'

'Mmm..'

He doesn't push me, doesn't try and sway me.

We eat in the conservatory.

'What do you wanna do today?' he asks.

'Anything, you chose.'

'Shopping.' he grins.

We drive over to Westfield, he is a demon shopper, a natural, he loves it, I'd jumped in the pool and knackered my old watch the previous day so wanted to look for a new one, I spotted one in a jewelers.

'Can I just pop in there to buy that watch?'

'Come on then.'

We go in and I ask to look at it, I like it, looks ok, he doesn't agree.

'Try that one.' he says pointing at one ridiculously more expensive than mine.

I shake my head 'I'll take this one please.' I say to the man.

'Let me buy you it.' he pleads, hurt look on his face.

'Please Louis, I really don't need one that expensive, I will knacker it, £80 is more than enough for clumsy me.'

'I want to buy you a nice watch, to remember me with when you're in New York.'

I swallow, tears threaten to prick my eyes, can't actually speak, shake my head but he takes no notice.

'Please Haz, try it on.'

I do, its beautiful but how can I accept this?

I look at him, he's excited, eyes shining, pleading with me.

'Ok.' I smile 'thank you.'

He's so happy.

He buys jeans, t shirts, shorts, shirts, jackets, shoes, underwear.

We are laden down with bags, he was just piling things onto the counter, such a spendaholic.

I buy a couple of nice shirts, a new black blazer and a pair of converse to wear with shorts.

We make it back to the car in one piece, drive out to Hertforshire, find a quaint country pub, have a gorgeous lunch, chatting.

'Thank you for my watch, you know I won't dare wear it don't you?'

'Please.' he shakes his head 'I loved buying you that, I really wanted to spoil you today but thought I had pushed my luck with the watch.'

I side eye him 'I love it Lou.'

We drive back, he's admiring all the country houses, slowing down and being nosy, looking over hedges at pretty cottages and sprawling estates, horses and tractors.

The time flies by, we don't move out very much but are never bored, never short of conversation, make each other laugh, on the same wavelength, like the same TV programmes, the same humour. The only time I leave his side is to go for a run when I feel like a lazy bones getting hardly any exercise and eating too much.

'Thanks for letting me stay.' I sigh, dragging the cases down to the door.

He grabs me, kisses me 'perfect week Harry, thank you for staying, best time ever.'

We leave to meet the others to go up to Scotland for T in the Park, excited for the rest of the summer but sad to leave the sanctuary of his home.

Things get bigger and better for them, they score a number 1 in the UK with their latest single, a top 10 in the USA and people are sitting up and taking note of 17 Black.

More and more shows are added, more TV, more radio, more promo.

More stories start to appear in the tabloids, old photos dug up, stories rehashed, conquests spilling tales about their sexual encounters. Louis was flavour of the month with story after story of nights in hotels, backstage and in the back of tour buses. He was in Nuts and FHM branded shagger of the year, a 'lads lad', 'ladies man', 'one of the boys.'

Their PR company loved it, all publicity was welcomed, people talked about them, good or bad it didn't matter as long as they were being talked about.

'I look like a right twat.' he complained to me one night after yet another kiss and tell was published in a trashy mag.

'Sex sells Lou, its raising your profile and piquing interest, let them talk, you are such a legend now.' I wink at him, he frowns.

'Not sure I like all this to be honest.'

We travel to Spain, do a few gigs and then do Benicassim festival, the weather is scorching hot, the vibe amazing and we have a blast.

We do a mini tour of Skandanavia, Norway, Sweden, Finland and Denmark with a special spectacular mini festival spot in Reykjavik Iceland.

We grab precious moments together, always sneak into his hotel room and cherish alone time.

Its the end of July before we know it, we have a few days off scheduled before a very full on August and he has already asked me to stay with him, I promise I will but my mum is also desparate to see me so with a bit of trepidation I ask him one night

'Would you come up to Holmes Chapel to see my mum with me?'

He looks shocked, bites his lip 'dunno Haz, umm not sure I erm, its just a bit, umm..'

I nod 'Ok Lou, it was just a thought.'

He pulls me closer, snuggles his head into my neck, sucking lightly on my shoulder.

'I could go and visit my mum and then drive over to pick you up and we could drive back down to London maybe?'

I kiss his cheek, 'great idea.'

The tourbus drops us in London, midday the next day, we get a taxi to his house, pick his car up and drive up North to our respective parents, he drops me in Holmes Chapel late afternoon, we say our goodbyes and off he goes, walking up the path, missing him already.

My mum grabs me in a huge hug, so pleased to see me, sweeps all my hair off my face, her hands on my cheeks, looks at me.

'I've missed you so much.' and grabs me back in for a hug.

We sit at the table, her sorting my case out, drinking tea, catching up with all the news.

Gemma and Robin arrive home and we all sit talking, eating chinese take away and drinking ice cold corona in the garden until late.

I go up to my room and text Louis.

'Bed feels too big without you, missing you, you had a good time Lou?'

He replies a few minutes later.

'Hey babe, had a lovely time, just going to bed, shattered, missing you too pick you up about 8pm ok x?'

'Yeah, for sure, sweet dreams xx.'

'Dream of me?'

'How did you know?'

'The feeling is mutual xxxx.'

He arrives a bit earlier than he said the next evening.

We were all sat in the garden, music on, beer in hand, chatting while Robin stands barbequing, already full from too many steaks and burgers.

He rings the doorbell and I jump up and run to the door.

'Come in, have a seat 5 minutes,' I smile.

He looks gorgeous, denim cutoffs, tanned legs, black tank showing his arms and chest, his skin a gorgeous deep bronze, his hair flicky and bouncy, shades on, my mouth goes dry just looking at him.

'Hi Louis.' My mum smiles, she hugs him he kisses her cheek.

'Mrs Twist, nice to meet you at last, I feel like I know you so well how Harry speaks about you.'

'Its Anne, Please, and yes, likewise, Harry has spoken lots about you too, your family ok Louis?'

They chatter for a while, Robin brings him a hotdog to munch on and the conversations flows.

We get on the road 8.30pm, we chat all the way down, he rests his hand on my thigh, heat sparks from his touch, his quick glances over, I am so gone for him, I lift his hand, kiss his fingers, make suggestive promises for later, see him swallow, shake his head and smile.

His familiar gates come into view, we drive in, it feels comfortable, safe.

'Leave the cases, we'll get them in the morning.'

His voice husky, his eyes telling me exactly what he wants.

'I need you.' He breathes as he locks the door, kissing me hungrily, leading me upstairs, walking backwards so he can look at me, leading me, his face so wanton, such thirst.

He makes sweet love to me, slow and sensual then hot and mindblowing, face to face, kissing and whispering needy thoughts, kisses, eyes talking, making his mark on my body, his touch, his words and then turning me over and fucking me into the matress, screaming my name as he explodes into me, collapsing onto my back, as I lay in a puddle of my own come and sweat, utterly spent, my heart so full of love I can heardly breath.

We stay in, treasure our time alone, knowing its rapidly coming to an end.

We finally sit down and chose me a new apartment from the ones Ben sent.

'Don't share Haz.' he pleads 'I want to know its just us when I get over to see you.'

We settle on a loft apartment, with a doorman, old wood, beams and character and in a nice area and dismiss the clinical skyscraper apartment and the shared ones.

I email Ben with the choice, it starts him off emailing me a few times that day, Louis is sighing and rolling his eyes at his contact, I laugh and poke him in the ribs 'hey now no need to be jealous, its you I..' I falter, bite my lip, my mouth running away with me.

His eyes snap up, question me.

'Its you i want to be with.' I quickly detract.

I borow his car and go shopping, buy baking products and spend the afternoon baking muffins and cookies and then we spend the evening watching trashy TV and eating the baking in bed.

Last day before we go back on tour, its a stunning day, gorgeous weather, he gets the goal posts and nets out of his garage and we play footbal in his huge back garden, we fire up the barbie and cook delicious steaks and eat and drink beer with the music playing and the sun beating down, both so tanned, his beautiful face so sunkissed.

' _Alabama Arkansas_..' he sings, I smile, ' _home is whenever I'm with you._ ' I smile.

We cool down in the pool and then play FIFA until bedtime when we make the very most of our last night and only get to sleep when the sun is rising.

'Back to reality.' he sighs as his alarm wakes us up at 9am.

'Its been lovely though Lou, can't complain.'

He nods, pulls me in, snuggling down.

'Suppose if we skip breakfast we might just be able t..'

I don't let him get any more words out, my need for him is constant and I jump at the chance, sitting with my back to his headboard I pull him onto my lap, he rides me slow and sensual, arms wrapped around each other, shaking and crying out until we both collapse back onto the bed, panting and contented.

We pack up and head for Heathrow, cars come for us as we are on the 5pm flight to Chicago for a small warm up show at the House of blues before their appearance at Lollapalooza.

Anticipation is high, their profile in the US is much higher than their last time there and they have lots of promo set up for them whilst they are there.

A couple of radio interviews are first and then its dinner and bed in preparation for the gig tomorrow.

I sneak into his room, too tired to do anything but spoon and fall asleep.

The next day an entertainment channel is in town for the festival and they pop down to interview them and hang out at the show and do a review, lots of press there makes for a nervous foursome and a frazzled team.

Xander has done a blinding job on outfits, keeping them cool and relevant.

The gig is a massive success, a crowd of people wait at the back doors to try and meet them, they spend the best part of an hour signing merch and taking photos.

There is lots of parties in the city for all the bands in town, we chose one and head there, its a fabulous night, lots of beautiful people, drinks and music.

I sneak into his room as the sun is rising and he is on his knees for me before I am even through the door.

The festival is epic, the weather perfect, they wow the crowds and come off stage more pumped than I have ever seen them.

Liam is overwhelmed and very emotional, Zayn at his side, Louis and Niall like a wind up toys bouncing off the walls.

We go for dinner and to a party, the press are there too, lots of networking, I watch him work his charm on the people he comes intio contact with, men and women are natually attracted to him, they want to be his friend, hang out, be in his company, he is funny, warm and charismatic.

'Everyone loves you, there wasn't a person in that room that wasn't lusting after you.' I sigh as he lays in my arms much later.

'Well what can I say, with my sparkling personality and shit hot body I am constantly fighting of the chicks and dudes.' he teases.

'Hang on, might need a bigger bed for this massive head I seem to be cuddling up to.'

He kisses me 'you best make the most of me then before you run off to New York and leave me in the clutches of these lustful people.'

I poke him in the ribs 'Mine Tommo.' I mutter against his lips.

We fly to Hungary for Sziget festival, then onto Oslo for the OYA festival, down to Belgium for Pukkelpop where Aiden meets up with us again, so happy to see him he is a welcome distraction from the full on travelling, we have a great time catching up, Louis takes more time to chat with him this time and they get on like a house on fire. We are acutely aware that my contract is rapidly coming to an end but I can't bring myself to dwell on this and just have to take each day as it comes.

We fly back to the UK for both dates at V Festival, we get 2 days at home and one day in the London office preparing outfits for the awards. They smash Leeds and Reading festival and then hotfoot it over to New York for the VMA's.

They keep to their image and don't dress up too much for the awards, Louis looks effortless in a Joy Division Tee, chucks and skinnies, Liam in snapback, tee and jeans with a shirt wrapped around his hips, Niall in baseball jacket and black jeans and Nike hitops and Zayn in leather jacket, boots and jeans. We have to walk the red carpet with them and for the first time I am nervous about what to wear.

I know I aren't the famous one but still, I feel like people will be judging and there is always these fashion police things analysing everything.

'Help me chose a shirt.' I whine to Louis, 'I feel like I am under scrutiny too.'

'Actually Haz, I have something.' He dives back to his room and comes back with a shirt, I had completely forgotten he bought it, it was the one from Burberry all those weeks ago, its black with white hearts on.

'I bought this for you, I was a bit scared to give you it but knew it would come in handy, it was never for me that's why I have never worn it, its yours Harry.'

He hands over the gorgeous shirt, in my size.

'Louis, I can't..its..'

I'm lost for words, shake my head, disbelief.

'Please Haz, it's yours, it was never mine, always yours.'

I slip it on, it fits so well, I look at him through the mirror, he's smiling.

Xander comes breezing in, my room being the designated meeting place for last minute touch ups of hair and makeup.

'Whoa nice shirt Haz.'

Xander whistles, 'Burberry yeah?'

'Umm yeah, splashed out a bit.'

'Quality Harry, good choice mate.' he grins.

The others arrive, hair is sprayed and shine is blotted and off we all go, nerves are plenty for the red carpet and the show.

They are effortlessly cool, the crowd goes wild for them, they do endless press and evenutally take their seats.

They win 'Artists to watch.' they are thrilled. They get to mingle with the elite from pop, rock and hip hop and afterwards party with them at the coolest aftershow, cheekily make it my leaving party as well, so drunk, have such a great night.

We go to bed as most people hit the city to work.

They have one or two more bits of promo to go and thats it then, they are off for almost 3 weeks to prepare for the US tour.

'Wanna come look at the apartment?' I ask him as we wake up mid afternoon, hungover and dishevelled from drunken sex that morning.

'Yeah of course, can we stay there a few days? is it all yours yet?'

I make a few calls and find out it is mine from now if I want it so arrange to pick the keys up, the rent has already been paid to hold it for me.

I sneak through our handy connecting door, ruffle my bed up and take a shower before the post awards press call at 5pm.

One last radio interview and then the guys pack up and check out to fly off, Liam and Zayn have chartred a yatch in the South of France for the week and Niall is heading to Ireland for his Nephews christening and then a family holiday in Australia.

They hug their goodbyes, Louis telling them he is heading home in a few days after some shopping in the big apple.

We pack up, check out ourselves and grab a cab, my stomach in knots, worrying if I will like my new home.

Its gorgeous, open plan kitchen, living room and diner with wooden floors, beams, huge windows, a balcony, one sunny and bright bedroom and large bathroom. It's fully furnished, clean and new and It feels homely and safe. We stroll to the store, buy essentials, cook egg on toast and fall into bed shattered.

The next day we explore the area a bit, eat a delicious brunch in a diner and go for an afternoon nap that ends up with wonderful afternoon sex, christening the new bed in style.

We dress up and hit the town, wanting to party tonight, we find some lively bars, have shots and cocktails and wander off to the next one, we eventually stumble on a bar with a rainbow flag outside.

'You up for it?' I question.

'Why not.' he grins, tipsy and carefree.

The music is so loud, classic Katy Perry playing, bodies close and sweaty on the dancefloor, we throw ourselves in there, ' _let's run away and don't ever look back_.' she sings and we sing too, his leg laces through mine, my crotch pushed up against his right hip, his against my right thigh, grinding, my hands low on his back, his around my neck, he leans in, lips on my neck, under my ear, alcohol making him brave, his teeth scrape down my pulse point making me shudder, lips on my neck, my hands pull him in closer, can feel his heat, his swell, so erotic having such a massive boner in public. KP changes to Gaga which changes to Daft punk ' _I'm up all night to get lucky_.' We sing to each other, grinning like fools, loving the vibe, the freedom. Miley can't stop and she won't stop I know how she feels, Tegan and Sara, Closer, the room erupts, such a great song, ' _I want you close, I want you_.' we dance and grind and sing. Its the early hours, the sun is coming up, the music winds down, the jumping bodies turn into swaying bodies, Justin sings to us, ' _I don't wanna lose you now, I'm looking right at the other half of me.._ ' we sing to each other, he pulls me in, head on my shoulder, mine on his head, lips whisper near his ear, he brings his mouth up, butterfly kisses on my neck, breathing the words in my ear, _'you are you are the love of my life, you are you are the love of my life_.' I sing them back to him, bodies barely moving, just holding onto each other, time standing still, heart thumping, too big for my chest, the words might not mean anything but for this moment, they do, the spark undeniable. So wrapped up are we that we never once saw the phone camera go off, never once saw the person get closer and closer, never once thought we were being videoed, never once felt under scrutiny, never once thought our lives were about to shatter into a million pieces, that every gossip site would be running the photos and videos within minutes of them hitting the web, that Louis would trend on Twitter worldwide for being wrapped around me, that we would have countless voicemails and messages on our long forgotten phones from everyone, sat back watching our night unfold in minute by minute media being uploaded to everywhere, blogged and reblogged, instagrammed and tweeted.

 

*****

2 weeks later

*****

The pain is a physical pain, don't let anyone tell you any different, the ache in my chest is constant, the hollow nagging in my stomach is constant, the throb in my head is constant.

I can't cry any more tears, I think to myself as I see a reminder and they start again, smell a smell, see my phone background picture, each time I look at my watch, each time I feel my airplane necklace, just constant reminders. 

Every morning my head is thumping before I even open my eyes, that feeling of emptiness still there, it wasn't a dream, I am still in a living hell he really has gone, really has left me and I feel like my life is a worthless black hole, each morning is groundhog day, waking up and reliving the hell that is life without Louis.

The fallout from that nightstill painful to think about, the realisation, the feeling of dread, seeing the panic in his eyes, the phone calls, the boys supportive as ever, management heavily guiding his confused state of mind, his total disconnection, needing to act fast, taking over his tweets they put out denials, it was a 'drunken farewell party for his openly gay ex assistant tour manager,' he had to 'get with it and embrace the vibe.' that he had an 'ace night,' but he was just doing 'whatever was needed of him to support his pal at this emotional time of switching jobs and homes.

'I'm not ready for all this.' is what he said to me, stone faced, cold and withdrawn as his eyes sweep over the sensationalisation of our lives, headlines such as 'Bisexual singer spotted in gay bar in New York.' 'Gay Louis outed on social network as he kisses his assistant.'  He hastily packed up and left in a cab for the airport, barely a look back, not even a kiss goodbye.

I sit numb in the apartment, its unfamiliar, its lonely and I need to be home.

I fly to Manchester the next day, Mum waiting for me, I wallow in my old room, texting Louis, 'I need you.'

He clearly doesn't need me.

'Talk to me.'

I hear nothing.

'I miss you so much. 

Still nothing.

Zayn and Liam come up when they get back from France, said they had suspicions about us. I am terrible company but they are amazing, they let me cry and say things I want to hear, that he is shocked, he will see sense soon, he just needs time.

I give him time, still hear nothing, then the pictures start emerging, him coming out of clubs with girls, him in cars with girls, him on the street shopping with girls, kissing girls, holding their hands, I hit the bottle.

I don't analyse the pictures, don't see the dead eyes, the false smiles, I can't bear to look too closely but others do, others see he isn't happy. All I know is he's been away from me for two weeks and my chest has caved in with heartache and lonliness, The only relief is oblivion by way of vodka, it stops the wheels from constantly turning, masks the pain, the searing stab when I see him with someone else, I can't remember his smell when I am wasted, can't remember how his lips feel, how he tastes, how he makes me feel.

The boys keep in touch, tell me he won't speak about any of it, brick wall they call it, but they have to get on, have to prepare for the upcoming tour.

I meanwhile cling on to his sweatshirt every night, relive those precious times at his house, in hotel rooms around the world where it was just us two, not a care in the world or so I thought. How can he just go? How can he not feel something? Did he never have any strong feelings for me? Was it simply physical and easy to walk away from? 

They go to American, begin the tour, Florida, Texas, Georgia, Tennassee...

I have to sort myself out, Ben has been amazing, he contacted me, said he realised exactly what had happened, that I should take as long as I need, but that throwing myself into the job might just help a little, I agree. I play a role, pretend I am ok to Mum, that I am coping, knowing that going to New York means I am at least on the same continent as him spurs me on, I convince everyone I'm fine and leave with an emotional farewell at the airport.

I settle in and meet my team at Island, every day I survive, just about, every night I search you tube, watch him perform, drink and cry. How is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

I have to go out some nights to see bands, it helps, not sat wallowing on the internet, chasing his every move.

It doesn't help that they are huge, that they smashing it every single night, how dare he be ok, how can these last 3 months have meant nothing, how dare he not be in pain?

Ben flies over, I am quite glad of the company, he takes me out to dinner, is a great listener a great friend, doesn't pass judgement, is kind and helpful and expects nothing from me. They lease me a car, he takes me out, gets me used to driving on the opposite side of the road.

We go see bands, no one we feel like approaching with a view to maybe signing them but its making the days and nights pass by quicker and I know that in a few short days they will be in town, HE will be in town, one date in New Jersey and two nights at Terminal 5 in Manhatten.

'We really should check out their support band you know.'

Ben suggests to me.

'Mmmm maybe.' I breeze, knowing exactly who he means, my brain can't cope with thinking about that, stomach churning, hands shaking.

The morning I know he is near dawns, I have slept badly, hearing him say my name, thinking its real, that he is here, sitting up in bed, straining my ears, thinking I heard him, even opening the door, checking the hallways, stepping onto the balcony to check the street, no one is there.

I'm first in work, coffee in hand, knowing I look like shit, feeling like shit.

I throw myself into work, a band comes in to sign on, I sit in, watch Ben in action just how it used to be only I take a more active role, their excitement and enthusiasm is infectious and my mood is lifted slightly by their lust for life.

Ben leaves me to work and I check my phone, Niall has texted me, wanting to meet up in New York when they arrive, I've not seen Niall since the VMA's would love to see him.

'Katz Deli, 1pm tomorrow be there.' he texts me.

'You're on mate.'

The afternoon passes slowly, can't concentrate and eventually I pack up and head home telling Ben I have a migraine and that I will see him in the morning.

I shower and put on sweats, laptop open but staring into space. 45 minutes down the road, thats all he is, I could go, my IDJ press pass would get me in, stand at the back, watch him.

Temptation overwhelms me, I quickly change, google the venue, get the address for the sat nav and before I chicken out I get dressed and set off.

Its scary as hell, dark and unfamiliar roads, my heart is beating so fast, my mouth so dry, LOUIS LOUIS LOUIS my head screams.

I park up, the support band are just leaving the stage, their goodbyes echoing around the carpark through the walls, I sit and wait, don't want anyone seeing me, the crew especially, I don't want tales going back to him and it affecting his state of mind.

The opening bars strike up, 'Good evening Starland Ballroom.' his unmistakable voice screams out.

I open the car door and vomit on the floor, tears in my eyes, him inside this building.

I calm myself, lock the car and make my way over, my pass works and in I go, eyes straining to see him, realise I am holding my breath, seeing stars, feeling faint, dizzy, sick.

My boys, my summer, all there on that stage, Zayn, beautifully moody and striking. Niall, vibrant and magnificent. Liam, powerful and strong. Louis, my eyes dare to look, the pain so real, he's there, hair longer, face more angular, the moves are there, the voice, head thown back, pitch perfect but maybe the zing not quite there, no one else would notice, maybe I am imagining it, maybe I want it to be gone, want him to be going though the motions, just like I am every minute of every day.

The crowd love them though, belting out song after song. They always do a cover and tonight it is dedicated to The Boss, who else could they cover in New Jersey?

The place erupts, _'In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream.._ '

I step into the crowd, let my body be jostled, thrown as the crowd goes wild, I scream the words, let it all out, the emotion, the anger, the loss, the heartbreak, the tears, finding refuge in a sweaty mosh pit.

 _'We gotta get out while we're young `Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run_ '

Lost in the music, I keep watching him, edging closer, can see his eyes now, see the blankness, the smiles never reach them, tired, dull, mechanical.

I'm 4 or 5 rows back, lost in the crowd, lost in him.

Glow, last song, last chance to watch him, I drink him in, barely blinking, needing to prolong the moment.

'We GLOWWWWWW'

The house lights go up, spotlights on the crowd, I forgot this part, rooted to the spot, in his eyeline, he sweeps the crowd.

'We GLOWWWWWW.'

 

His last words ring out, eyes centre, they lock into mine, seconds tick by, nothingness, blank, cold, empty.

I want to run, escape the pain, crowd cheering, screaming, I hear a voice, haunted, tortured 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.'

Its my voice.

The sound lost in the deafening crowd, but he sees it, its not just a word leaving my lips its a story, minutes, hours, days and weeks of sorrow, heartbreak, longing, lost tonight. I see the breath leave his mouth, see his whole body change, he slumps to the ground, legs give way under him, his face crumpled the others run to him, Cal running on, I back out, eyes on him but getting further away until they lead him off, the concern tangible.

I reach the door, the cool air hitting my damp skin, heart choking me, too big for my chest.

I slump into the car, see Niall come out, look around, know he is looking for me, I duck down, the crowd spot him he has to retreat.

I start the car and go, hating myself for coming, seeing the dead dull eyes, the blankness when he saw me, he really has wiped me out.

Huge sobs escape me, my breathing all wrong, sucking air in, too fast, too harsh.

I panic and drive off, I lose my way a bit, pull over, try and control the hyperventilating, my shaking, my fear, minutes tick by, turn on the radio, try and flood my mind with music and set the sat nav for home, eventually the city lights draw me in, I'm back, key in and I slump to the floor.

Tears flow, hope lost, the last thread broken tonight.

I slide my phone out of my pocket, texts and missed calls from the guys.

'Was it me? Was I there?'

I ignore them.

The shower washes away the smell of the gig, the reminder I was there.

I turn my phone off and fall into bed, exhaustion taking over, but sleep not letting me escape as I dream of his cold eyes.

The noise rouses me, I sit up, presume its a dream again and slump back down only it happens again, the buzz of my door, the clock telling me its 3.25am.

'Hullo.' I croak into the speaker, voice fucked.

'Its me..' is all he says, tired, weary.

Fear hits me, he's come to shout, to tell me to leave him alone.

'I'm sorry, I just needed to see, I get it, I saw, you hate me, I won't come again, sorry.'

'Let me in Harry.' he sighs, 'I umm need to talk to you.'

I click the button, unlock my door and lose my vision, black spots dance in my eyes, fear, pain, anxiety.

Drop to the floor, clutch my legs, head on my knees and wait for the bollocking, dreading it.

The door opens, deep sigh and feel a shuffling next to me, feel him sit on the floor too.

'Hey.' his voice tired, quiet, raspy, his smell taking my breath away, a learned feeling of warmth, of love, of home.

I dare to lift my head, 'Hey.' only half the sound coming out, eyes sweep over him, he looks pale, drawn, exhausted.

'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out tonight, I.....I just..umm it was too much thinking of you less than an hour away, it was selfish, I'm sorry.' 

'No, no don't..' He pleads, 'It's...' he stand up, offers his hand to me, I reach out, fingers wrap around my wrist, pull me up, pull me to him, he hugs me, no intent, just comfort, its heartbreaking how we fit, how we just fold into each other, I breath him in, a sob escapes.

He leads us to the sofa, sits down, still holding on, I slide to his side, needing the contact, his arm round me, my head against his side.

We just sit for a long time, I feel calmer but scared, why is he here?

He eventually shifts, I sit up, look at him, hardly believing he is here, looking into those eyes again.

'Can I go for a wee Haz?' Hearing him say my nickname kills me.

'Ye..yeah of course.' I jump up, point, but he knows.

'Tea?' 

'Mmm yeah ok.' he nods.

Hands shaking I fill the kettle and busy myself, body buzzing with adrenaline.

He walks out, slides up on the stool in the kitchen, watches me, my hands shake, I smile at him nervously, pour two cups and hand him his.

'Thanks.'

'How've you been.' I mutter.

'I'm a mess Harry.' he admits, my eyes snap to his, pain fill my chest.

'But...you just forgot me.'

'Harry I didn't forget you..I know it seems like...its... the pain of not seeing you was my punishment.'

'But you just got on with your life, turned a page, left me behind.' my voice becoming louder, frustrated, 'girls, clubs, kissing..' louder and louder I get.

'No, no it didn't mean anything.' He stresses.

'Like me then, I don't mean anything.' My hand pulling at my hair.

'Don't say that.' he whispers, 'please.'

'You left me, alone, confused, empty, broken, it meant NOTHING, you just got on with your life.' My voice breaks, tears flow.

'I don't have a life Harry, not a life, this isn't living.' He cries.

'Why?'

'Because I am just existing, I blocked you out, wouldn't allow myself to think about you, it was a great punishment.' he shakes his head, hollow laugh.

'Punishment, you keep saying punishment?' I shake my head.

'Of course punishment, I hate myself.' his face twisted with emotion 'I'm a useless arsehole, everything I love goes, leaves me or I fuck it up, it was inevitable, how did I ever think I could be happy.' his voice breaking with emotion 'too afraid to face the press, with a man by my side I throw it all away, the best thing that has ever happened to me, because I am a fucking useless coward.' He wipes his eyes on his sleeve.

'I erased you, blanked you out of my mind, only allowing myself to remember you in the cold hours of the night, after no sleep again, aching to feel you, touch you, the pain searing my heart but I wouldn't have coped, taught myself to forget.' he shakes his head, 'I went through the motions, did the PR shit they wanted me to do and accepted the pain of losing you as my penance for being a gutless arse.'

'Please Louis don't.'

'No, I need to explain, I was coping, in my bubble, robotic, going through the motions, surviving but not living until last night.' he cries,

'I saw you in that crowd, I often see you in a crowd, see your face, blink and you've gone, but last night you were there, anger surfaced at my stupid brain playing tricks on me, but you didn't go after I blinked, you were there, were real, those eyes, that face, back to haunt me, looking as fucked up as I am, all my fault, my fucking fault.' 

'No please.' I cry.

'It broke me tonight, seeing you, the misery, the loss, the pain, all tumbled out destroyed me,'

I move round, sit on the other stool, reach out to touch him, scared to do so.

He looks up, takes the hand I reached out, envelopes it in both of his.

'I can't run and hide forever.' he whispers 'I need to sort my fucking self out.'

I nod.

'But I just need to sleep, to hold you, be next to you, can I do that Haz?'

'Ok.'

Scared for my sanity, if he walks away again, how will I go on?

We slide off the stools, he keeps my hand in his, we walk to the bedroom, he zips off his hoody and falls into bed.

'I haven't slept properly since..' his voice tails off.

'Me neither.' I clear my throat.

'Can we at least be friends, if nothing else, friends, civil to each other, talk to each other?'

He nods, 'I missed you so much.'

Entwined in each other we fall asleep, in a semi aware state, knowing he is there, never letting go.

The alarm clock wakes me, he groans and tries to keep hold of me but I have to go to work.

Scared he'll go, the cold light of morning not filling me with hope, going through the motions of shower and dressing, he is half awake on the bed, watching me flit about in and out. I turn my phone on, message after message flashes up, the last few from the guys asking how we both were.

I quicky reply to Liam, tell him we talked a bit but that I was in a rush for work.

I go back in the bedroom, still not used to seeing him there.

'I have to go now, what do you want me to do?'

'Can I meet you for lunch?'

'I was supposed to be meeting Niall at Katz.'

He nods.

'But I can put him off if you want?'

'I want.'

'Ok, I have to go.'

He nods.

'Can I stay here a bit?'

'Of course but let Cal and the boys know where you are.'

he nods 'I will.'

I stand, bite my lip nervously.

'Harry I promise I won't disappear.

'Ok, good.'

'I'll come and meet you, I'll text you ok?'

'Ok.'

I smile and walk off, terrified, unsure but have no choice.

True to his word he texts me.

'I'll be outisde your lobby at 1pm x.'

'Ok x'

I text Niall and cancel lunch, he is fine, sends smiley faces back to me.

I message Ben, tell him I might be meeting Louis for lunch, he is soon in my office.'

'Whats happened.' his face quite soft.

I briefly explain what I did, what happened.

'Why didn't you take me, I hate to think of you driving down there alone.'

'I wasn't even going, I was settled at home, I got there as they walked on stage.'

He nods 'so now what, you look like shit Harry.'

'I know I do, I had a fucking terrible night.' I rasp.

'Go home, go talk, sort this fucking mess out, we are going to check out their support band tonight, I'll message you later, meet you somewhere.'

'Ben, I can't just go..'

'Go..' he insists.

I get up, hug him, thank him, grab my stuff and leave.

I let myself in, he is asleep still in my bed, clutching my pillow to him, I indulge in a few minutes of just absorbing the sight, his hair fanned on the pillow, his mouth slightly open, eyelashes casting a shadow, how the hell do they do that?

I step out of my clothes, boxers on, slip in beside him, take my pillow away and he just scoops me in, a smile plays on his lips.

'Home.' he murmers.

'Yeah I'm home.' I whisper, 'go back to sleep.'

Its 2pm before we rouse, I wake up to find him staring at me.

'Not a dream then.' he croaks.

'Not a dream.'

'I'm sorry for barging in here last night, I was out of my mind.'

'S'ok, I...it needs to be done, one way or another.' I sigh.

'But Louis what time is soundcheck?'

'Dunno, don't care.'

'Cal will be in a tizz, whats my replacement like?'

'He's boring.'

'Louis.' I stifle a giggle.

'He is, doesnt like FIFA, doesn't come out with us, doesn't give me blow jobs before a gig.'

My mouth drops open.

'Sack him immediately, what a useless knob.'

'I know, rookie mistake.'

He looks at me 'I'm sorry.'

'Please stop saying that.'

'I'm so..' he grins, pokes me in the ribs.

'Need a wee.'

He jumps up, I watch him walk, rub my eyes, not quite believing he is here, wondering what will happen next, scared to think about it.

He walks into the kitchen, clicks the kettle on and makes tea, I pull sweats on, wander out.

'Food?'

'Nah, just tea will do.' He smiles.

I pick my phone up, many messages for me.

'I'm going to phone Cal, just...he's frantic Lou.'

He nods

'Hey, Cal, yeah yeah, its fine, he's ok, he'll be over very soon, I'll bring him, yep yep ok, yeah sure, sorry, I'm so sorry, yeah I know, ok, see you soon.'

'Was he pissed with me?'

'With us, yep, he's a little calmer now.'

'We drink our tea.'

'How did you manage to come home early?'

'Ben saw the state of me.'

His head snaps up, 'Ben?' he almost shouts his name out.

'Yeah, he's actually been really good Lou, he came over once he knew I was umm emotional, stayed out here, helped me.'

'I bet he did.' bitterness dripping from every word.

'Bet he couldn't wait to comfort you.' he snarls.

'LOUIS, he has been nothing short of lovely.'

'Yeah, clever man, great move, arsehole.' 

'He was a friend when I was all alone, in a strange country, in a new home, new job, when my heart was in tatters,' Angry words pour out.

'When the person who meant the world to me ran out, left me, all alone, with no contact, no explanation, nothing.' I sob.

'I had no one, Louis, NO ONE, my whole life revolved around you, the person who had taken me into his arms, his bed and his home, held me, made love to me, looked into my soul, made me feel safe, mended my broken heart, showed me the sun again, made me laugh like I had never laughed before and made me love him like I have never loved anyone before.' 

He's crying now, tears streaming.

'I could have got over us, as lovers, eventually, if I'd have had you there, accepted you didn't want to be dragged through the press in a same sex relationship, I got that, you always made that abundantly clear, it always freaked you out, I never expected the big declaration from you Lou, never, but to lose you as a friend was soul destroying, my own fault, that bar I should never...' I shake my head 'but us Lou, it was a big deal to me, I loved you, I loved you as a friend and I loved you body and soul.' 

'Please.' he sobs 'please Harry, I can't stand this.'

I walk away, into the bathroom, splash my face, stare back at the red nose, watery eyes, tired me in the mirror.

I go out, he's sat on the sofa, head in his hands.

'Just be my friend, I ask you for nothing more.' my voice hoarse, in rasps.

He nods, 'of course.' he stands up, wraps me in a hug 'I'll always be your friend.'

'I'm so sorry, I can't believe that I did to you, why do you even want to be my friend, you should hate me.'

'I can't hate you.'

We cling onto each other, needing this comfort right now.

'We need to go Lou.' I press 'I promised Cal.'

He nods,  goes and washes his face, pulls his hoody on and off we go.

We grab a cab, ride in silence, I text that we are on our way, Cal is waiting for us, pays the cab and grabs us both in a hug.

I spend the rest of the afternoon catching up with the others, its so good to see them, their faces full of concern when we walked in, serious questions, enquiring after my wellbeing, soon turning into the familiar banter, the jokes, the piss taking until we are all in stitches laughing, so easy, so natural, just us, realising we both need the escape, the company the smiles making me feel like I've never been away.

The go and soundcheck I call Ben, arrange to meet him in a bar down the road at 6.30pm.

Cal grabs me, tells me how much I am missed, as do the crew, so nice to see them all again, Xander clinging onto me and actually crying he is such a sap.

They order dinner in and I tell them I have to go and meet Ben, tell them we are working tonight, scouting their support band.

Louis jumps up.

'You definitely coming back Harry?'

'Of course, won't be long.' I smile.

I meet Ben, we grab a beer, he is looking at me, questioning 'Well?'

We talked a bit, I got lots off my chest, lots of tears, lots of apologies, we have agreed to be friends again and thats about it, its the best I can hope for Ben, I miss him so much in my life.' 

He nods, glad things are working out.

We finish our beer and head down, Cal had given me access all area passes so we could go back and hang out with them, we go in, I introduce Ben to everyone, Xander is hard at work with his hairdryer, I can't help but get involved, raiding the outfit cases, placing their stuff on the racks, pairing things up that I know they wear, the music is playing, all the old playlists from the summer, taking me back, mine and Liams cheesy nightclub songs come on, we dance about, singing and making fools of ourselves, everyone laughing, such fun.

'Miss you bro.' Zayn says, the others agreeing, Niall hugging me so tight.

I stand folding the stage towels, placing the water bottles with them, just on autopilot, realise I am pissing off the new guy, Jack, and sit my arse down.

'Sorry.' I offer He nods at me, straight faced, Louis pulls a face at me, grinning, makes me laugh.

Ben is deep into a game of something on the X Box with Niall, Liam and Zayn are chilling out and Louis pulls me over to the corridor.

'You belong here, it feels so right you being back.' he smiles.

'Now we are friends again I can hang out whenever you are in town.'

'Thats not going to be often is it?' he sighs.

I collect Ben, drag him away from the game and go and watch the support band, they are excellent, unsigned, actually spotted by the guys themselves and invited on tour, they are young and fresh and play their own instruments and write songs, we both look at each other, nod grinning.

'They're good.' he leans over and shouts in my ear.

'We going for them?' I lean into him to make him hear.

He fist bumps me nodding and slings his arm around my shoulders.

I see the guys side stage watching our reaction to them, I lift my thumb up, they grin, Louis is staring though, realise Ben still has his arm round me.

We watch all of their set, go backstage to talk to them, they are good lads, down to earth, they agree to come in and talk tomorrow.

I rush off to wish the lads good luck before they take the stage.

'Do I need any passes in my pocket?' I wink.

Jack glares at me, don't think he likes me at all.

Niall cackles, 'You are the best pimp Haz.'

I glance at Louis, smile, he grins and shakes his head.

They go on, I watch mesmerised, love this band so much.

They cover The Strokes, being in NYC, the room erupts, 

_'I don't want to change your mind,_   
_I don't want to change the world._   
_I just want to watch it go by._   
_I just want to watch you go by._   
_We were young, darling_   
_We don't have no control_   
_We're out of control'_

He sings to me, I sing back to him, my heart soaring, that at the very least I can see him, be near him, talk to him.

They come off hot and sweaty but full of energy, the crowd were on fire. 'You smashed it lads.' Cal grins, 'best show this tour.'

Louis' eyes flick to me 'yeah I really enjoyed it.'

We sit and have beers, the lads showering and joining us one by one, Ben and I sat on a sofa, Louis comes and sits on the arm nearest me, slides his arm round the back, ends up tucking his feet under my thigh.

We have such a laugh, Niall cracking jokes, bantering with Louis, great fun

'Remember Sweden?' Louis shouts. 'Nooooo.' Niall cries, 'don't tell that story Tommo, don't.'

I am actually crying remembering the night.

Ben sat smiling, 'come on, you have to tell us now.'

'Lets just say it involves a semi naked Niall, a semi naked girl, a table, a dressing room, a cleaner with no concept of privacy and a sweeping brush, you fill in the gaps.' Louis laughs

I am gasping for air by this point remembering him telling us the story, he is fucking this girl, she is moaning over this table, begging for more, the cleaner comes in and sweeps the dressing room floor whilst they stand there, staring at her, her ignoring them as if they aren't there.

'Never lost me stroke or anything.' he howls.

My sides are aching, having such a great time, forgetting how comfortable we all were, so glad they are here for two nights.

The chat and booze continues, Ben stays a while and then pops over to talk to the band we are signing and then says his goodbyes.

'You coming Harry?'

'Umm no I'll just finish my drink and get off home.'

He nods, 'see you tomorrow then.' he squeezes my arm and goes on his way.

Louis has slipped into Ben's seat, another bottle of beer is thrust into my hand, the chat and laughter continues, the crew have no job to do, no load out because of tomorrows gig so its chilled and fun.

I check my watch, its 1:30am 'I must go, I have work in the morning.'

I stand up, the guys all hug me, 'was so great to see you, you better come tomorrow night.' Zayn says, the others agree.

I promise I will, grab my jacket and walk to the door.

'I'll come and see you to the cab.' Louis offers.

We stagger out a bit tipsy, he grabs my hand, 'hang on Haz, wanna talk t'yer.'

He pushes me to the wall to avoid the busy pavement, 'tonight was the best, we've missed you.'

'Missed you all too, we make a great team.'

'Are you shagging Ben, Harry?'

I look at him.

'Why would you care if I was?'

He purses his lips.

'I'm....I'm fucking jealous of you and him, he's all over you.'

'Well not that its anyones business but no, we aren't shagging.'

'I'm sorry.' he sighs.

'I should go.'

'I don't want you to go.'

'I have to go.' my voice wrecked, his closeness making my stomach flip, heart pound.

'I wanna come too.'

My eyes meet his, pure need, makes my breath hitch.

'Let me come with you, just need to be close to you.'

I bite my lip, 'Louis..'

'Please..'

I nod.

He sends a text, flags a cab and we are on our way.

We ride in silence, soon arrive, I pay the cab, key in the code for the front door and ride the lift up to my floor, key in the door.

'I'll just..' I point to the bathroom, he nods.

Teeth, wash and out in my boxers, I hand him a new toothbrush from my stash.

'Thanks.' 

I jump into bed whist he is in the bathroom, teeth actually chattering I feel so nervous, shaking.

He comes out, in his boxers like me, his red ones that I chose.

I look away, snuggle down, turn away.

'Night Lou.'

I feel him slip into bed, his arm snakes around my waist.

'Night Harry.'

His lips kiss my shoulder, 'tonight was just great, the guys miss you so much.'

'I miss you all too.' I whisper.

'Summer 2013 will always be my favourite summer.'

I sigh, turn over, scoop him into my chest, breathe in his smell, 'me too Lou, me too.'

We fall asleep like this, we fit so well.'

The alarm wakes me, we are both in the same position, arm dead under his shoulder, his leg somehow locked inbetween mine, his hand on my bum,  his mouth next to my nipple, fuck, too intimate, his breath ghosting it.

I have to move, I detatch myself from him, go pee and put the kettle on, he stirs, sleepy smiley face.

'Morning.' he croaks.

'Morning.'

He jumps up, has a wee and wanders into the kitchen.

'Can I have a cuddle?'

I envelope him in my arms, plant a kiss on the top of his head.

'Breakfast?'

He nods, 'please.'

'What would you like?'

'I know what I'd like to have but umm don't think you'll give it to me.'

I smile, looking down, not daring to make eye contact.

'You never change.'

'I know, sorry, cereal will be fine.'

We sit at the table, munching cereal, little looks, little smiles.

'Ok if I take first shower?' I ask.

'Of course Haz, you have to be somewhere, I'm not in such a rush.'

I have just finished washing my hair when I feel the cool breeze of the shower door opening, I open my eyes.

'I need to talk to you right now, before you go to work.' he says.

I swallow, powerless, he crowds me to the wall, lips on mine, I let out a moan, like food when you are starving, water when you are thirsty, this is Louis when I am needy, his mouth, so familiar yet so new and fresh.

'Louis.' I sigh 'we shouldn't.' 

'I know, but I needed to kiss you, I hope you wanted it too, its natural when you love someone like I love you.' he breaths, looking into my eyes, smiling.

'ehmm whaaa...'

'I love you, I've always loved you and I will love you forever.'

'I love your mouth, your dimples, your funny shaped ears, your stupid nipple overload, your belly button, your girls legs, your none existant bum, your curls, your eyes, your smell, your morbid voice, your pointy shoulder blades, your massive hands, your crazy tattoos, the way you are biting your lip right now, your smile, your smell, your ridiculous feet, the way you are looking at me right now, your beautiful dick, your heart, your soul, your whole being, I never ever want to lose you again and I have no idea how you feel about me, you said loved, not love and if you have fallen out of love with me I don't know what I will do.'

'I ahhm I don't have girls legs.' I breath, shock, longing, happiness, joy and nervousness rolling round my belly.

'You do,' he kisses me.

I reach for the shower gel 'I love these arms,' I say as I wash him with my hands, 'this chest, this stomach, this back, this very existant arse,' My hands sweep down the curve, lightly rub his beautiful bum, his breath hitches.

'These legs, this magnificent dick,' he gasps as I take him in my hand 'this look you just gave me, your smile that lights up my life, your Yorkshireness, your voice, your love of cereal, your messiness, your cheekiness, the way your tongue pokes out of your mouth when you are nervous, the blue of your eyes alone could seduce me, your eyelashes, your cheekbones, your delicate little hands that make my dick look like colossus but most of all, I love you Louis Tomlinson, I love all of you and I love that you love me, I love you Louis.'

I'm not _that_ late for work and take everyone coffee in and am just generally on cloud 9.

We sign the band on, take them out for lunch whilst the contracts are being drawn up, Ben eyeing me suspiciously when I literally can't wipe the stupid smile off my face.

Little intimate text messages are being passed between me and Louis, I feel so good, so happy, he loves me.

'I take it Louis stayed over.' Ben grins, sighing.

'Maybe..' I smile.

'Don't get hurt again Harry, be careful.'

'I will, thanks Ben.' I hug him 'You've been a great friend to me these last few weeks, I don't know what I would have done without you.'

'Anytime bud, anytime.'

As soon as we finish I head down to Terminal 5, the guys are all pleased to see me.

He's told everyone, grinning like a cheshire cat, he grabs me, 'come here you.' he pulls me into the dressing room, we kiss and hold each other 'I love you.' he smiles, 'I love you so much.'

'I love you too Lou.'

He can't contain the grin, holding my face, looking into my eyes.

I need to go home and get changed.

'Ok be quick, I've put an open invite out to the press and the encore tonight is going to be a live stream if we can hook it all up.' he smiles.

'Ooh sounds good, I will be as quick as I can.'

The night goes brilliantly, I have never seen them so together, so tight, so on top form.

The encore comes up all too fast, I am starting to feel a bit sad, bus call is 4am and I know I won't see him for quite a while but I know I can live with that just knowing he is coming back to me, that I can speak to him, that he is mine.

'Ok we have been working on a very special cover song for tonight.' Louis speaks into the microphone, his voice shaky but strong 'its dedicated to someone very special,' his eyes scan the room, smiling at the crowd, he looks a bit nervous but mostly shining 'this one is for the love of my life, the person who taught me how to love, how to be me and helped me find myself, not to be ashamed of who I am, he makes me strong, the most wonderful person on the planet, my Harry , this is for you, I know you love them, Imagine Dragons, Every night.'

My heart explodes, his courage flooring me, its being beamed around the world on live stream, press are present and several hundred phone camera's capture the moment Louis Tomlinson declared his love for me.

I can't help the tears, so proud, so full of love so ridiculously happy and in love.

 

_'I'm coming home to you_   
_Every night...'_

I can't smile any bigger, he looks at me, sings to me.

_'...My mind is made up_   
_Nothing could change that_   
_I'm coming home to you_   
_Every night..._   
  
_Searching to find myself_   
_But all I find is you_   
_I can hardly stand myself_   
_So what am I to you?'_

_  
_I sing along to the song

_'I'm coming home to you  
Every night...  
Coming home to you  
Every night...  
My mind is made up  
Nothing could change that  
I'm coming home to you  
Every night...'  _

_  
_**

11 days or 264 hours later

**

Candles litter the apartment, casserole in the oven, fresh flowers in the bedroom, he's coming home.

Toronto, Vancouver, Seattle, San Fran, LA, Las Vegas, Salt lake City and Denver done. A week off and then back on the road, but I have him for a whole week, I can't wait.

My nerves are shot, feel like a teen on my first date, I dress nice, mess about with my hair and rush to the door when I hear the key in the lock.

He springs into my arms, I carry him like a baby monkey, kissing him, holding him, smiling so wide.

'Welcome home.' I grin.

'Its nice to be home.' he sighs, 'missed you.'

'Missed you too.'

'Get your arse in that bedroom Styles, I have plans for you, big plans.'

I carry him in, drop him on the bed.

'I just need to turn the casserole down.' I wink.

He laughs 'turn it right down Haz, we might be a while.'

 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Tried to make this as accurate as possible with the line ups and setlists from the festivals, some I went to, some my friends and family went to and some I used good old google so apologies if I got anything wrong.  
> Hope you enjoyed it, feedback and kudos would be most welcomed.  
> If you made it this far, thanks for reading and maybe there will be a sequal??


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